Maybe you did and don’t realize it. 
I feel ya, grude. Sucks having a shitty parent like that. Mine did die, about a year ago. I honestly don’t regret not spending more time with her because I know I would’ve been miserable the whole time. I am aware of the fact that I’ll probably need counseling to deal with the anger I have towards her, guilt I have over hating a parent (albeit a shitty one) and trying to figure out how to forgive someone after they’ve died, if that even is possible.
That all being said, I have a few questions. Not trying to sound like an asshole, but how close to death’s door is she? You mentioned the cancer and bodily function bags but she’s healthy enough to meet at a nearby McDonald’s? I’m just afraid of her pulling multiple “Come see me I’m on death’s door!” guilt trips. I also worry about her grandson (your son?) going through all of that runaround, too.
Ugh, these situations always suck. I wish I had something better to say. 
But, you’re not alone.
There is always hope. I stopped talking to my mother twice in my life. Once for over 10 years. We now have the best relationship I could ever hope for.
I don’t expect to inherit anything, two of the houses are in my dead father’s name alone. If she tries to probate them the IRS will want to talk about a lien(why she has not tried to probate yet.) The tax debt is more than 2 million, that is with more than a decade of fines and interest.
The whole thing is a crazy story, my dad used her crazyness as an excuse for him to do shit like wipe out his 401K and go to casinos on a bender he planned to kill himself at the end of(he changed his mind.)
I don’t ever want to step foot in those houses again, she is a hoarder worse than you see on TV, I get feelings of panic even thinking about it and I last saw them years ago shortly.
I mostly forgave her but what brought it all back was she let my dad die basically slowly over days without telling me, then was insulting me on the phone when he went to the hospital. When I called back she yelled well she what you got your father is dead! My wife said it was the absolute craziest thing she has ever seen in a family.
I don’t know what point a psych eval would do now, she would never cooperate, and she probably won’t survive til the end of the year. I think I’d rather just let her die in peace.
I feel totally lost and I am tempted to ignore the whole thing like it doesn’t exist, but then I think that makes me sound crazy.
Oh yea I’m one of the great villains in my mother’s life story, it was my fault my father died you see. If I had never left I could have carried him out to the car and to the hospital, but she couldn’t call EMTs because they might have tried to condemn the house or get her mentally examined. It is my fault totally.
It is also my fault she never got around to getting citizenship, see she was just about to…oops then she was pregnant with me and she couldn’t. She actually told this to my wife on the phone, my wife said just to restate you blame a FETUS FOR SOMETHING?
She says yes without a hint of self awareness.
My mother sees herself as the victim, powerless and tossed around by life.
I have one of these in my family, who is similarly making a mess of what should be a simple estate because deep down, she knows she’s going to get caught. (Edit: because her greed, stupidity, and crazy combined to make a truly epic clusterfuck, which I will post about as soon as it’s out of the courts.) Another relative has been similarly tagged as the villain.
It’s awful. Even though you know it’s wrong and crazy, it’s still stressful, and ultimately you still have to deal with some of it, for legal reasons if not family ones.
Vent here, but do have a counsellor and a lawyer on speed dial. Both can help in different ways.
I’m bringing this thread back for an update.
Found out my mom who has been begging for money from me, received a lump sum life insurance payment from my dad’s death totaling $25,000 USD less than a year ago. It is all gone according to my sister who is there in person with her, spent on shit added to her three houses hoarded to the roof along with the multiple storage units.
She told me he stopped paying into the policy too soon and there was <no payout>, she managed to beg $700 dollars off her brother to cremate my dad. Then she called up my niece and begged her for the money a month later, lieing and claiming my dad was still in the hospital morgue and she needed the money to cremate him.
And she tells me I should be supporting her monetarily, if only I had a good job like a decent loving son would. She also tells lies to any person forced to listen to her and takes their agreement that her son sucks as proof I’m evil(they are her version of the SDMB I guess).
Every time I feel a hint of sympathy for her, BAM her manipulative bullshit shines through. It makes me so angry she would take money from me knowing how hard off I am and would feel not a hint of guilt, hell she’d feel entitled to more. No matter how much money she has it is gone in months. I can’t believe with her medical problems she blew 25 grand on shopping, she isn’t rational.
She is like a narcissistic heroin addict, except with trash and clothes hoarding.
This is one of those rare threads where I can say “I blame your mother” and actually mean it as opposed to making a stupid joke.
I suggest you still try to get one done, ASAP.
I don’t know what the rules are where you live, but a lawyer would be able to tell you whether her cooperation is even required at all.
Two things that may come from such an evaluation are:
-
She may get the meds she needs to treat her mental illness, which would be wonderful for both you and her.
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You may start clearing up the mess resulting from her financial mismanagement. Better to start that now, before she dies. Taking no action may be a big blow to you later.
I looked into it during some past medical emergencies and basically the county officials are not going to force her to do anything. No body is interested and as long as she says NO nothing is going to happen.(Texas)
As far as going something like going to court and getting her ordered evaluation or guardianship I’m not near her and don’t have the time or money,I’ve told my sister if she wants to do it go for it. I couldn’t take it mentally, bi-weekly phone calls are about the limit of my tolerance.
There is basically no inheritance once the probate and debtors get done with,and I’ve told my sister I have no clue who is going to clean up those houses but it sure as hell ain’t going to be me. There is possibly some stuff that could be salvaged and sold from the houses, but that would be a LOT of work. My sis has said she doesn’t have the money to hire cleanup crews and also wants no part of it herself.
I’d honestly just like to walk away from the whole thing, let the state clean it up.
I’d be interested in hearing from anyone (a lawyer in Texas, maybe) who could speak to whether there’s any reason for grude not to do exactly what he wants, that is, just walk away and let the state clean it up. What would happen if neither grude or his sister did anything with their mom’s houes or stuff? I loved my mom dearly and it was still a pain in the ass to take care of her estate after her death. I can’t imagine doing it for a mother who had abused me the way grude’s has. So, what’s the worst that could happen to him if he just walked away?
What could happen to him? He is not responsible for her. If he is named as a beneficiary in her estate, it is up to the executor to determine whether there are any assets to go to him after the estate is settled (which involves cleaning the properties). If there is, he can refuse it.
He has no legal obligation to deal with any of this. His moral obligation (in my opinion) might extend to other family members, but doesn’t include his mother.
So you joined the Board just to say that? Good start. :dubious:
Not a big fan of my mom’s, either. Matter of fact I don’t really get along with any of my family members…except for the one I married. I hate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, both. As my M-I-L once put it: “If you aren’t interested in being around me the other 364 days of the year then don’t bother on the one.” My sentiments, exactly.
I have a son, and if I treated him like she has treated me he would have the right and duty to hate me, I’d give it to him in writing.
(yea yea responding to a banned doper)
As someone once told me, “some parents give you life, some give you a mortgage - they expect you to pay that life back with interest. 'tain’t possible.”
She’s holding a deed to a piece of your soul, but she doesn’t own it. Grab it, put it back where it belongs and blow her a raspberry.