Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy - ok to lie to children?

Great Debates
1

I’ve never given it much thought before, but with Easter coming up, it made me think of the stories we tell our children about the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. I started wondering if it’s fair to lie to our children, if we are always urging them to tell the truth? Does the fun of watching them believe in the magic justify the potential harm of tricking them?

I remember when I found out these magical beings didn’t really exist, I felt betrayed and foolish, and angry with my parents for lying to me.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Is there any way around perpetuating these stories with one’s own children, or would the peer pressure and confusion that would result end up causing more grief?

What do y’all think?

2

DeathLlama and I are split on this.

I think it’s absurd to teach my son that there is a Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc. when I know damn well there is no such thing. It’s a blatant lie that is NOT fun to me, at all. It really makes the hair on my neck stand up on end to flat out lie to my child.

DeathLlama speaks of the magic and the wonder, how fun it is, and how there’s no other time a person could believe in such things. So? I’m not convinced. I think it’s a lame tradition. L-A-M-E. I can’t stand the thought of weaving sub an elaborate deceit that I am all too aware is just that…an elaborate deceit.

I’m all for talking about these fictitious characters, decorating the house with them, playing pretend with our son about them, and so on, but I really resent the notion I deceive our son.

YMMV.

3

I’m always confused by these threads.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing maybe it’s just my personal experience but I don’t see any problems with it at all.

I loved xmas as a child. I remember trying to hear Santa land on the roof early Christmas morning. I remember the excitement I felt with the whole concept of Santa +elves +Mrs. Claus etc.

When I found out there wasn’t a Santa it didn’t hurt me, I just took it as being part of growing up. I remember even helping my parents keep the illusion alive for my younger sister.

Obviously this decision should be left to the individual parents but if handled correctly IMO it does add to the joy of childhood.

4

I’m not sure which way I’d go if I had kids… I don’t remember feeling betrayed about finding out the truth about the tooth fairy et al. And hell, even after I knew my mum and I continued the “belief” as a kind of running joke between us. More lewt for me!

5

It’s not teaching…and it’s certainly not lying. It’s entertainment. You don’t just plant the seed and walk away. You weave a story, incorporating your own traditions and stories from your childhood and all the family childhoods before that. You foster imagination and creativity. It builds a sense of family and tradition. I’ve never seen a child adversely affected by these fables. Have you?

6

I don’t really remember “learning” that there was no santa. I just gradually grew to realize he didn’t exist. I was maybe 7, 8, 9?? Somewhere around there. And it didn’t bother me in the least when I did find out for sure. I DO however remember the magic and wonder of being so little and waking up on Christmas morning to a magically decorated house and presents under the tree, when the day before there had been none. My mom cracked up when I mentioned this. She said "well, that wasn’t because we were trying to make it magic, we just couldn’t afford anything until the very last minute. I had to laugh too, unintentional or not, it remains one of my favorite childhood memories.

My sister and I quickly recreated the “magic” on our own as we got older by getting up after mom and dad had fallen asleep and putting special presents for them under the tree.

Up until we made a new tradition for just us girls about 10 some odd years ago (we don’t do Christmas presents, we have a girls day out the day after with shopping, chick flicks and a fancy lunch), there was always a present from “Santa”. Sometimes something inexpensive and unique, and sometimes to serve as an anonymous gift giver when it was something kind of expensive.

One thing though, my parents didn’t go overboard with dad dressing up as santa and all that stuff. It was way more subtle. Neither did there come a time when they sat me down and said “okay, here’s the deal”. As I said, we just gradually came to understand that he wasn’t really there. At least not as a fat man dressed in a red fur-trimmed suit.

Because IMHO, Santa does exist, the jolly fat man is a mere symbol, the REAL santa is that little bit of magic, and the kid in us, not necessarily just at Christmas time either.

The Easter Bunny? No great loss…he was never that big of a deal in our house anyway. Since we were baptists the emphasis was way more on the biblical easter story. We had egg hunts and so on, but I don’t remember ever believing in the Easter Bunny, even as a really little one. We knew that the church grownups hid the eggs and all. The Easter Bunny was more of a symbol, and for some reason, I remember learning of him that way even when I was little.

At any rate, I think it is all in the way you approach the stories. I have heard just as much anecdotal evidence from kids whose parents were “realists” from the very start, and how bitter and angry they are to this day that they were denied that bit of childhood magic and make believe.

