That’s what I meant about people being so different on the subject. I’d rather people not ‘shuffle it around on the plate and give to the dog’. That bothers me 'cause it’s wasteful. Just be honest and say you don’t like that stuff. If you don’t want to participate I’m not going to force you. Especially a kid, whose taste buds aren’t really settled yet.
I’m kind of torn on the ‘sit in the car’ thing. I might have asked that he come in and participate in conversation even if he didn’t want anything to eat.
Now, I won’t go make another special food for that kid. Does that help any? I’ve had kids refuse to eat what I fixed - I’d say O.K., but I’m not fixing anything else.
Another thing I thought of - I used to work with a man who never ever ate lunch with anyone. Turns out he had terribly horrible teeth. He was afraid to let anyone see them.
FWIW, my understanding is that refusing to eat in view of others is a pretty classic symptom of an eating disorder. I know that I had a co-worker who was hospitalized for an extended period for anorexia, and I never saw her eat. (I did see her drink several gallons of coffee a day.)
“Don’t deserve to eat together”? I don’t really get that, but whatever.
I often find that I’m less comfortable eating in front of certain people. Like, alone, I can eat large quantities, but when I’m nervous/tense for any reason, I often find it hard to eat–so, for example, on dates, I often get the impression that most guys think I’m anorexic (also enhanced by the fact that I’m uber svelte). In general, I sometimes I find myself eating much less in front of men than women–maybe I’m unconsciously trying to look “delicate”? It’s kind of odd, although generally it goes away if I know the person better.
I’ve been bulimic in the past, and I will admit that I am still sometimes anxious to eat in front of people. Most of the time I do it anyway since my friends like to go out to eat a lot, but sometimes I’m just not up for it.
I’ve never been a foodie, and I personally don’t look at eating as a social event. Of course, this makes my Italian mother very sad because food is life in her part of the world.
To each their own. If they guy isn’t comfortable, it isn’t up to you to make him change.
Wow, do you guys really think it’s that weird if someone won’t eat in front of you? The only people I eat in front of are my kids, my husband, and my parents. (Yes, that means I don’t eat at any restaurants.) I don’t have an eating disorder…I have false teeth. Before I got them, I went a year with no teeth at all, which caused my mouth to reshape itself. This means that anytime I chew, I look somewhat like a cow munching its cud. Not the most ladylike thing to see. I’m extremely self-conscious about it, to the point where I won’t even chew gum around people unless I feel extremely comfortable with them.
I’d say so. And ‘eating disorder’ doesn’t just have to mean he’s full-on anorexic or bulimic, either. Just major issues with food (and perhaps some over-exercising). I’ve noticed a lot of people I know with EDs also emphasize their having been chubby as kids – while I’m sure getting teased helped contribute to their problem, I also feel that they use it as an excuse to obsess.
I would’ve guessed he’s simply lacking that particular set of social skills. Perhaps he just doesn’t feel that “eating with others = enjoyable.”
When she was quite young, my daughter was a very noisy eater – she would not chew with lips closed. Drove her father nuts. She began orthodontia in 2nd grade to fix a very bad bite, and it finally occurred to me that she was’t capable of doing better. Mealtimes were not as relaxed and fun as they should have been.
Speaking as someone who is crazy fat myself, I can confirm that people do judge and watch when a fat person is eating. I’ve had complete strangers (on more than one occasion) come and tell me that they don’t think what I’m eating is appropriate for someone of my size. I’ve had other people at tables nearby say express their disbelief (not quietly enough) that someone as big as me would dare eat in public.
So I can completely understand why your coworker chooses not to eat in view of others while at work. When she’s out, she has her friends / family there to buffer any sort of opinions from other people. At work, she’s stuck, alone, in the bar – on display for anyone to say whatever they want.
I can feel quite uncomfortable when eating with other people. If I’m not nice and cool I may sweat and I can feel closed in and trapped. I don’t have an eating disorder though (and I may have similar symptoms in other social situations.) Sometimes not wanting to eat in front of people is just because you’re uncomfortable in certain situations.
I just don’t see how you can possibly be torn on the “sit in the car” thing. I can’t imagine anybody ever thinking that’s acceptable. I mean, a polite refusal to eat is fine, a polite white lie excuse is better (“Mikey’s baseball team just had a pizza party”, whatever) but young man you have to come in here and be sociable.
I eat in front of other people just fine, but this is one of those things where I completely understand where your friend is coming from. Eating is very personal and I can believe that for some people, they would simply prefer not to. I don’t think it is necessarily a problem, but there are situations where it could become problematic, say if he aspires to a job that involves a lot of wining and dining of clients.
Audrey, I have been very fat and I have been very thin, and I agree with your coworker. It can be unpleasant/weird to eat in front of other people, especially strangers, when you are very overweight.
