Between your desire for recognition of your couple, your wish to “show off” a fancy ring, and your expectation of being an example to all (including your parents) of how a perfect relationship should be handled, methink you’re way too concerned with appearances. It’s unhealthy and somewhat childish and pretentious.
There isn’t really one way to “do it right”. OK, there is- it’s whatever makes you and your partner comfortable. But that’s not really the sort of thing you can make an example for others by doing- what makes you comfortable might not work for them.
For example, we got a sapphire ring instead of a diamond, because I didn’t want the same kind of engagement ring as everyone else. Plus, the thought of people rating my fiance by the size of my “rock” turns my stomach. So no diamond solitaire for us. We didn’t have the men wearing tuxes at the wedding, because Mr. Neville hates tuxes (he claims only thin people look good in them). We had an afternoon wedding, so we wouldn’t have to have a whole evening of dancing because he doesn’t think he’s a very good dancer and doesn’t like to dance. We didn’t have a bridal shower, because I don’t like opening gifts while people are watching, or the other games that people play at bridal showers (plus, we had both been living on our own for several years, and already had two of most of the usual household gifts). The list goes on and on.
It wasn’t the kind of engagement or wedding that everybody would want to have, and it certainly wasn’t a fairytale. But it worked for us, and that’s what’s important.
[QUOTE=Anne Neville
For example, we got a sapphire ring instead of a diamond, because I didn’t want the same kind of engagement ring as everyone else.[/QUOTE]
Me too, for the same reason.
That, and I like sapphires and I’m so pale that diamonds look silly on me.
Eh, I’ll go you one better than that. I was distinctly promised an engagement puppy three years ago, and I’m still waiting. Yes, I got a new dog a couple months after we got married, but that was all my own doing. Besides, an adult dog is not a puppy. Oh well, maybe when we buy our next house I can make him buy me a belated engagement dog tub.
I also wanted to add some more recent thoughts about the “maybe you’ll meet the one” comments. Dr.J and I dated for seven years before we got engaged, and I can’t recall anybody ever saying anything like that to me, other than the occasional “if he was Mr. Right you’d want to have his babies” crackpot. Quite a lot of people asked me what the hell we were waiting for, and a handful of acquaintances told me they wouldn’t personally be willing to wait so long for a ring, but nobody ever said anything like what you’re describing. In fact, our friends were throwing “when you guys get married” into conversation like we had already announced our engagement and set a date years before we ever had the getting married conversation. There was never any question, even by virtual strangers (except the aforementioned crackpots), of our relationship being real and substantial and committed.
What this says to me is that your friends (and I use the term loosely in this case, given their completely unacceptable comments) have a completely different perception of your relationship than our friends had of ours at the four-year mark. So there’s an issue either with your friends or with your relationship. If they think a relationship is only substantial if there’s jewelry involved, you need to find a better class of people to associate with. Real adults with some vague understanding as to what love really is would be nice. If you can’t find those, some with enough tact and compassion to not say ugly shit about your relationship would suffice.
If your friends are capable of taking a non-engaged relationship seriously, but still say shit like this to you, then somehow they’re getting the idea from you that this isn’t a serious, committed relationship. Maybe it’s some actual problem with the relationship, maybe it’s something in the way you interact in public that lends itself to mistaken perceptions, maybe something in the way you talk about the relationship implies that it’s not all that serious. Maybe it’s that you let people get by with making these rude, dismissive comments about the relationship instead of bitchslapping them as they so richly deserve, so they assume that on some level you agree with them.
I don’t know. All I know is that until you get to root of why people are saying these things to you, it’s not going to stop, even when you have that ring on your finger.
Geez what a way to wake up in the morning!
I think an engagement ring would be nice, but it wouldn’t change anything between my boyfriend and me. It’s not that big of a deal to me, I was just curious if anyone felt that way.
And as for the ‘being an example for the family’ - I was referring to the whole respect and love each other in a relationship part. Engagement rings and wedding rings have no bearing on a relationship. I was saying that it would be nice to have, not that it’s key to having a happy relationship.
As to everything else:
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I know marriage is tough. It takes a lot on both ends, and we’ll deal with that once we get there. We’re doing just fine where we are.
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I just hate having to repeat “yes he is Mr.Right” to all these new people that I meet. With a ring, people are less likely to question me about our relationship. Stupid, yes but hey, when they’re asking all those questions, it would be nice to have something to shut them up. This only applies to the people who don’t really know you and you are forcd to be around. Sometimes you don’t have a choice in who you meet (in class, in an internship, through work, etc.). I’m politely telling them that our relationship is fine. But after a certain amount of people give you that raised eyebrow, it gets annoying.
