I hate using public restrooms, especially when it’s number two.
So I’m in the stall, doing That Which Must be Done, and somebody comes in and gets in the stall next to me (groan…why does it always turn into Grand Central Station when I’m in here), and my bowels immediately seize up (one of the bad things about growing up an only child).
So from the next stall I hear the rustling of clothing and the jingle of a belt buckle.
Then I hear another, heavier buckle bieng undone…
Then, in rapid succesion I hear three smaller buckles bieng unfastened…
Then theres the rasping of velcro straps…
Then theres the unscrewing sound of something plastic…
Then a horrible, gutteral groan…
So there I am, trying to relax, while RoboCop’s next to me is relieving himself.
Ahhh to say that I feel your pain would be an understatement.
Oddly enough, I had a very similar experience just this morning. I purposely went in the end stall out of three, that way, if someone else did happen to come in, they could use the far stall. Of course, just as I sit down someone enters, and proceeds to use the stall adjacent to mine! I can’t help but wonder if these people like to poop right next to complete strangers. Is there something comforting about starting at the shoes and pants of the guy next to you?
At this point, a rousting game of “who can poop the quietest” ensues. Sadly enough, and much to my dismay, the guy next to me lost miserably as a gigatic gasesous eruption left his body. Immediately following this game, is the ever so fun “who will leave the stall first without being seen by the other guy” game. Yet again I was victorious as I made a mad dash for it and got the hell out of dodge before being positively ID’ed.
Oh public restrooms, how much more fun can they get?
well roman ones were public, you just sat down ont he stone bench over a whole, aranged your toga or stolam around you and went about your business…in more sense than one, since you would chat to people in there, much like in their baths.
When friends who had watched the same program as I had commented on how horribly public it was, I pointed out that you had the sound of running water to disguise any sound effects, and were decent. In modern public toilets you have paper thin cubicle walls that don’t disguise sound or smell or anything other than direct ankle to head vision. For some reason they tried to protest this, then stopped & looked a bit green…
My heartiest commendations to DuhMan, who paints the perfect picture of our collective nightmares…I can so relate to your story!
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Gotta laugh.
…and why is it that we are so conscious about the noise factor in our stalls anyway? Are we afraid that someone is going to call the stink police? Or that when we’re finished, there’s going to be a bunch of people waiting to laugh and point at us? I notice that other people seemingly have no problem playing a trumpet solo on the other side of the wall…any psychology students out there with a theory?
One time, I was in a Denny’s restroom, and had a cigarette in my mouth, while I was relieving myself. Well, some guy walks in, and I just blurted out “Ah shit I got it in my eye!!” Referring to the smoke ofcourse. Turinging to him, “Oh don’t worry it happens all the time.” The guy didn’t stay in the bathroom long.
At first I thought it might be one of those back-brace heavy lift belts you see guys at Home Depot wearing, but judging by the sounds I heard it was distinctly UNDER his first layer of clothes. Then, after telling this story to one of my housemates (who happens to be a nurse) she concluded it was probably a combination of a truss and a colostomy bag, a common setup for somebody who’s had colon or bowel cancer.
I was feeling ill one day and just in time made it to a stall. I then experienced some of the noisiest gastric distress of my life. As I am sitting there, in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, some bitch starts hammering on the stall wall and telling me how rude i am for making all these rude noises and smells. WTF?
I have had similar experiences when I had to use a stall to vomit. What do these people want?
Joe Paterno once took a poop in the stall next to mine. I actually heard JoePa take a dump. I ran track at Penn State, and he came into our locker room to use the facilites. I was temted to ask him for his paper as a momento, but thought better of it. Could you imagine that one framed on the wall, and the conversation it would generate. “Yes, it’s a lovely shade of burnt umber. Don’t you agree?”
Joe Paterno once took a poop in the stall next to mine. I actually heard JoePa take a dump. I ran track at Penn State, and he came into our locker room to use the facilites. I was temted to ask him for his paper as a momento, but thought better of it. Could you imagine that one framed on the wall, and the conversation it would generate. “Yes, it’s a lovely shade of burnt umber. Don’t you agree?”
I am a self-proclaimed commodaphobe. Applying to both number 1 and 2, I can not “go” if there is even the slightest hint of someone else being present to hear or smell me. (This includes my SO, which she finds to be an absolute riot.) I also can not “go” when there is any outside noise. “ANY” outside noise. Someone talking… TV on… Phone ringing… I actually have to turn my computer off to keep from hearing that whirr, and the bathroom fan comes on “after” I’m done.
