Editors, help me!!!

[Yue_Han]

I’m applying to colleges and I need someone to proofread my essay. Can somebody help me out? Please? I’ll put you in my sig, I swear to G-d, whatever you want. Just help me out… It’s finals week and all the profs are busy, and I’m the one my friends have proofread for them.

Here’s the essay. The question is at the top:

Supplemental Essay–What is important for Middlebury to know about me?

I would like to explain why I want to attend Middlebury College, and in the process, explain something about who I am and what my motivations for studying Chinese are.

My first foreign language was Spanish. The only languages offered at my rural Indiana high school were Spanish and French. Then I came to the Indiana Academy for my junior and senior years.

I was very excited when I came to the Academy. It was a terrific opportunity to find new interests and experiences in studies I never could have pursued at home. In stark juxtaposition to my home school, the Academy offers seven languages. On a whim, I enrolled in Chinese 101. I hoped that a language so different from English might challenge me. I was not disappointed.

My primary skills, all my life, have been language skills. I have always been able to read and learn new words quickly, ever since I was a little boy reading encyclopedias. My favorite classes, on the other hand, had always been math and science classes. These classes were my favorites because I was not naturally gifted at them. English and other humanities classes had always come too easily, and never held my interest. The Academy solved that problem forever. Since I have come here, I have never had to deal with any class, humanities or otherwise, that was too easy.

The class that most excited me and required the most of my mind was Chinese. As my studies continued, however, my interest in the class became due to more than its ability to occupy and stimulate me. I realized that I found that the beauty and elegance of Chinese much more desirable than English. I wanted, and still want, to be proficient enough in Chinese to live my life speaking it and surrounded by other people speaking it. This was confirmed when I went to China for two weeks with my class.

Middlebury was my first choice because I believe it has the best Chinese program available. I will work hard to overcome any obstacle, be it financial or scholastic, that confronts me there. To me, the study of Chinese is not just another academic pursuit. It is preparation for the rest of my life. I am not afraid to confront the difficulties that may arise from attending a school as challenging as Middlebury.

All my life, I have been able to achieve my goals through hard work and persistence. It has not always been easy. I had never heard about the Academy before my sophomore year. Until then, I believed that I could not escape my ignorant, bigoted town and lackluster, football-driven high school before graduation. (At one point, my home school’s library was converted into a spare equipment room.) Faced with this hopeless situation, I was often tempted to give up, to do just what was necessary to pass the class, and to turn in shoddy work because I knew that it would get no better grade than my best. If I had, I never could have adapted to the demanding pace of the Academy.
My experiences here at the Academy have prepared me to use my native intelligence and to succeed in college life and pursue my dreams. I am confident that I will someday be able to speak Chinese at a native proficiency and live in China. I hope that Middlebury can be a step for me on my path to this goal.

Thanks a lot to anyone who can help.

–John

[Silver_Fire]

I’ll print it out right now and take a look at it. I’ll type it up after editing and email it to you.

[Silver_Fire]

BTW, I’m not an editor. I don’t even play one on TV. But I’ll give it a whirl.

[Yue_Han]

Thanks, Silver.

And now that there’s a post in one of them, everybody please post in this thread, not the identical one I accidently started because I’m a moron.

–John

[Juniper200]

I’m a copy editor. I’ll give it a look tomorrow morning if you’d like.

[Silver_Fire]

Done. Check your email. Copy editor, pshaw! I think I did a good job.

[rackensack]

John,

I’m no longer an editor, but I’ve been one (and a proofreader), and I’ve also taught English at the college level and graded tons of student essays through the years.