Speaking of which, pretending is a large part of a child’s development and kind of their “job” as a kid. As long as parents aren’t making these mythical characters into some sort of 15 part mini-series complete with actors, stage sets and so on and just keep it light and fun, there is no harm in it.

A rigid adherence to “reality” and truth can be just as harmful to a child and how he feels and remembers things when he grows up.

7

As a child I believed most strongly in Santa Claus of the group. Maybe it was that we didn’t make that much of a deal about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Maybe the build-up to Christmas made the Santa myth that much stronger. Whatever the reason, I felt a weird sense of loss when I learned (at some pre-school age I don’t recall for sure) that Santa wasn’t real.

I played the same games with my kids and watched as they went through the ordeal of learning the truth. Their reactions all seemed less traumatized than mine were, but we’ve never discussed the issue now that they’re adult themselves. The grandkids have been along similar trails in their development.

My take on the whole phenomenon is that it’s part of our culture. It’s no more harmful or undesirable than other fairy tales and make-believe things kids get fed to them through whatever source. I wouldn’t attempt to prevent their exposure to such things.

The plus side of it all, as I see it, is that it facilitates dropping the God myth when and if a person reaches that stage of development. For whatever reason there are many people who see a major distinction in the myths and never translate the Santa Claus experience to the God idea. Puzzles me.

8

I wasnt angry when I found out. Sure, over the years I have realised just how big a charade Christmas is, and how DUMB kids can be at the time. But we were kids, and everyone was so in earnest about the whole thing. Most of our presents were kept in a relatives house, who didnt visit all that often, except late on Christmas eve, before we went to bed. We never thought this strange. Now, though, its :smack: all round.
But we loved it. Getting up for Christmas presents, looking for hidden easter eggs, getting fifty- FIFTY! pence for a tooth… How could you deny a child such things? Me, I don’t have any kids, but I’m already constructing bulletproof answers to any tough Santa questions kids may have. Timezones, junior. It’s all a matter of Timezones…

9

I’m not saying we wouldn’t celebrate Christmas and Easter and lost teeth … but that now that I’m a mom, I have concerns about tricking my daughter into believing something that isn’t true.

10

But it is true that Santa will bring her presents, the Easter Bunny will bring eggs and candy, and the Tooth Fairy will leave money for the teeth she takes.

It’s also true that you as a parent are all of the above characters. However, that doesn’t have to be revealed at the outset.

I don’t remember any negative feelings upon learning the reality of these figures. I’m sorry for those of you who did. I don’t know what makes the difference between your experience and that of we who came through it unscarred, but I do suggest give careful consideration to CanvasShoes’s post.

11

All I know is I was always a little sad I figured out the truth at a young age. Christmas especially was better when waiting for Santa.
I wasn’t upset with my parents, I thought it was a delightful deceit and still do. My 8 year old is borderline on belief at this point and seems to be playing along. I am thankful she is not ruining it for my 6 year old son.
To some degree, I still believe in Santa, not the Jolly ole’ St. Nick up at the North Pole, but the spirit of giving and the delight of Children dreaming of Christmas.
I have a real soft spot for Miracle on 34th street also.

Jim

12

And to stay logically consistent, you probably should consider banning poetry and fictional stories, at least until the kids are old enough to understand a disclaimer that what they’re about to hear isn’t really true.

13

I think that even very young children can understand such things. Not all young children, of course, but I think that even a four-year-old can grasp the concept of “make believe.”

Which is exactly how I would deal with Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Make it clear that this is all just make believe, and that you’re having fun.

I think that children can benefit from knowing that their parents are always going to be truthful with them. If you want to develop a solid level of trust, then this is something that they need to be confident about. It’s harder to do what when a six- or seven-year-old suddenly realizes that her parents have been deceiving her for many years, even if it was all in good fun.

14

I disagree.

A four-year-old may understand make-believe, but he’s not likely to understand the wisdom in not telling his playmates what he knows.

I recall going through a period (a couple of years?) where Santa’s existence as a real person was in doubt. There was talk about whether or not one believed in Santa. I gradually came to realize the facts involved. At no time did I feel betrayed or lied to, nor doubt that my parents would be truthful with me in any context where it mattered.

