In a pit thread about inept gift givers someone mentioned the episode of S&tC where Aidan buys Carrie an engagement ring. She accidentally finds it and is horrified to see that it is a ring she considers to be incredibly ugly. Now, she had some other issues with the potential engagement to be sure, such as not really wanting to get married to Aidan in the first place, but she spends a good deal of time discussing the horribleness of the ring with her friends.
In the thread in the pit it is mentioned that people should just be grateful for the gifts they are given but I am not sure how I feel about that. Yes, she should be appreciative that she has a man that loves her enough to marry her and get her a ring that obviously cost a pretty penny since that kind of thing is so important to her, but I think she had a point about the “bad ring” when she talked about it being her engagement ring and that she wanted to show it off to people, not hide it from them because she was embarrassed by it. I can completely understand that a woman would want to shout to the world that she is getting married and not hide away behind false modesty and a pair of gloves. But on the other hand I can understand that she should really be appreciative that he picked something out with her in mind to be a symbol of the start of their life together. But on the third hand I would be sad if my boyfriend didn’t consult me at all about the jewelry that would be the only thing I would consistently be wearing over the next 40 or 50 years of my life.
My boyfriend and I have talked about what kind of jewelry suits me best and my wants and needs when it comes to that kind of thing so I don’t doubt he would pick out something perfect for me but not all men are willing to have that conversation with a woman or they want to get her a ring just like the one their dad got their mom or whatever. I can easily see a man picking out something that he thinks is perfect but that she doesn’t particularly like. Ladies, if your man picked you out a ring that you thought was tacky or gaudy or too plain how would you respond? Men, how would you feel if your soon-to-be fiance said she didn’t like the ring?
Personally if I was presented with something that was less than ideal but obviously took my desires into account (I’m allergic to gold so I have to have a silver or platinum band, for example) I would wear it and love it because it came from him. If it was so far from acceptable that I blanched when I opened the box (like, I dunno, a diamond studded skull and crossbones or something) I would ask him if it were possible to exchange it for something a little different, though I know it would hurt his feelings if I asked him that. I would hate hurting his feelings but I think it would make him feel worse if I were hiding the ring away from other people because I didn’t want them to see it.
Hey. ::raises hand:: It was me who commented on that episode.
I rethought what I said, and yeah, I don’t think someone should have to wear something they absolutely hate. (Though do people wear their engagement rings for years? I don’t know…neither of my parents wear their wedding rings, even.)
But Carrie’s attitude still bothers me. He didn’t exactly give her a diamond studded crossbones. Apparently it was a “pear shaped diamond with a gold band.” Oh no, a GOLD band! It wasn’t her personal taste (as I recall, Miranda helped Aidan pick it out). It was just the disdainful tone of voice, the entitlement. It just made me wonder why the hell he’d want to marry her.
I did not think this was possible. I did some casting about on thar intarwebs, and lo and behold, there are rare isolated cases of real-life gold allergies.
Ignorance fought!
For the OP, yes, I (a male) would be devastated if the fiancée didn’t like the ring. But should I ever have occasion to pick one out, I intend to do a damn thorough job figuring out what she wants.
I would of course prefer and be much happier if my partner liked the ring I had picked, I wouldn’t be devastated or even unhappy in her disliking it. Different people have different tastes and even when you do your best job to make a good guess, it’s still just a guess. There’s no reason to feel bad about that.
But if she turned me down solely because of the ring, that would be disturbing. Devastating at first, but in the end I think it would be saying something about the girl so in the long run I think it would actually have been a good thing.
Many people who say they’re allergic to gold actually are sensitive to the nickel in low-carat and white golds. I know that in my case, at least, it’s easier to say I’m allergic to gold than to say “I have nickel-sensitive dermatitis” and then have to explain metallurgy to the person who says “Oh, but this isn’t nickel! It’s gold!”
