I don’t think I could even describe how manipulative, emotionally abusive, seriously mentally ill, embarrassing, hateful, , delusional and selfish she is even if I typed a mile long post so I won’t.
I’m three thousand miles away from her and I LOVE IT, I dread phone calls to her because she starts her passive aggressive manipulative delusional garbage. I literally have to go at regular intervals CHANGE TOPIC OR I WILL HANG UP NOW multiple times, I call it dog vomit she likes to vomit up toxic crap and have me pick through it.
And she is most likely close to death from cancer, she will soon be using a colostomy bag and urostomy bag which I didn’t even know was a thing. Even facing this she wants to see her grandson before she dies BUT ONLY ON HER SELFISH TERMS. She owns three houses but I must rent a house near her to see her while she dies, she doesn’t want me or my family messing up her stuff, we can meet her at a Mcdonalds.
Any discussion is totally irrational and delusional, I realize she is seriously mentally ill but totally in denial and I just don’t care. I would like to see her and her to see her grandson but everyone spent a lifetime catering to her bullshit I can’t bring myself to.
She is also begging for money while squandering millions, she has so little insight she doesn’t understand why the county and other government officials laugh in her face.
I don’t want a hug or sympathy, I just wish I could let all my hate GO.
I can think of good reasons, like other family members you care about, but if she’s that awful, just stop. You can tell her or not, up to you, but there’s no law of the universe that forces you to be in touch with toxic people, even if they did give you life. You didn’t ask for that, and you don’t owe anything for it.
It took 2 years of talk therapy for me to let go of my anger against my parents, and they were normal* people. I can’t imagine what you have gone through, but if you have access, I recommend it.
*“normal” is subjective, of course, but they functioned pretty well in the world, just not so hot within our family.
Roddy
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference, which clearly isn’t you!
Your anger is proof you still care in some way. If she’ll soon die of cancer I would highly recommend you get some help to resolve your anger issues before she’s gone. Once that happens your ‘hate’ for her is going to be much, much more difficult to resolve.
She’s begging money? Wants to see her grandchild only if it’s at McDonalds? You loathe every manipulative thing about her?
Then, please, do tell us why you’re taking her calls, going to visit, going to take your kid to McDonalds for her, or care how she mishandles her money?
(If you must see her one more time, it seems pretty easy to wait until she’s too sick to go to McDonalds or care where you stay.)
Forgive her before she dies. That’s not to say you need to forget the crap. But, for your own well being, forgive her, her mental illness. It will help you deal with her death with less guilt.
I was raised by my grandparents. my grandmother was, in retrospect, probably bipolar. She made my life miserable. Even so, I felt guilty for hating her after she died. After a good deal of counseling, I was able to see she had no control over her mental illness. I was able, in my own mind, to forgive her and move on with my life.
Your mother has no control over her delusions. You have control over how you react to them.
Kk… wasnt going for mean. You can’t let it go because thats how she has her hooks into you. She does this because shes ill, but she also does this because she can. She’s exerting subtly her influence and the “Im the mommy, I made you, I Own you” card. Forgive her, but at a distance.
Ps- we’re here too. Post updates as you need to or as is helpful.
You must feel such rage when she tries to trade on blood ties and guilt to manipulate you! I have no expertise in psychology or personal experience with such a situation, but I wouldn’t say you need to *forgive *her. Some people are shits. Even if they are also mentally ill. Even if it’s *because *they’re mentally ill. I don’t think forgiveness is required in either case, if it doesn’t work for you. But you do deserve help in leaving her and her toxicity behind, so I agree with the suggestion for counseling.
Agreed.
For what it’s worth, I’m a personality that cuts ties with people pretty easily, and doesn’t need to interact very intensely even with relations I like. Arguably this has a negative side, in that I’m not incredibly supported by a wide network of close family members and lifelong friends. BUT, it feels great not to be entangled with old boyfriends, friendships that didn’t work out, and family I find obnoxious.
Forgiveness isn’t for her and needn’t even be communicated to her. It’s to give the op peace. By forgiving mom, one can forgive one’s self. It’s just an exercise to help move on. Once we forgive, we can let go of rage and frustration.
If someone is mentally ill then they can’t actually help being that way. It’s not a “cuddly,” easily-seen disability like being born without legs, but would you berate or hate someone born without legs for not being able to walk or run? Seriously, if the person is mentally ill, then there is something wrong they can’t control. Also, if you say she’s in denial–guess what, that could be because she’s mentally ill. Do you think people choose to be mentally ill? Would you choose to be mentally ill? Just remember, it could happen to any one of us at any time.
She’s seriously mentally ill, she owns three houses, has squandered millions of dollars and begs you for money? I must say, that is an interesting combination of things. How’d she come to be a millionaire, if you don’t mind me asking?
Dude, grude is in line to inherit millions (or three houses at the least, if the millions are all squandered), and fairly soon too, by the sound of it. Breaking things off now would not be a good move at all.
Eh, maybe. I didn’t resolve anything with my hateful, passive aggressive, manipulative mother before she died, and whenever she pops into my head, it’s usually to think, “I’m so glad my mother’s dead or she’d be making my life miserable right now.”
grude, I know the feeling. I gave up on my mother decades ago and now my major regret is that I had any relationship with her in the first place. She’d be pretty old now and I’d say it’s probably 50/50 whether she’s still living, but I have not the slightest inclination to find out.
NOBODY has any right to a relationship with any of us.
If she is unstable and actively pissing away millions irrationally and the OP could end up responsible for her at a future date when she is destitute and in worse mental state, then isn’t it responsible to have
3 doctors examine her, have a competency hearing, and set up a conservatorship now so she’d have treatment and income for her needs through and until the end of her life?
Eff inheritance… this is bill-avoidance and a merciful act both. It just feels… right.
I obviously have a different view of money than you do.
One, millions are not worth that anguish.
Two, what is grude’s guarantee that the money actually exists? (Houses could be all underwater, boasts of wealth could be lies)
Three, what is grude’s guarantee that the money is not being left to an orphanage for unwanted cats, or the American Cancer Society, or to be divided among the entire phone book with grude’s name cut out?
Tell her if she wants to see her grandchild, it will be on your terms. If she starts trying to throw her weight around, hang up. Either she’ll come around or she won’t. If she doesn’t, it’s her loss.