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I’m not jealous of the relationship, I’m jealous that she can get something that’s “important” to her and then once she gets it, she treats it like nothing. Especially when she claimed repeatedly that engagement and marriage is the one thing in her life that she wants most. She has the luxury to want something, get it and then disregard it because she can get more luxurious things. (Huge example: her boyfriend gave her two diamond promise rings - she lost both of them, but he said “that’s ok, I’ll get you a better one next time”. And he did. And she still treated the rings like nothing.)
It won’t stop, even after you get engaged. Then you’ll get questions about when you’re going to get hitched, and if it’s not within a year or so, expect to get more of the raised eyebrow treatment. Then it’ll be “when are you going to have a baby?” and then “when are you going to give your kid a baby brother or sister to play with?” and so on, and so on… People are nosy, and they feel free to dispense with unrequested advice at the drop of a hat.
I understand the whole jealousy of an “unworthy” person, and how it’s very human and annoying. Keep trying to put your mind in the “would I prefer a diamond ring and her relationship, or no diamond ring and my relationship?” space.
You’d mentioned showing this to your boyfriend; maybe this’ll get the wheels turning in his head about, no really, making some concrete plans to ask you some time soon, or at least discussing your situation more fully. My husband got me an inexpensive but pretty “promise ring” before we separated for the long-distance phase of our relationship (I went away to grad school), and that served to “keep the wolves at bay,” so to speak - and it shut the nosy people up, too.
Christ, some people on this board should have a scarlet “J” next to their names - stands for “Judgmental.”
A rational person can know that marriage is not about a ring but still want one. Someone contentedly in love with their boyfriend can dream about their wedding - with great anticipation - without being childish.
I understand the sentiment behind the OP. Right now I’m dating a guy almost five years younger than me and I think he’s “the one.” But he’s not ready to be engaged yet. So I can wait. That doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous when I look at my friend’s diamond rings, while still having the common sense to be patient. Sheesh. It would be especially bad feeling that my relationship was “better” than theirs and wondering, when do I get mine? Why is her crappy relationship resulting in this visible “reward” while I don’t get one?
Well the obvious answer is that a shiny ring doesn’t make a good relationship and a good relationship doesn’t make a shiny ring. They are totally unrelated, but social conditioning tells us that they are related. Its a nice example of cognitive dissonance - believing two things that contradict each other. Happens all the time. The hard part is not letting your cognitive dissonance get the better of you.
I think what’s happening in this thread is people not being sure what Penchan really wants, not being judgemental (well, maybe a little judgemental). I’m getting mixed messages from her, myself.
Seriously and with no meanness intended, what were you looking for when you started this thread, Penchan? Were you looking for relationship advice, validation of your position, commiseration with your jealously of the girl who’s got what you want and doesn’t deserve it? Maybe looking for some outside clarification of your feelings about your relationship?
Honestly, I didn’t know what I was expecting. I guess I was wondering if other people felt the same way about engagement and if I was being overreactive to my housemate’s nonchalant attitude once she got the huge ring she always wanted.
I didn’t want to give any impression to my boyfriend that I was pressuring him and I wanted to know if my feelings toward an engagement ring were entirely unfounded or if indeed they were normal - or as normal as you can get these days.
Thanks everyone for your input, it really helped me shape what I really want. And it’s exactly what I have. It’s a good relationship that’s moving on its own pace and hey, if I get a ring, cool, if not then that’s fine too. I guess the tough love forced me to choose exactly what I stand for and what I want.
And thank you Ghanima for your input especially. I couldn’t have said it better. Oi it’s hard when you’re not eloquent. 
Sorry to sound so snarky before, but what I’m getting from your posts is that engagement is about the ring, about showing everyone else, about the look of the thing, about the fairytale, about the big flashy wedding. What I’m not getting - and the bit that I think is important - is that engagement is about the guy you’re with, the forever and the love. Even when you do talk about the boyfriend, it’s about showing him this thread and trying to influence him to step up the engagement plans. You are also way too concerned with what other people think of your relationship - why should you even care?
I was 23 when we got engaged. My husband-to-be knew that I would want to choose a ring myself, and I know he would have bought me anything I asked for, but after the initial excitement wore off I realised that I found looking in jewelry stores quite boring and I really wasn’t interested in rings at all. Instead, we put a deposit on our home, so now when people ask me where my engagement ring is I tell them we live in it.
