Easy Like Sunday Morning: Calling All Parents, Advice Needed

In My Humble Opinion
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Long story short is that a few weeks ago a two year old came to live with me. She is beautiful and wonderful and interested in the world and all of that. She is probably going to live with me for a very long time.

I am very unaccustomed to the two year old fits. I’m not sure how to handle them. Example:

Sophie: Dyanne, it’s time to eat breakfast. Aren’t you sharving (starving)? Let’s have some oatmeal.

Dyanne: Yum.

::Sophie & Dyanne approach the high chair::

Dyanne: No! No!

Sophie: It’s time to eat breakfast, sweetie. We’re having oatmeal, your favorite.

Dyanne: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

::Sophie places Dyanne in the high chair, despite Dyanne’s protestations, and places the bowl in front of Dyanne::

Dyanne, with tears streaming out of her eyes: Oh. Yum!

::Sophie stands perplexed, tired::

Ok, that was a mild one. She also does it (inconsistently) when we change her diaper (potty training is going slowly, and any advice on that would also be appreciated), when she gets dressed, and when she has to walk anywhere.

My mom says that we should let her have the fits and not fuel them. She says that they are a form of manipulation. What we have to do, she says, is to tell Dyanne, when she starts to get worked up, that she can have her fit and that we will be in the other room, and when she’s done she can come and get us. Or something along those lines. We’re getting some good reactions from telling her she does well when she does well by saying, “What a big girl!” However, it doesn’t work often enough.

FTR, Dyanne is not a normal two year old. She came out of a neglect situation, so I’m afraid to proceed in any way that might “scar her for life”.

Also: how the hell do you get a two year old to take medecine, even chewable tablets?

So, I guess what I’m asking is how did you get your kid through this stage without ending up crazy yourself? What were your tricks to make them want to cooperate?

Two year olds: there doesn’t seem to be any logic.

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Listen to your mother, it worked for you.

Two year olds love control, offer her choices, “do you want to sit in the high chair or do you want to sit on the floor”? “Do you want to sit on toilet or would you rather mess your diaper”?

Medicine can be a tough one. You can put it in something they like to eat but probably won’t eat it if they know you have done it. Never had much problem with that since most medicine was kinda tasty. Our problem was keeping it hidden and locked up so they couldn’t self-medicate.

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Sophie, you must be a very special lady, not just anyone would care for a child that wasn’t theirs. I think you will be healing previous wounds and making the scars that resulted minimal. If she has been neglected, then I am sure that she has a lot of things to overcome.

I wish you the best…God Bless you as you care for this little one!

Polly

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IANAParent, but I have a few thoughts:

Obviously, you need to be a reflective caregiver, and think about what you do, but don’t let your self be so paralyized by fear of what you might do that you can’t do anything, If it makes you feel better, I will tell you rihgt now that you will make some huge mistakes. No way around it. Your mom made some huge mistakes raising you. Dyanne will make some huge mistakes raising her kids. Luckily, the vast majority of huge mistakes do not doom a child to a lifetime of misery and pain.

Furhtermore, I suspect that there are books out there that adress exactly your situation–taking over primary care of a child who is coming from an abusive situations. I’d get thee to a library or bookstore and look. Even if you disagree wiht everything in them, they will give you a place to start your own thoughts going.

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Thanks, bare. I feel like a turd letting her wail, but more and more mothers seem to be telling me to do the same thing.

P.W. Doodle, thanks for the kind words. You know anything about potty training?

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I’ve got a four-year-old and a two-year-old. The fact that I can still function in adult society sometimes amazes me.

Temper tantrums happen. In most children, they aren’t really anything to be afraid of. Kids that age are just learning how to assert themselves, but they still haven’t learned much yet about actual manners. Their verbal skills are still not great yet, either. So instead of “no, thank you,” you get “NO! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAGH!”

My daughter doesn’t have temper tantrums anymore. When she did, though, I used to just stand there and look at her. When she was done, I’d go back to whatever it was we were trying to do. Didn’t take long for her to learn that tantrums got her absolutely nowhere. On the (thankfully rare) occasions that she’d have them in public, we’d just take her outside to the car. Now that she’s a little older, though, her thing is to just look me in the eye and say “NO!” She gets time outs for that. :smiley: My son is two now. So far, he’s not had too many major tantrums. But when he does, my reaction is the same. I don’t give in to them. Just wait them out, and keep going with what I was doing. Other parents have different (and equally effective) methods, though. What will work for you depends a lot on the child.

As for the potty training, don’t worry too much about that. Two is a good age to get them started, but some kids just don’t get fully trained until after they turn three. My daughter didn’t start using the potty full-time until after my son was born, just before she turned three. My son hasn’t started at all, and my almost-three-year-old nephew just moved into big-kid underwear a couple of weeks ago. They get it eventually.

Good luck to you!

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Persephone, I know EXACTLY what you mean. It amazes me that I don’t leave the house to go to work every day covered in food, snot, and baby poop.

