There are these little gag-item electronic fart noismakers, you know. Sufficiently clever hackers should easily be able to sabotage one of these stalls using one.
Of course, while you’re in there, you might want to install a webcam, too, to capture the looks on their faces when the raspberries start flying.
Actually, in addition to juicy fart noises, it would be kind of fun to add gender-appropriate screams of pain, as if the occupant of the stall were trying to pass a sea urchin, or something equally uncomfortable. I bet you’d see bathroom patrons bolting out the door in terror, with their undies still around their ankles. It would be the best thing ever. Come on, saboteurs, I need a good chuckle.
How about a machine that sounds like a voyeur? “Yeah, that’s it baby! YEAH! YEAH!” or “Stay in view, please.”
That’s PERFECT! Maybe have it utter increasingly loud/raspy breathing noises through a speaker hidden in the back wall of the stall 
Yeah…but what happens when the smell hits?
Another good one would be background noise, but the background noise is the sound of a bunch of catty Japanese women loudly gossping about the disgusting smells/sounds coming from the stall in question
I remember once hit a web site at work that had a little pilsbury dough boy. WHen I moused over him, he did the little crinkle up like when the finger pokes im on the commercials. I thought, “Yeah, cute.” So I turned up my speakers to hear the little giggle. Turns out that he didn’t give a little giggle. It gave a BIG-ASS FART SOUND! A very realistic one, at that.
My boss in the next cube didn’t say anything but the intern on the other side yells, (yells, mind you) “Dude! Was that you?!” So I had to hurriedly and loudly esplain that no, it wasn’t me and that I wasn’t really surfing the web at work and that a friend had emailed it to me, etc, etc…
How about one that plays the sound of people lifting heavy weights in a gym?
Huuunnnnnngggggghhhhhhhh!!!
QUOTE How about one that plays the sound of people lifting heavy weights in a gym?
Huuunnnnnngggggghhhhhhhh!!! UNQUOTE
“Woah, Take it easy there, man. You’re gonna blow out an O-ring.”
Well, that’s what the other button is for. It releases synthetic shitstink, so you can’t tell when the wave of foul air is fake or from an actual human.
Next up is the button that makes a “plunk!” sound and sprays water droplets into the neighboring stalls…
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
(mail’s in)
Sorry for being off-topic and probably TMI as well (It’s just a really good story), but when my wife and I were in a very nice B&B a few months ago, they had a very new combination bidet-toilet seat that they were trying out.
That evening, being one with a daring soul, I was the first to try out its’ functions. I sat down, did the business(#2), hit the lovely warm water spray and then proceeded to use the warm air drying system.
My lovely and graceful wife (after about 15 seconds of this) responded, FLUSH! FLUSH! It smells like ass air in here!!! At which point I realized the correct order when using a built-in bidet-toilet is to use, clean, flush, dry; not use, clean, dry, flush. Why couldn’t they put that on the damn instruction sheet!! Damn those non-merkins!!
She then proceeded to fall on the ground and wet herself profusely in laughter. (Not really, but I throw that in to minimize my embarassment)
Feel free to share your embarassing bidet stores…or should I start another thread on this topic?
Wally
I’m assuming these are western-style toilets? Because in all my attempts to use a “Japanese-style” public toilet, the last thing I was concerned about was what noises I was making. I was a lot more concerned about how this was supposed to work at all.
Imagine a 6 foot, 200 pound hairy gaijin man visiting Kyoto. For the past three days, he’s lived on nothing but katsu curry rice, because that is the only thing he can pronounce with any consistency and which doesn’t have squid in it. He’s photographing the Golden Pavillion, when suddenly he hears the sound of zeroes coming from the east. It wasn’t that he ate something that disagreed with him, it’s that he ate something that had a serious problem with him as a person and wanted out of the relationship, immediately. He walks briskly towards the public restroom and waits politely but insistently for a stall to become available. It finally does, he nods to the elderly gentleman leaving while rushing into the stall and quickly shutting the door.
Once inside, he’s met with a scene of abject horror. Someone has removed the toilet from this stall and replaced it with a porcelain bowl set into the floor itself. There’s water in the bowl, and some kind of pull-cord device, so clearly this is not some juvenile prank but is actually intended to be used for excretory purposes. But still he just stares at it like a caveman first encountering a 747. Suddenly he remembers a phrase he encountered in a guide book long ago but hadn’t understood its significance at the time – “squat toilet.” That’s at least a clue. He figures, “When in Rome…” and proceeds to make the best of the situation. Now, understand that this was not a bowel movement. This was the entire symphony. And unless there were a recording of Niagra Falls available, nothing would’ve been able to cover up the sound of what was going on. Not just from down below, but the utterances of emotional and physical discomfort at what was going on.
Also, there was no paper. One is expected to provide his own. I had none.
To the poor person who has the job of cleaning up the restrooms at the Golden Pavillion, I can only offer my most heartfelt gomen nasai.
Nah.
The proper sound to use is splashing, the kind fish make.
Or, a muffled voice, as though speaking from underwater, calmly speaking threats.
RNR–I snorted my glass of water thru my nose–thanks, I needed that.
Incubus-- Thant was you?
Innocence you can never, ever get back!
< silly bathroom story from my house >
My daughter was supposed to be cleaning her room and was stalling in every way possible. On her 4th trip to the bathroom, I asked her what the problem was. She told me that she went pee the other 3 times ( in a 30 minute span ) and had to poo this time. After about 5 minutes, I yelled to her in the bathroom - I told her it didn’t sound like she was going potty. She let out this HUGE
Huuunnnnnngggggghhhhhhhh noise. I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. She flushed about 5 minutes after that and came out. I asked her if she sprayed air freshner in the bathroom because it surely must stink after all that.
Good story, Sol.
(Loopy, who, at 34, still giggles uncontrollably at bathroom humor).
I’ve been in department stores where they did have a kind of splashing sound, although I’d describe it as more of a small waterfall or babbling brook noise than a fish. Maybe it was supposed to be a flush, but it didn’t sound like one at all.
As Sublight said, these things are already standard in your more upscale Japanese toilets, along with the heated seat and bidet feature. At first I figured the “running water” sound effect was actually there to help put you in that meditative, bladder-voiding frame of mind, but my coworker informed me that it was so people wouldn’t be embarrassed by the idea of others hearing them pee.
I work on the twelfth floor, and when I have to attend to that particular call of nature, I always go on the first floor. Is that so weird?
You know, in Australia, they call it a B’day.