Dungeons and Dopers

The wind howls through the cracks in the wood of The Straight Dope Inn’s walls. From inside, you hear the rain battering the roof of the old building, but the fire burns brightly and the room is warm. All around, dozens of other patrons sit and drink the night away. In the corner sits a hooded man, who is staring intently into his drink. Clearly, he is plot relevant.

Suddenly, the hooded man stands up and throws back his hood. You gasp as your recognize him: Sir Singsalot, the world-renown bard! The tavern noises die down as he begins an epic tale: A tale of Dungeons and Dopers.

Session One: The Tale of Sir Mule

Our story begins in an old tavern aptly named The Troglodyte’s Tail, on the outskirts of Karmage. Karmage is a port city, and one of the richest on the continent, since it handles all trade with the Southern continent, Daerom.

It is here that we find our three heroes (Or rather, three main characters, since most of them aren’t very heroic, and at least one of them is downright villainous) on this fine day.

First is Khel, a Daeromian Lizardman and a Druid. His animal companion Moonclaw, a creature commonly known as a Silentwing Dactyl, rests on top of the tavern so as not to alarm any commoners with his vaguely Demonic appearance.

Next is Vrai, an Elven Dread Necromancer and the vilest of the bunch. Currently, he is disguised as an old man.

Last but not least is Phaistos, a half-Drow Rogue, hooded and glove to disguise his race.

The three enter the bar, all looking for adventure and wealth. They are approached by a man named Fran, who gives them their first plot hook. Er, lead for adventure. Yeah, that’s it. Lead for adventure.

He tells them that a few days ago, he was hired by a man he’d had dealings with to guard him as he transported some merchandise. They took a covered wagon, whose contents Fran never got too see, to a cave about a day’s ride North. The buyer turned out to be a Drow, which worried Fran. Further, when the man takes out the wagon’s content, Fran is surprised to find out it is a girl! The Drow takes her into the cave, and Fran challenges the man, but he escapes on the horse. Fran then pursues the Drow into the cave, but is driven away by the Kobolds that turn out to dwell within.

When he returns to Karmage, Fran finds out that a noble’s daughter has been kidnapped, and decides to write the wrong he helped cause. And that brought him to the tavern, where he met our heroes.

And thus begins the most epic tale in history!

Since he was disguised as an old man, Vrai convinced Fran that he should be the one to ride the supply-carrying mule Fran had. This mule would later be dubbed Sir Mule, following a most interesting turn of events. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Vrai convinced the others to get a head start while he talked to the town guards. He found out that Fran was a small-time crook, stealing and conning people; but that lately, he’s been clean, as far as the guards knew.

Vrai hurried to catch up with the rest of the party, and they stopped for the night. Khel and Moonclaw hunted a few rabbits, which they cooked for the others. Unfortunately, the smell of roasting rabbits attracted a number of wolves. The wolves circled the campsite for a few hours, howling and barking and generally scaring the party half to death. But they weren’t familiar with the smell of lizardfolk, so they backed off when the party told Fran to throw more wood on the fire.

The next day, they hurried North. Fran decided it was a good time to reveal the existence of large packs of feral dogs in the area, who weren’t as dangerous as wolves but far more aggressive. As if to emphasize his point, the party heard barking from the south. They hurried forwards, but the dogs soon began to catch up. They spotted a boulder ahead and ran for it. They managed to climb up it just as ten vicious wild dogs caught up to them. Seven dogs surrounded the boulder and started making Jump checks to get up top, while three went after the mule.

The party made quick work of the dogs, and then checked on the mule. They were greatly surprised to find that the mule defeated all three dogs! It was here that they dubbed him Sir Mule and demanded that he take levels in Paladin. The Rogue, who planned to multiclass as Ranger, stated that he wanted it as his animal companion. This lead to an argument between the Druid and the Rogue over who deserved Sir Mule more, and thus Sir Mule became the most popular party member.

The rest of the journey passed uneventfully, and the party reached the cave a day early. They sent Phaistos the Rogue to scout ahead, which he did. He entered the cave and heard many Kobolds beyond a bend, but a dire rat feasting on a bat blocked his path. He decided to sneak up and stab it in the back, and… He…


The rat squealed and attacked, missing twice as Phaistos strategically withdrew from the cave before the Kobolds came to check on the noise. When Vrai asked him what happened, he said that the rat smelled him, so he had to leave before the Kobolds found him. In response, Vrai offered Phaistos some soap.
And that was it for the first session. If people like this, I’ll keep going for future sessions. This one was pretty RP heavy and combat light, but now that the party is at a dungeon there should be nothing but good old-fashioned hack-and-slash for a session or two!

