Would that even be an option? You’ve made is sound like she’s in debt. IANAL but don’t creditors get first crack at the estate? They might end up having to pay out of pocket.
Well, the house is worth about $110K but will need considerable work to make it sellable (it smells exactly like a kitty box that hasn’t been changed in 3 years…mainly because that’s what it was until we went in with a crew and gutted the joint). If she gets the reverse mortgage, she would get $41K which would support her for less than a year (don’t see it going anywhere near that long). So her kids can sell the house and everyone will eventually get most or all of their money back. That’s not the point but I’m sure she’s thinking that’s the justification.
Also, I’m dying to know what her credit card bill looks like. I’m not entirely comfortable with the fact that she could be ordering stuff that won’t show up on anyone’s radar until she’s dead and leaves a giant bill.
And before you say anything, I talked to her son about taking complete control of her finances, and she won’t give it up.
Holy shit! She’s on this kind of medication and still manages to be mean, irresponsible and stupid? I’d hate to see what she was like healthy.
Actually she’s not mean at all. She’s exceedingly pleasant. Eerily so.
I apologize. I jumped to the conclusion that she was mean. Sorry. :o
I think the only thing you personally can do is refuse to give her money. If you try to say anything and she plays the “but I’m dying” card, it’s going to make you feel like a first class bitch for having brought it up, and you don’t need the guilt. If it comes to the point of utilities getting shut off, you could pay the bill, but don’t give her money she’s just going to waste.
You reported her relatives have said she’s been selfish all of her life. I guess some people don’t change when they’re facing the end. All of the people I’ve known who were facing death refused to spend any money if they could possibly help it.
If she can be declared incompetent, she won’t have a say in the matter.
That’s what I would do. Retain as much as possible for the heirs. Geez…my only priority would be to leave something for Kid Kalhoun.
I don’t think that’s possible. She can be declared “inconsiderate” but I don’t think that’s a legal status. 
I’ve tried to slip it into conversation that none of that matters, but she says she likes it and she wants to have it. It’s like whatever you say, she says, "How do you think* I* feel? I’m dying!" And then we’ll take all the crap she buys and give it to Goodwill.
Sounds like you all have a big “fuck you” coming from beyond the grave.
I’m in a less charitible mood this afternoon. Cut her off. Soothe yourself by buying her groceries if you need to.
Why don’t you just suggest to her that, instead of borrowing money from relatives, that she should get some credit cards and run them up? It will help preserve the peace in your family, and then when it comes time to settle her estate, her creditors can take what’s left over, and that will be that. It might not sound too moral to you, but credit card issuers willingly assume this sort of risk.
I’ve thought of that, and she does have at least one card. Who knows what that looks like. But there’s something about that that doesn’t sit right with me. We’re not talking about survival. We’re talking about “Bora Bora” bath powder and ugly-ass sheet sets (how many can you really need?). It’s more that I don’t want to actively condone it, even though I know it’s none of my business.
Having her run up a big(er) credit card is a problem if you want to preserve her estate. The company can always go after her estate.
If she’s doing a reverse mortgage, the plan is to run down her estate to care for her. The question is, how fast can she afford to spend it down? I don’t think Kalhoun is saying that they’re worried about the relatives getting an inheritance.
The credit card solution doesn’t quite sit right with me either. But neither does having a huge family bust-up with a dying woman. I don’t see any really good options here.
That’s not “being generous”. It’s “buying affection”.
I understand and commend you for trying to do your best… but don’t let her drag you down. One of the mightiest tactics of manipulative people is secrecy: “don’t tell your brother I gave you $5, he could get jealous” (and of course the other brother gets the same money and the same instructions). If omerta hadn’t existed, people like that would have had to invent it. You may be able to break the ring of secrecy; my mother and her sister call each other regularly just to fill each other in on all the things their parents have told each of them “not to tell the other”. That’s avoided a lot of the bad blood which my grandparents used to be able to generate between both sisters for decades.
**Kalhoun[/]b, is it possible the drugs are affecting her reasoning capabilities? Maybe her meds need to be adjusted.
It’s entirely possible. Last report was 500 mg methadone every four hours, 30 mg of morphine every hour for breakthrough pain. The visiting nurse said she’s amazed she’s not unconscious from it. She rarely sleeps. She attributes that to wanting to participate in every minute of her remaining life.
I saw her Friday. She’s very confused. She thought one of her other sisters was there (she’s in Arizona). Then her not-so-distant son came an hour after we left and she told him we were there the day before.
The hardest part (aside from the sadness she must be feeling in her last days) is that my MIL has to watch a third child die. That’s just not right. She’s also lost her husband, brother, and sister-in-law in the last 3 years. Plus a grandson in '99. Nope…it’s just not right.
No. I would simply say “I’m sorry, I can’t help you right now.” Repeat as needed.
No. Pissing in the wind.
No. I would arrange to provide necessities, if possible.
No, since she is terminal. If she were severley ill but not terminal, probably.