I don’t know what about gold causes me to be allergic to it, but whatever it is makes me not ever want to wear it. My mom and grandma are the same way actually. If I wear a gold ring or necklace or something for more than a few hours it leaves my skin itchy and colored like I am bruised or something. It is very difficult for me to buy jewelry because the sales people and I have the same conversation every time where they try to argue with me about my allergies and how I just have never worn real gold before or whatever. :rolleyes:
Oh, and Freudian Slit, you are right about Carrie. She is a bitch with an over-inflated sense of entitlement. I’m not disagreeing with you about that! I just always thought that this was one of the few times she had a legitimate reason to feel the way she did.
I’ve thought about this a little recently. I’m a little concerned about him picking something out because he doesn’t really know jewelry all that well. He doesn’t wear any at all, and he’s never had a woman in his life to buy the sparkly stuff for. In general, he knows what types of stuff I tend to buy and wear, but dangly silver earrings don’t necessarily translate well to the type of ring I’d like, at least not in his head. And he knows I’m fairly picky, and I think that scares him. He’s not the type who’d take me ring-shopping, because that’s not the “traditional” way of doing it. But he knows who my closest friends are and that they’ll have an idea or two for him. I’ve also made a few well-placed comments about jewelry in general, like how I prefer small understated stuff. I have faith.
That said, if the ring was anywhere remotely close to something I’d choose, I wouldn’t make a peep about it. If it was the complete opposite of what I like, I’d probably ask him (some time AFTER flinging myself at him and screaming “YES” and kissing his face off) if we could possibly think about changing it. I think he’d be a little upset but also happy to be sure I’m happy with it. He’s indicated in the past that he’s unsure about buying me jewelry because he has no clue what’s “my style”. I guess he’s just not good at picking up a “style” from all the stuff I wear.
In order to avoid the “let’s exchange it” problem, don’t most women have friends and family the guy can go to for advice? Or an obvious “secret” folder full of pictures on the computer? Or pictures of rings taped to the fridge, if they get desperate?
How often is a guy totally clueless about what to do?
Before my sister got engaged (she’s now married) she left numerous examples of rings she liked for my brother-in-law. They were all traditional solitaire shapes like the round or princess cut. He even went so far as to ask her how big of a diamond she wanted and she picked out some modest sized bauble.
Then he took her to Brugges and surprised her with a gigantic heart shaped diamond (they can afford it)…which was completely unlike anything she had picked out for herself.
She’s still wearing it even though she giggles every time she looks at it. My brother is a classic tech dork-she makes lists, he buys off of it. On this occasion, he genuinely wanted to show her that he put some thought into it and I think that melted her heart…right on to her ring finger.
Fortunately he got lucky in that she’s got those type of longer hands with very slim long fingers that can carry most shapes. I’ve got little paws and there are only a few cuts that look good on me (traditional round cut solitaire looks best). That said, I’m not overly concerned about my engagement ring-I guess if it were my first/only nice piece of jewellry I’d be more interested in getting it “just right” but it’s not going to be (my sister and I inherited a lot of ancient gold) so I’ll probably love whatever I get for the thought of it, even if it’s not to my taste.
I received a diamond engagement ring many years ago. I cringed when it was given to me, but I dont think he noticed. It wasnt a hideous piece of work, it’s actually kinda pretty in that unusual way - but it was too big for my small hands and just too much bling. Besides, I have an abnormal fear of the number nine and it has 9 diamonds. I keep tellin myself to sell the darn thing on ebay and see if I can get something decent for it.
He didnt take the time to get to know me to see what I wanted/liked. That’s probably what annoyed me the most… he was always tryin to impress me with materialistic things and would often purchase big items without consulting me. Didnt last long.
The ring I got for Christmas was one within my taste; my SO did a great job! Had he not, I would have requested finding a ring together and either returning/exchanging that one or keeping it to wear on another finger or handing it down to the kids. Well, actually I did request that he exchange it - for a smaller size!
As for Carrie - well, she does come across as an ungrateful little snob but what I see is that she uses the ring as a focus point for her true fear and her true feelings of the relationship. It’s like she is always comparing her lost love to her new love and as much as she wants to forget the past and move on to the future, she just cant do it and therefore sabatoges what she has. Aidan is opposite of Big - wants Carrie to meet his parents, spends time with her and her friends, builds things, romantic, etc etc etc. Big tries to keep Carrie and her friends out of his world (he would never introduce her to his mother and it practically took an act of og to get him to have dinner with her friends). Big’s an ass (a wealthy, good looking screwed up one) and Carrie’s a frucked up snobby walking issue.