Rather than rewrite for you (as my writing center students always wanted me to do), I’ll say that there are two paragraphs that bid fair to be left out entirely. I’ll also say that I think the whole thing could be made stronger merely by re-ordering (and perhaps tinkering slightly with) the paragraphs you have. The question, after all, is “What is most important for Middlebury to know about me?” Is it really essential for the reader to be told, in the first sentence, that that’s what you plan to tell them? That’s mere throat clearing; lose it. The first thing they see should be exactly what the question asks for: the most important thing for the reader to know about you (in relation to your prospective matriculation at the school mentioned). Everything else should flow from, support, and reinforce that point. It doesn’t say “some important things” or “some things you’d like to share” – it says “most important”, and the superlative form of a comparative adjective means one and only one. Be ruthless in cutting anything that doesn’t build up that point. After stating your theme, a stricter chronological sequence might be appropriate here in explaining how you’ve arrived at your current state; as it is, the shifts back and forth in the time being referred to are sort of disorienting.

More specific points:

. . . in stark juxtaposition to . . .

Vocabulary for its own sake and trite. If I were writing this, I’d seriously consider a simple, unornamented “unlike”.

my interest in the class became due to more than its ability to occupy and stimulate me.

“Due to” is one of those phrases that academic readers love to pounce on, and it is pretty bad most of the time, since it’s usually used in passive voice constructions. Find another way to say it that’s more direct and that uses an active verb.

I realized that I found that the beauty and elegance of Chinese much more desirable than English.

Makes no sense. Caused by changing your mind halfway through the sentence about how you were going to say this. More importantly, I’m not sure whether it’s worth fixing. Consider whether this sentence says anything important that’s not better said in the subsequent sentences of this paragraph, or whether you might not be better off using what you’re trying to say here to eliminate the passive voice construction in the previous sentence. If not, kill it.

I am not afraid to confront the difficulties that may arise from attending a school as challenging as Middlebury.

I don’t think this says anything you haven’t already said in this paragraph.

Regarding your “ignorant, bigoted small town”: I’ve lived in the same type of places (in Arkansas, not Indiana, but it was as bad if not worse), so I know whereof you speak. I can say, from the perspective of nearly twenty years since high school, that no college admissions committee will find it in the least interesting. I mean no disrepect to you, and believe me I know how truly horrible it seems while you’re still in it, but I can promise you that there are dozens of other prospective students dealing with the same thing, and simply complaining about it isn’t going to set you apart from them. If anything, it has the potential to mark you down as just another high school kid who’s convinced they’re the only one who’s ever had to grow up someplace where their intellectual abilities were undervalued. So if it were me, I’d lose the attacks on your home town and emphasize that when you felt you weren’t being challenged by the school there, you took steps to find an academic environment better suited to your needs. Complaining is common; taking postive steps to improve a bad situation is much rarer and much more desirable.

Hope this is useful to you. I’m sure in the morning I’ll be able to think of another half-dozen things to change, but that’s the nature of writing – you can always make it better. I should add that you do write better than the authors of most of the freshman comp papers I saw at Emory in my days there, and if you’d sent in the draft posted here you probably wouldn’t have hurt your chances of getting accepted.

[iampunha]

Am currently working on it. Will get back to you in a few hours with suggestions.

[iampunha]

That went quicker’n I thought it would, which is either a very good or very bad sign.

Anyway, here’s my version, revised:

I had never heard about Indiana Academy before my sophomore year. Until then, I believed that I could not escape my ignorant, bigoted town and its lackluster, football-driven high school before graduation. Faced with this hopeless situation, I was often tempted to give up, to do just what was necessary to pass the class, and to turn in mediocre work because I knew that it would get no better grade than my best. If I had, I never could have adapted to the demanding pace of the Academy.

I was very excited when I came to the Academy for 11th grade. It was a terrific opportunity to find new interests and experiences in studies I never could have pursued at home. In stark contrast to my previous high school, the Academy offered seven languages. On a whim, I enrolled in Chinese 101. I hoped that a language so different from English would challenge me.

My primary skills, all my life, have been language skills. I have always been able to read and learn new words quickly, ever since I was a little boy reading the encyclopedia. My favorite classes, on the other hand, had always been math and science classes because I did not have the same gift with them. English and other humanities classes had always come too easily, and never held my interest. The Academy solved that problem; since I started here, I have not had any class, humanities or otherwise, that was too easy.