Rolls highly on his Listen check

I cast Fireball on the barmaid.

No tip for yoooouuuu!

I am interested in your ideas, and wish to subscribe to your mailing list.

Well, gee… the fellow who came up with that gambit sure seems smart, and handsome too.

My oh my, I would wager that whichever party member came up with that suggestion sure does deserve extra XP for that. Also, a rideable tarrasque.

By an amazing coincidence, that was the mule’s name.


HELL no.

So… two rideable tarrasques?

No, just a rideable mule.

The mule could have been a CL 48 psionic who True Mind Switched with the Tarrasque though. You never know.

…two rideable mules?

The paladin didn’t show up.

Where’re the Cheetoes?

Get it right…Delayed Blast Fireball into a shot of firespirits is much more effective.

Who’s up for a drinking contest?!

Roll a Con check!

Which reminds me… if (when) the paladin and/or druid murder me right in the face, I will have to roll up a new char. I think I’ll make it a mage. With poor depth perception.
And a love of AoE spells.

Yay, we didn’t kill anything, and I still got experience. Experience earned due to awesomeness.

Sounds like my last four nights.

Yeah, you missed a good little bit of gaming. I finally got a chance to put my plan into motion and it worked like a damned charm (literally). A bonused score of 31 on my intimidation check had the kobolds eating out of our hands. We skipped pretty much the entire first level, got to raid the kobold chief’s personal armory (you got a short sword i believe, masterwork, awwww yah) and are now poised to descend deeper into the dungeon.

Of course it turns out that it’s not a simple matter of a one level dungeon with some kobolds guarding the kidnapped woman, and the fact that I thought it was that simple shows I haven’t been playing D&D in far too long. But yah, we’re on our way. Undead and drow are ahead of us, and we can butcher the kobolds on the way back out of the dungeon.

Sir Singsalot takes a sip of his ale before continuing his story. "And so it came to pass that our heroes stood outside the caves and devised a plan to continue.
Obviously, with many fearsome things within such as mundane bats and poodle-sized rats, along with such cunning traps as rusty nails and slippery rocks, one could not simply walk into the Kobold Tunnels. Clearly, such clever CR 1/2 foes required cunning and stealth to deal with.

It was then that Vrai hatched a cunning plan. He convinced Khel to send Moonclaw to fetch him a bat, which Moonclaw did with utmost haste. He then used his cunning magicks (Read: Unholy necromatic power) to bend the bat to his will (Read: Bestow upon the mangled corpse the unholy semblance of life). Thus empowered, he sent the cute little bat (Read: Unholy abomination) in to scout. Unfortunately, he realized that he couldn’t actually communicate with a zombie bat in any way, shape, or form. Luckily, he got the idea to have the bat flap its wings once for every kobold it saw in the tunnels. The poor zombie’s useless brain couldn’t give a perfect count, but Vrai realized that there were about two score kobolds within.

It was here that Vrai hatched another brilliant plan. Following the ancient and wise words that told him to “speak softly and carry a big stick”, Vrai grabbed a branch. He then proceeded to make use of another ancient proverb, “You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a flashy spell than you can with just a kind word”. Vrai led the group up to the cave entrance and called out to the kobolds. He told them that he was the speaker of an ancient green dragon who lived not far from there, and that Khel the lizardman was a half-draconic enforcer of said wyrm. Their mistress sent them to find out why this clan of kobolds was helping Drow instead of Dragons.

Successfully intimidating the poor little kobolds, Vrai demanded their assistance. The kobolds, in their fear, spilled the proverbial beans and revealed to Vrai all they knew. A Drow cultist of He who Oozes took She who Cries to the Halls of the Ancients, past the place where the Dead can Walk. Under further threats, the kobold chief volunteered one of the less respected kobolds to guide the party to where the Drow was keeping She who Cries. After robbing the kobolds of three masterwork weapons, the party headed to a small passage in the back of the kobold caves, which lead deeper into the mountain.

This was a short session, because the Rogue’s player couldn’t make the session. We played a short game, and will continue with a full session on Saturday. Enjoy!