I guess we just disagree, then. I’m also thinking that you and I might have two different mental images of what was going on from **gallows fodder’s ** original post. Ya know how that is?
I’m thinking I don’t want a whiny little kid underfoot and annoying everyone else. You wanna sit in the car? Fine. We’ll all be in here enjoying ourselves.
To me, this feels like “go in your room and have a tantrum all you want - I’m not listening to it”.
Also, I’m thinking of a kid probably six to 8 years old. Kids younger than that I wouldn’t leave alone in a car; kids older than that I can see being able to talk into participating.
It sounds to me as if Quixotic considers that eating at his desk is “with” co-workers. But one of the things my Spanish coworkers are finding weirdest about our Scottish ones is that they eat at their desks (i.e. alone), instead of in the “cantina” with some other folks (social). The cantina is just a room with two tables, a few chairs and a sink.
When we’re in our client’s Spanish location, we go to lunch at the factory’s cafeteria with a bunch of people from our company and from the client. During our first two weeks in Glasgow, when we were staying in a hotel, we’d have every meal together. It’s a bonding thing; each bringing in a sandwich to the office and eating it at his desk wouldn’t be, even though all the desks are together. In Spain it would be very close to an unpardonable faux pas.
I’ve never run into someone who wouldn’t eat in front of other people at all. It does seem kind of sad and lonely to me. There is definitely a certain element of letting your hair down and relaxing in front of others when you eat together and more when you share food (even from a communal dish, if not from the same plate). If I take two of my former workplaces and compare them starting from food-sharing, it almost seems that the other differences radiate from that.
Place 1:
we brought in communal bagels on Fridays on a rotating schedule
we celebrated holidays by bringing in dishes
we bought food for each other when requested
we filled a candy dish in the front entrance
We got along and I still keep in touch with people I met there, and have made casual friendships and some good professional connections. We still occasionally meet up for drinks/dinner out.
Place 2:
one awkward holiday party put on by the management with bad catering and awkward platitudes over a microphone
lunch cliques: if you didn’t “belong” and sat down too close, people looked at you funny.
It had an odd, negative atmosphere and I didn’t feel comfortable eating with anyone there. I felt far more relaxed at my desk or grabbing a bite by myself and reading.
I left that place like a bat out of hell and haven’t looked back.
There were other factors beside the food, but I think the food-sharing was a symptom of other good and bad things in each situation.
Food also strikes me as one of those private possessions, until you reach a certain level of familiarity. A co-worker used to keep pop tarts, instant oatmeal, and ramen at her cubicle for when she was running late or didn’t have time for lunch. I would sooner have asked her for a spare maxi pad than for a pop tart. When my brother-in-law moved in to room with us, he had a period of adjustment. It was a while before he felt completely comfortable sharing groceries and just going into the kitchen and getting something to eat. He’d ask “Hey, can I have one of these [things]?” or, before opening the fridge door, “Do we have any X?” (when he honestly knew we had some). Now he just makes a sandwich or has a drink, writes stuff on the grocery list, has a helping when I make dinner, and gives us cash for groceries. It took time to get used to, though.
That’s what I meant by a first date not “deserving” to eat together. If we’re working with a scarce enough acquaintance that there is something that can be called a first date (instead of having run with the same group of people and therefore eaten together many times), then we’re not at a level where we can sit down and enjoy food together.
Strangely, drinking seems to require a lesser level of familiarity than eating. I’m comfortable drinking coffee with people I am meeting for the first time–and my friend who is palpably uncomfortable eating in front of other people, has no trouble drinking beers with people.
I also have a co-worker with an eating disorder who doesn’t eat in front of people.
When I was a teenager, I was extremely self-conscious and thought it was the worst thing in the world to have to eat in front of a boy. I learned to overcome it by not eating the day of a date so I’d be so hungry when we got to dinner that it took my mind off how I got it in my mouth. (Don’t worry, I still ordered the cheapest thing on the menu!)
Yes, there’s only a few people I trust to eat whatever I want in front of. Everyone else I feel is judging what I’m eating since I am fat. I don’t mind having dinner with people but only with a few people can I let my guard down.
Whoa, I didn’t know my comment had sparked an ongoing conversation! And you’re both right! My brother was a handful when he was a kid (he had serious anger management problems, for one) and I think my parents chose to ignore him when he sat in the car rather than provoke a screaming fight at friend’s house. On the other hand, he certainly was being really rude and they should have either taken the time to teach him manners or left him at home with a sitter.
I’d rather people not ‘shuffle it around on the plate and give to the dog’. That bothers me 'cause it’s wasteful. Just be honest and say you don’t like that stuff. If you don’t want to participate I’m not going to force you. Especially a kid, whose taste buds aren’t really settled yet.