It’s a matter of age-appropriateness. It’s appropriate for a four-year-old to believe in Santa, just as it’s appropriate for a 12-year-old not to. Similar to it’s appropriate for a child to drink milk, and for an adult to drink coffee. When you reach the right age and maturity, you move on to the next level.

15

Death: HUMANS NEED FANTASIES TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
Susan: “Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little–”
Death: YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
Susan: “So we can believe the big ones?”
Death: YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
– Terry Partchett, Hogfather

Let the kids have their moment of fun.

16

Yes. And by all means, let’s not let our children read any fiction. Dr. Seuss? Right out (there is no Sam I Am nor did the Cat in the Hat really visit anyone). Let’s not tell them bedtime stories – we can stick with biology textbooks. It will put them to sleep faster, after all.

Fiction is dangerous, so we really shouldn’t be doing it to our children.

</sarcasm>

Frankly, if you don’t want your children to have an imagination, then don’t tell them stories. They can be the dull, literal drones you evidently aspire to be.

I can’t say it strongly enough: there is absolutely nothing wrong about telling kids stories, and it’s a minor form of child abuse to not let them hear them in order to bow down to the Great God TRUTH.

17

I’m a bit…(not sure of the word)…concerned maybe…that I’ve seen at least two people refer to this as “tricking” or lying to the kids.

Sooo…if that’s the case, none of us should ever watch fiction movies, or read a fiction book to our little ones either? There is a realm of make believe in childhood. They do it themselves during play. Remember?

“say I’m a fireman, and you’re a princess…” (okay getchur minds outta the gutter :D). Does giving the a dress up chest so that they can really get into character mean that you’re “tricking” them also.

I can’t speak for every parent, but there is a huge difference in the way one tells a child about santa, and the way one tells a child something that is a stone cold fact and something that they need to understand. A parent generally gets a soft, smiley sing-song-y tone to their voice when telling their child a story, or a make believe myth like Santa.

I don’t believe that indulging in a tradition of make believe is tricking or lying to the child. Maybe there is a poll somewhere online, or some sort of study on the memories (and subsequent attitudes) of adults recalling the time they found out.

It would be interesing to see what the statistics, if any, say about how people feel about this. I mean, a slightly more scientific one than the one we’re holding here that is. :slight_smile:

18

It is lying, and I don’t do it. I will also teach her that it is not polite to tell others their very silly beliefs are lies or even very silly.

19

In fairness, I don’t think the anti-claus set is necessarily against telling kids stories as stories, but setting out cookies, hanging stockings, leaving notes does take things to a very different level; and it certainly comes pretty close to an elaborate scheme to get a child to believe something that simply isn’t true. That’s a far cry from reading them “Charlotte’s Web” and I can understand how that could make a parent uncomfortable.

For my part, I’ve done the Santa, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy things with my daughter, and the day of reckoning is coming soon… she’s six, and we’ve probably just passed the last year of absolute belief.

I chose to do it because:

  1. I didn’t find it traumatic when I found out
  2. It allows me to shower my child with presents without getting any of the “credit” for doing so – it is freeing to be able to give presents with nothing whatsoever in return than the joy of the recipient.
  3. I think it is good for children to believe in mystical and mythical things, and to believe that there are forces with “magic” and power beyond imagining who are out there working to protect them and keep them happy. I think most kids, even if they find out in a traumatic way, still keep that sense of wonder and “just maybe” with them for a long time, and I think that’s a good thing.

Finally, while I can understand the literalists, I would not have been at all amsed had my child come home from kindergarten saying “Kayla’s mom said there’s no Santa and anyone who says so is a liar.”

20

I’m with yojimbo and Kalhoun and the others on this…it’s not lying, and it is rarely traumatic, certainly not to the extent of never trusting your parents again. Stories and fables and dreams and fantasies are all part of the magic of childhood, and lord knows the rest of life is enough brutal realities without having to subject mere babes to it. Relax, and have fun.

And since when is lying to children such a bad thing, anyways? There is malicious, vindictive lying just to mess with kids’ heads that is bad, of course, but children, especially tiny ones, don’t have the capacity to understand everything in the world, and sometimes we have to tell them things that aren’t necessarily true because they are just too young to understand. Or too young to know to keep their mouths shut. “Daddy’s still at work” is a lie when Daddy has actually stopped off in a bar on the way home, but pre-schoolers don’t need to know that.