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FWIW, I used the idea of pretty “big girl panties” when potty training my niece/daughter (really my niece, but since I raised her from 8 months to 5 years I also considered her my kid , still do).

I went to k-mart and got some inexpensive, but pretty panties for her. The kind with lace, or flowers or whatever on them. I even got a couple of sets of under-roos for her too. We did the sitting on the potty thing several times a day.

Some things that really worked were having some of her favorite picture books beside her potty chair and sometimes running water while she sat there. If she went even a little bit I made sure praise her with I am so proud of you, you are such a big girl Then I would tell her since she went potty in the chair she could wear big girl panties. I let her pick out the pair she wanted to wear herself from the ones I bought her.

If she had an accident I didn’t make a big deal of it. I just cleaned her up and put another diaper on her and told her we would try again tomorrow. It didn’t take long to get her to understand go potty in your panties = wearing a diaper. going potty in the potty chair = getting to wear big girl panties.

I did the same thing with son, only with big boy underwear like daddy wore and under-roos. It worked but YMMV.

Since they have pull-ups these days (part training pants, part diaper ) you might want to try those.

Bless you for taking that child into your home and your heart.

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How do you not wind up crazy yourself? You don’t. Look at Persephone. Two year olds are hell at times. They aren’t big enough to do what they want and it frustrates them. Ours did the same type of thing. Just go with it. Tantrums happen and when they do, you just have to figure out what works. With ours, we would laugh at them and then take them to their room and walk away. (You are allowed to scream all you want, but you are going to do it in here). Soon they realized that tantrums were pointless. Nobody cared, they were banished to their room and it still didn’t get them what they wanted. Potty training… well, we tried for a long time here, but in the end, it had to be the boy’s decision. When HE wanted to start, he did. Nothing before that worked. Two seems to be when their personalities really start coming out, so all you can do is figure out what works for them. I have relatives and friends who did the modern day thing where kids should have things explained to them like little adults during a tantrum with no negative reinforcement and years later, their kids are all still misbehaved, horrid little creatures that are just “going through a phase”. There’s a big difference between basic discipline and neglect. Good luck, and good job so far. They don’t call them the Terrible Two’s for nothing. But Two doesn’t last forever:)

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Dr. Sylvia Rimm has a Sunday morn program on my local NPR. She is a child psychologist and is rather practical and down to earth IMHO. She also has lots of books out. I think you might try one of those.

Best of luck. Thanks for saving another kid out there.

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I agree with your mom, that ONE reason for tantrums is a child trying to manipulate.

However, there are several other reasons for tantrums and they are more effectively handle differently than if the child is doing it to be manipulative.

In my experience, the manipulative tantrums happened more around four and ignoring the tantrum as your mom suggests is effective at that age. Since the two of you are there and in the middle of whats going on you obviously know more than we know about her and I hesitate to disagree with you or your mom that the cause of all her tantrums are manipulation.

Toddlers also have tantrums because the are tired, hungry, over stimulated and/or frustrated. Also toddlers are capable of mourning losses. Even if what she has gained is a safer more loving family she has still lost something. She’s lost the familiar.

I don’t want to lose what I’ve typed so far so I’m going to post and comeback later. I’ve got to run just now.

Bless you for loving and caring for a child.

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You might enjoy “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Toddlers.” The author’s sense of humor is a real breath of fresh air. I am also a huge fan of T. Berry Brazelton’s books about parenting. And finally, the most reassuring books out there are the ones called “Your Two Year Old” (insert other years for other volumes). However, I can distill that book down for you in a few sentences: This too shall pass. This is normal, and it won’t last forever.

My immediate thought on your anecdote, actually, is that Dyanne might not like sitting in a high chair. My two-year-old rebelled against that. He had to have a booster chair in a grown-up seat. Now, at 2 1/2, he feels he is too big for THAT so he insists on sitting in a regular chair even if it means kneeling or standing throughout the meal. Also, diaper changes have been a hassle for six months now in our house. ARGH! It’s normal.

Tantrums are normal. Try not to react too much. When a child is out of control, they need you to be in control. Dyanne will benefit from consistent, predictable, loving structure and discipline. That means rules that must be followed (we must change your diaper, you must brush your teeth, you must hold hands when crossing the street), even though she’ll squawk about them. They are helping her grow, and they will also make her heal. You won’t damage her if you are consistent and reliable!

Bless you for taking her on. You’re a better person that me! I can barely stand my own toddler some days!

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Maybe the child has had a bad experience in a highchair, either food-quality wise or accident wise. Would it be possible to get her a booster chair, while telling her that you want to eat with her? As far as the vitamins go, have you tried to time it so that you take a “super health pill” the same time she does. My WAG is that she is loking for some solid inclusion with your family.

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I endorse everything which has been said about letting her wail for a short time. You’ve already mentioned that she’s been neglected. There’s a good chance that she’s also been punished in inappropriate ways when she hasn’t been co-operative. It’s going to take her a while to learn that truly horrible things aren’t going to happen to her in your home.

