I have a long standing professional relationship with a manager of a local business. I was in his establishment yesterday and had to use the restroom. While I was at the urinal he was in a stall ripping farts, splattering the bowl, and (from the sound of it) dropping handfuls of gravel into the bowl.
I paused to reflect.
What are your public pooping rules? Personally, I am a proponent of the courtesy flush to avoid stenchng up the place. I also have developed a real aptitude for timing fake coughs to cover the noise of my fecal deposit slipping into the water.
What are you techniques? Do you care who hears? Who smells?
I have practiced and refined my technique to the point that I can make in total silence. I could shit on Superman’s pillow and he’d only wake up for the smell.
I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.
I will do a courtesy flush if it’s necessary. I don’t bother to hide the sounds. What’s the point? I’m in a bathroom doing what bathrooms were designed for. This doesn’t mean I’m not embarrassed by the sounds my ass is making, but there’s no point in trying to hide it.
My sister is incapable of crapping in public bathrooms, which I think is hilarious. What if she has a massive diarrhea attack?
I sympathize with your concerns. This is why I have gone out of my way to know which places around town afford one the necessary privacy. Obviously I prefer the single-toilet restroom for the occasional loaf-pinching. These places exist in multiple locations, though sometimes the timing must be just perfect.
The best place in town is my office. If it’s a weekend and I’m in town, I have no problem driving a few miles if I have to, just to let myself in to my locked-up office where it is clean, private, and stocked with recent periodicals.
I am also a fan of the oft-forgotten public restrooms around town. Don’t overlook the college campus, where there are usually a wide selection of very private restrooms in locations such as the library. For this occasion I prefer the one in the corner by the stairs on the 4th floor, which is the Government Publications level. This sees very little traffic. (I can also tell you that it’s an outstanding place for a semi-daring blowjob.) Another building with which you should become familiar is the hospital. It is often the case that I will go by one of the hospitals for a quick dump. I can tell you the locations of all the single-stall restrooms at our hospitals and where you should park for the easiest access.
Convenience store restrooms are usually to be avoided due to cleanliness, however if the need is pressing, you do what you must. Fortunately a few of the convenience stores here are especially clean and I have no problem visiting them. Especially if the choice is between taking a dump in a smelly restroom and shitting in my pants.
I’ve tried to teach it manners. I’ve insisted it be courteous to others. But the damn thing has a mind of its own. If you’re anywhere near you better run because it just doesn’t care who gets hurt. It’s like a raucous little boy jacked on 20 ounces of Mountain Dew left alone in a barn with matches, darts and rocks.
For God’s sake it’s a bathroom, people know why you’re there. Do we need to install “sound princesses” (maybe a deluxe model with an airfresher) in public restrooms in the US, too?
Flithering gheen, people. The room with the toilets is the room for pooping and peeing. There is no need for getting uneasy when you actually poop and pee there. You might just as well be embarrassed about drinking coffee in the break room.
Nobody should have to be ashamed of the noises or smells that happen when people use the toilet. It’s ridiculous for anyone to be offended by something that is a necessity and cannot be controlled, and it’s ludicrous that people should have to resort to elaborate cover up methods.
Yeah, I think the coughing to cover it up is more ridiculous than the actual noise. Like nobody knows what you’re trying to do…
Anyway, we’re all adults now, and we’ve all eaten Chipotle and know what our bodies are capable of, so I don’t really find bathroom noises that funny unless they’re outside the bathroom. I did laugh once after a guy ripped one in the stall and said “Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.”
You should make a exception for the major truck stop chains if you are including them in this category. I always make sure to stop at one of them if given the choice. Their bathrooms rival hospitals for cleanliness in my experience.
Many chain hotels have very clean, quiet bathrooms just around the corner from the front desk. Not the bottom of the line Motel 6 or Super 8, but almost anything better than that will have easy parking and a clean, quiet place to poop.
I won’t courtesy flush. I read an article (I think here) about the mist that’s created by the flush which can contaminate up to 3’ away from the toilet. The last thing I want is a mist of poopy water covering my ass and girly bits.
For a while, I actually held it in whenever someone would walk into the bathroom, after some kids cracked jokes about it. But I got over it, and now generally don’t care.