If someone had asked me why we were getting married, my reasons would not have had anything to do with showing other people that we were serious as a couple - it was about him, about being with him and him being with me, and the two of us making vows and promises to each other. We didn’t have a huge wedding but it was so beautiful and perfect and we were able to pay for it ourselves instead of relying on everyone else to pay for it. We thought about what was important to us, and cut out all those bits that weren’t. For my wedding ring, I chose a plain white gold band for under $100 US dollars - what matters to me is the vow he made when he put it on my finger, not what it’s made of or how many shiny stones it has in it.
Your posts come across as very shallow and overly concerned about outward apperances. You don’t seem to be reflecting on what I consider to be the important things about engagement - the relationship, the guy, the future. I realise that posts on a message board can hardly touch all the things that are going through your head on so complex a subject, but the parts you’ve chosen to focus on and express here are the - IMO - least important, and make me feel that perhaps you’re still a little immature to be contemplating marriage. Perhaps other people feel that way too, as it’s the only explanation I can think of for why they’re questioning you about finding Mr Right. I can honestly say that no one ever dismissed my relationship in such a way either before or after we were engaged.
I can’t say the same thing. Hell, at least one of my now-husband’s sisters was trying to set him up with other women after we’d been together (dating) for years. My father-in-law had enough gall to ask my husband that I sign an agreement that I’d return the heirloom (from his own mother) engagement ring if we broke it off/divorced. (My husband refused.)
I posted about one particular thing because that was the only thing I was wondering about. I’m sure about how I feel about him and how he feels about me. Our relationship works for us and we feel like we’re the best fit because of how our personalities mesh. But why would anyone want to read about that when I was only asking one question? I already said a bit about how we’re stable and how we work out, but I didn’t think I had to go into how perfect we were, yadda yadda, because that wasn’t the part I was questioning. I didn’t think anyone would want to read about all that stuff because it pertains to us only, and I bet no one would want to read about mushy stuff.
Again, it’s only the people who don’t know either of us, the people I have to associate because I work with them, etc. that act that way toward us. It’s annoying when your boss is asking questions about the relationship and you don’t feel like you have to justify being with someone. My friends understand, and they know where we’re at.
We know where we are, we know what we’re ready for and we’re dealing with those issues so please don’t assume things. We talk about the serious issues and work them out as they come along. Right now we are making plans for the future because we feel we have to discuss this before it happens. I came on this board asking what other people felt about this issue because I felt perhaps other older, more experienced people could give me feedback. I wasn’t saying anything about how the engagement ring was the only thing that meant to me. I said the exact opposite. I came on here asking a question I’ve been thinking a bit about, and have stated so. So please don’t assume that I’m this shallow person as I have explained my position of a person wondering about something significant that will happen in my life. I sought the advice of older, wiser people on this issue, so how is that immature?
OK, I think I understand. You are unhappy about someone having something (an engagement) that you want very much and treating it like nothing important.
Well, that’s what we’re here for. That and naked posters streaking the threads, of course.
I totally know what you’re going through, Penchan. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years, but we live about 5 states (or 2 flights) apart. We get more nosy, invasive, judgmental comments than I can stand. (Why don’t you move there? Why doesn’t he move here? If he really loved you, he’d move for you. And that sort of thing.) They’re never from our very supportive, caring families or friends. They’re always from people at work or outside activities who don’t understand the whole situation. And I too sometimes wish we could just get engaged so that “they” would all see our relationship advancing. But I know it’s not right for us so I try to brush it off. But it can be hard.
I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. ('Cause it’s awfully nice knowing I’m not the only one!)
FWIW, I totally disagree. I don’t know if you have much experience posting to other boards, but when I was a newbie here I learned pretty quickly to read my posts looking for the cracks, because people will take any opportunity to tear into you. It seems to me that you just haven’t learned to construct the kind of watertight posts required to dodge this kind of judgmentalism yet. (I’m still working on that myself :)) No worries, though, you’re doing better than I did when I first joined. BTW, there are a couple of old threads here about inexpensive weddings, they are some of the most touching and informative threads I’ve read here. You might want to read some of those if you can find them.
I understand where you’re coming from, Penchan. My husband and I were together for about 4 years before getting married. (I was in school and we did the long-distance thing for most of that time.) We were only engaged for about 6 months of that time. “Boyfriend” has the connotation of someone who takes you out to the movies every Friday. “Fiance” implies “man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.” It doesn’t necessarily change matters between the two of you, but it does make it easier to explain your relationship to people who don’t know you well.
And there is nothing wrong with wanting a pretty ring. It does not make you shallow or less commited to the relationship or any of that nonsense. My engagement ring is important to me, not because I want to show it off or flash it around, but because it’s beautiful and my husband gave it to me.