Another vote for ditching the high chair, and also look around for things which can engage her attention during activities she doesn’t like (one of mine only ate fingerfood for a whole year, another had a bowl with a nodding teddy on the side; she fed “teddy” with a magnetic spoon while I shovelled food in her mouth).

The sell trainer pants here which are a cross between a disposal nappy and proper underwear. They have bright patterns on them and you put them on like undies but they are filled with the same stuff as the disposal nappies are. It’s easier to wipe a toddler and put a new pair of those on than it is to hold them down while you change a nappy (plus if you get a selection of patterns, she can choose which one she wants to wear).

Be patient with yourself. You’re dealing with two years of goodness knows what established fears and behaviours here in addition to the “normal” toddler ups and downs. Love (which you clearly have in abundance) and a sense of humour will get you through this.

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The fact that you guys are agreeing with me makes me feel so freaking much better. Ahhh. Wait, I know…what if I dunk her in ice cold water whenever she screams? Hehehe. Kidding.

Ok, so Dyanne also came with a little brother, who is five months old. I didn’t tell you guys that. Knight is his name and he is The Cutest Baby Alive, while Dyanne is The Cutest Little Big Girl Alive.

So, thanks for the advice. I’ma check out some books tonight and see where that gets me. I have two books already (What to Expect During the First Year, and something I can’t remember)and they have helped with Knight but not so much with Dyanne. I am finding that she really is developing into her own person right now. It’s so weird. And great. But still weird.

I’m tired. Thanks for all the kind words, but really, you know, it is nothing that any of you wouldn’t have done yourselves if you’d been in the same situation. I’m right, aren’t I?

I’ll tell you guys all about the messy custody battle that is just beginning some other time. Right now, I’m heading to Sears to get some holiday portraits made of the Two Stinkys.

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One resource I didn’t think to mention is the many online parent help websites.

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Sophie, this reminds me a lot of my former foster sister! My parents do therapeutic foster care, and have had to deal with a lot of situations just like yours. If you need anybody to talk to I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind getting in touch with you. :slight_smile:

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Sophie, you’ve gotten some great advice already, so I’ll just add a few thoughts.

First, the most important thing you can do for Dyanne is let her know she’s come to a home where she is loved and where she will be given care and protection. If you can show her that, little by little, any “mistakes” you make will be minor in comparison.

Second, it sounds from your OP that you have a partner. Take care of yourselves and take care of each other. Two-year-olds are very demanding and you need to be strong to weather the storms. Give each other an evening or a Sunday afternoon off now and then. Get your mother or someone else you and Dyanne trust to watch her so you and your partner can get away for an evening now and then. A support group for foster parents (either in real life or online) is also something to consider, if you haven’t already found one.

I can’t help much with the medicine, except to give sympathy. Totnak is getting better from croup, and is supposed to take a certain prescription cough medicine before bedtime. It’s supposed to be fruit flavored and I have an oral syringe to give it to him. But afterwards we’re still both ready for a good nap!

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I have no advice to offer - you’ve gotten some great input from others here. I heartily endorse offering choices - that’s excellent training for future decision making as well as a bit of control that a 2 y/o can handle.

I admire you for taking on this challenge and I wish you the best. Sounds like these are two lucky kids. Do your best to keep a sense of humor and trust your instincts. Happy thoughts and good vibes coming your way!

-Michelle

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A few more thoughts.

We kept a small package of M & M’s next to the kids prescriptions. If they took the medicine without spitting them out they received two or three M & M’s. (M & M’s were also handy for teaching colors.)

I didn’t think of this until I saw the other posts, but the high chair could indeed be the problem. My oldest was out of the high chair before he was two. Our table has two chairs and an L shaped bench, so we weren’t worried he’d tip a chair or fall of, because the bench was backed by a wall. Additionally, it’s possible that she was left confined in the high chair for extended periods of time either as discipline or because of neglect. I second and third the poster(s) who already suggested a booster seat.

I used several different ways to cope depending on the situation. As you get familiar with her you will be abe to tell when one is likely to be coming, most frequently I would redirect his attention so as to dissolve any oncoming fits. This was effective if he was about to lose it over what toy another child had or possesive type situations. At home when the tantrum or whining was about something he wanted I did not give in and I simply ignored him. An example of this would be not wanting to put shoes on to go out. No shoes, no going out and no amount of whining or tantrum was going to change my mind. As he grew older I used time outs if the tantrum came during a “fun” activity. Two minutes per year of age having to go to the other room, or sit on the steps and watch the others having fun while they played nicely.

And finally for the "trick that worked best for me, I would wrap my arms around them in a hug and whisper gentle words in their ear. Think about it, your child has to stop crying or screaming to hear what you are saying. It was amazingly effective for me. He was simply too curious about what I might say not to hush and try to hear. I would often say something like, I love you and I can tell you are mad (tired or hungry). Sometimes even softly singing or crooning a lullabye as well. Just quietly reassuring them that I loved them and wanted to e understanding of their feelings.