The class that has most excited me and required the most of my mind is Chinese. As my studies continued, however, my interest in Chinese grew due to things other than its ability to occupy and stimulate me. I realized that I found Chinese much more aesthetic and desirable than English. I wanted, and still want, to be proficient enough in Chinese to live my life speaking it and surrounded by other people speaking it. Any doubt of that was eradicated when I went to China for two weeks with my class.

Middlebury is my first choice because I believe it has the best Chinese program available. I will work hard to overcome any obstacle that confronts me, be it financial or scholastic. To me, the study of Chinese is not just another academic pursuit; it is preparation for the rest of my life. I am not afraid to confront the difficulties that may arise from attending a school as challenging as Middlebury.

My experiences here at the Academy have prepared me to use my native intelligence and to succeed in college life and pursue my dreams. I am confident that I will someday be able to speak Chinese at a native proficiency and live in China. I hope that Middlebury will be a step for me on my path to this goal.

[Primaflora]

Book editor here :). I second what rackensack says, esp about losing the bits about the bigoted small town. You just don’t know who will be reading the essay.

[Juniper200]

Okay. I went over your essay, and you have some good thoughts in there. Your love of Chinese shines through, and I have no trouble believing in your passion for its study.

I think you would be best served by removing the final paragraph entirely. As other posters have pointed out, it has to potential to put you in the role of the typical underappreciated intellectual in a hick town. No matter how true this may be, it doesn’t help your case to throw yourself a pity party in an admissions essay. In addition, this paragraph (seemingly about your desire to surmount the obstacle presented by your hometown) does not fit well with the rest of your essay, which I took to be about your love of the Chinese language and your desire to study it.

I would also advise against mentioning the fact that language arts/humanities classes do not always hold your attention. Also, it might not be wise to say that math and science don’t come easily to you. Repeat after me: I am applying to your college. I am a stellar student. I am good at everything. I will be fascinated by every subject you set before me.

The version of your essay I came out with is somewhat shorter than the original. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but if you feel it needs to be longer, I encourage you to expound upon the facets of Chinese that interest you. Is it the vocabulary? The character system? It’s obvious that you love the language; spend some more time telling the reader why this is so.

My primary skills are language-related. Ever since I was a little boy reading encyclopedias, I have always been able to read and learn new words quickly. The skills taught in English and other humanities courses have traditionally come easily to me.

Attending Indiana Academy for my last two years of high school was a terrific opportunity to find new interests and experiences in studies I could never have pursued at home. Unlike my original high school, which offered only Spanish and French in the way of foreign languages, the Academy offers instruction in seven languages. On a whim, I enrolled in Chinese 101. I hoped that a language so different from English might challenge me. I was not disappointed.

Out of all my classes, Chinese was the one that I found most exciting. It required more of my mind than my other language studies. As my studies continued, however, my interest in the class was fueled by more than its ability to occupy and stimulate me. I found Chinese to be more beautiful and elegant than Spanish, which I studied for two years before attending the Academy, or even my native English. I wanted to be proficient enough in Chinese to live my life speaking it and surrounded by other people speaking it. A two-week trip to China with my class only confirmed this desire.

Middlebury was my first choice in colleges because I believe it has the best Chinese program available. I will work hard to overcome any obstacle, be it financial or scholastic, that confronts me there. To me, the study of Chinese is not just another academic pursuit. It is preparation for the rest of my life. I am not afraid to confront the difficulties that may arise from attending a school as challenging as Middlebury.

Good luck with the admissions process! I know it’s nerve-wracking, but you’ll be fine. I promise.

[Yue_Han]

Ok, it’s freaking late and this needs to be turned in in the morning. If nobody has time to do it, I’ll completely understand. But,hoping against hope, here’s essay number two:

John Altum
Common Application Essay—the person who has affected me the most.