I have used a public restroom twice in my entire life, and they were both dire emergencies. I’ve been known to stop at someone’s house that looks very clean on a long road trip and ask to use their restroom. Most people are pretty friendly about it, tho’ I’ve had a couple tell me to bugger off or they were going to call the cops.
I obviously have a very deep-rooted problem. (Yeah… that’s funny… you can laugh.) But seriously, I was wondering if anyone else had this condition, and if you did, what did you do to combat it. I’d like to be able to use a public restroom one day. I want to be normal damn it!
Try doing math in your head while you’re using the facilities. I used to run through the powers of 2 (4…8…16…32…64…etc) to distract myself until I could do my business. My case was not as extreme as yours, but it helped me out.
Sorry to say it folks, I guess I’m the guy in the other stall! I gave up being embarrassed about going to the bathroom a long time ago. I’ve even taken it one step beyong that… one of my life’s missions is to always shit on company time. Oh, sure, it can be tough on the weekends, but what the hell. I’m not a daily shitter anyway.
I find it a nice time to relax and get some (usually) uninterrupted reading done.
Ahh yes, my butt is percolating as I write this. See you guys in 30 minutes or so!
::sound of door opening and closing in the distance::
LOL at last somebody else who hates it when somebody else is in the bathroom.
Almost all girls in my classes take friends with them when they have to go to the toilet so they have somebody to chat.
Oh.My.God???!!!
That s so strange. When sombody comes in I just turn quiet and wait until they are gone.(or make the mad run outside when they have made it into the other stall.
Oh and guys: How the fuck do you manage to pee with other guys right next to you??? That s so strange!
shakes head
Public bathrooms = stink big time (mostly literally spoken)
loons
who doesnt know why she told this shit
I used to have the same problem, but I think my biological education helped. Mind you, I always knew that it’s a perfectly natural blah blah blah thing. Eventually, though, it just sank in (please do not engage in any euphemistic mental imagery here…it ain’t pretty.) Now I don’t have a problem. He who is without poo, let him cast the first stone!
Incidentally, how funny is it that the last thread in which I noticed Poopah Chalupa was the anal sex thread in IMHO? I’m noticing a pattern here!
OMG. I just realized that this was a restroom thread I hadn’t replied to. Can’t let that happen.
BornDodgy, I sometimes get a little stage fright at the urinals, but usually I can go freely. It’s just something guys do, though not all of them. The noises and things are funny, but I don’t find any of them disgusting. Well, yeah, I do, but disgusting in a funny way. The only thing that really bothers me is when somebody pees, doesn’t flush, then leaves without washing his hands. We have a guy at work that does that and it bothers me to no end.
I’m rambling and my mission here is complete. Carry on.
First, find an empty stall. This is easier than in the women’s restroom, but not quite as easy as it might first appear. Some things need to be taken into consideration. Among them:
Is it possible to place myself two away from the other peeer (um…how do you spell that anyway, it sure isn’t peer. pee-er?)?
If I can’t be two away (four stalls and the two end ones are being used), who do I want to pee next to? Always try to pick the guy you think will finish up first so you’re alone the greatest period of time.
3)If there’s absolutely no other choice, you must learn to pee next to two complete strangers.
Step 2: movement.
Stare straight ahead. Look at the grafetti on the walls. Don’t move your eyes from side to side, don’t move your head from side to side and for God’s sake, don’t move your body from side to side. I don’t care if the outside is a dance club, you’re in the restroom now and you’re not peeing on me. Remember, the key here is eyes straight ahead. You don’t look down to even unbuckle yourself. You’re not here to compare and contrast, this isn’t show and tell. Thankfully, many places keep the sports page tagged up on the wall to distract you for these 30 seconds. Don’t linger reading it. In fact, don’t even bother reading it at all! Just pretend that you are and move on when you’re done.
Step 3: talking
It doesn’t matter if the person next to you is His Holiness, the Pope and getting his blessing will mean your eternal salvation, you don’t talk to him. You don’t talk to anyone while peeing. Ever. The only time talking in the bathroom is acceptable is when BOTH people, not just one, are at the sinks washing their hands. Then a simple “hey,” is permitted. Anything more and you’re impeding their ability to get the hell out of the bathroom.