. One of the hardest things for new Academy students is living in a residential dorm, far away from home, and the most critical times are the first few weeks. It’s important to make friends and find people of common interests during this time period. Otherwise, when the accelerated classes begin in earnest, the pressure becomes too much for most people. Without friends to blow off steam with, they give up and return to their home schools. Any student who goes to college has to learn to deal with this, of course, but for Academy students, this period of adjustment starts two years early. By now, at the end of my third semester of Academy life, I am more relaxed and at home here than at my original school. I owe a great deal of that to Aaron Pedigo.

My first week here I met Aaron. There was no sudden realization that we were going to be best friends. In fact, I wouldn’t characterize our relationship that way even now. The real importance of our meeting was that it began to bring a group of people together. He, I, and our respective roommates spent our free time the first week together, playing video games and discussing the minutiae of teenaged life. As we became busier, we found time to continue this.

As time went by and we adjusted to dorm life, we made new friends, joined clubs and took part in activities separately. Throughout all this, however, our core group remained friends. It was, in the truest sense of the words, a support group. In the center of it was Aaron. Aaron’s room was always the center of activity. It was Aaron’s idea to try the two-hour walk to Wal-Mart when we missed the bus. Aaron was the one who learned Academy traditions from the seniors and passed them onto our class. On the surface, these things don’t seem like much, but during the tense days and sleepless nights of finals week, sometimes an impromptu toga party is all that stands between a promising student and burnout, failure, and returning home in disgrace.

Aaron and I are seniors now, and we’ve adjusted to life here. We try to help the juniors the same way we helped each other. I’m proud to say that only one junior on our wing has left the Academy, fewer than any other wing has lost. The Academy has been excellent preparation for living in a dormitory setting. I’m thankful to Aaron for teaching me that, while we may be several hours away from home and working harder than we ever have in our lives, it doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.

Thanks to anyone who happens to be up and feels like editing something, and lots of thanks to everyone who helped with the last one.

–John

[Juniper200]

Dude, if I do this second one, what kind of cut of the tuition money are we talking about here?

I think you have a better start on this one than the first one you presented. Here’s what I would do with it.

One of the hardest things for new Academy students is living far away from home in a residential dorm, and the most critical time of adjustment is the first few weeks. It’s important to make friends and find people with similar interests during this time period. Otherwise, when the accelerated classes begin in earnest, the pressure becomes too much for most people. College students must with this as well, but Academy students face this period of adjustment two years earlier than most students. By now, at the end of my third semester of Academy life, I am more relaxed and at home here than I was at my original school. I owe a great deal of that to Aaron Pedigo.

I met Aaron my first week here. There was no sudden realization that we were going to be friends, but our friendship formed the nucleus of what would become a group of several close friends. He, I, and our respective roommates spent our free time during our first in the dorm playing video games and discussing the minutiae of teenage life. As we
became busy with classes and other activities, we still found time to continue this.

As time went by and we further adjusted to dorm life, we made new friends, joined clubs and took part in activities separately. However, our core group remained friends. It became a support group in the truest sense of the term. In the center of this group was Aaron. Aaron’s room was always the locus of activity.

It was Aaron’s idea to try the two-hour walk to Wal-Mart when we missed the bus. Aaron was the one who learned Academy traditions from the seniors and passed them onto our class. On the surface, these things don’t seem like much, but during the tense days and sleepless nights of finals week, sometimes an impromptu toga party (organized by Aaron, of course) is all that stands between a good student and a stress-induced breakdown.

Aaron and I are seniors now, and we’ve fully adjusted to life here. We try to help the juniors the same way we helped each other early in our Academy careers. I’m thankful to Aaron for teaching me that, while we may be hours away from home and working harder than we ever have in our lives, it doesn’t mean we can’t take time to have fun.

Again, good luck. I want coauthor credit on this application!

[Yue_Han]

Woohoo! I really didn’t expect anything this time. Thanks a whole lot, Juniper.

–John

[Juniper200]

::singing and dancing::
I’m in someone’s sig!
I’m in Yue Han’s sig!
I’ve been mentioned in a si-iiiiii-iii-iii-iiii-g!

Woohoo! With a link, no less