That’s the thing. I could not imagine buying an engagement ring that I hadn’t gone through great pains to make sure she would like. I also can’t imagine being at the point where you’d propose but still not have a clue as to your would-be fiancee’s tastes. Even if I was a boob and knew I was a terrible judge of those things, I’d probably have my sister or one of her friends who I am confident has similar tastes as my fiancee tag along and make sure my choice was right.
But then, the true Big Deal is the proposal. If my fiancee indicated the frakking ring was the Big Deal we’d have a problem.
BTW: My fiancee doesn’t wear rings, doesn’t really like them, so there is no engagement ring. (And we still don’t know what to do about weddings bands.)
But there is actual allergies to gold as well. I haven’t been tested (it’s very expensive, and there’s no treatment, so it doesn’t make much sense) but I believe I’m allergic to it.
My engagement ring is 19.2 carat gold, and contains no nickel - I checked with the guy who made it. I wore it for over 2 years with no problem, then BANG, my fingers started getting red and itchy when I wore it. Cleaned it professionally several times, no luck. Finally went to doc about it and he said I was probably allergic to the gold in it, since the other metals it contained were relatively benign.
I did find a solution - you can get the inside coated with rhodium very cheaply ($20 or less) and that does the trick for me. I have to get it done every few months as it wears off, but it’s well worth it since it allows me to wear the damn thing.
Back to the OP - my first husband put all of ten minutes into picking out my engagement ring, and that bothered me more than the ring itself. We were young and poor, so given our budget ($500 or less), I wasn’t getting some huge rock. Still, he want to the closest mall, to the first jewelry store he saw, and the salesperson talked him into a very generic solitaire. I would have preferred a smaller ring, maybe not even a diamond, but something he put a little more effort into. Still, I would have never bitched to him about it. It did always bug me, though.
Current ring, my hubby put a huge amount of time and effort into it. First we shopped together and he got an idea of the style I liked. Then he found a jeweler and worked with him to create a unique one-of-a-kind ring. High carat gold (despite the allergy I’m a gold nut), a sapphire instead of a diamond, but with 18 little teeensy diamonds embedded on the band. It’s flat out the prettiest ring I’ve ever seen, but it’s not your average engagement ring either.
My God, how shallow. It’s a shiny rock. Who cares? There are people in the world with real problems.
You know what kind of ring I got for my wife? None. She explicitly told me not to because it’s a stupid waste of money.
By the way, do you know how those rocks get mined? By little kids in West Africa. We’re talking kids as young as 6 or 7 who are forced to work 10 or 12 hours a day by armed guards so warlords can finance their wars and you can have a shiny rock that meets your “wants and needs.” When you look at that stone on your finger, rememeber that the chances are very good that a child was force to dig out of the ground at gunpoint.
Aren’t there better ways you could derive self-esteem? Are there really people who think that other people should care about what kind of ring they like? This is something that some people think actually matters in this world?
I’m surprised it took 12 posts. Dude, you can make this argument about anything, including the food you eat and the clothes on your back. Hating diamonds, designer handbags and weddings are SD memes.
What about all those electronics purchased in this country? Are you aware that when they’re sent off to the third world to be recycled that the plastics are burned in large heaps and such?
Besides, there are ethical diamonds mined out of Canada and lab created diamonds are on the rise.
Well, there is always the option of conflict-free diamonds from Canada. Or are there polar bears working the mines at gunpoint?
And yeah, so some women would like a symbol of commitment to wear on their hand. Big deal. I don’t think a single poster here has said anything about bigger being better, or equated cost with love. It’s not like all women are yearning for a Hope diamond to weigh down their left hand. I don’t think it makes me “shallow” to want an engagement ring - as I implied in my earlier post, I’d say yes to ANY proposal he offered me, ring or no ring or hideous ring or whatever. All I’m saying (and I think most of us are saying" is that if there’s going to be a ring, it would be nice if it was one we’d actually enjoy wearing as an everyday piece of jewelry.
Don’t be an ass. If your wife doesn’t like diamond jewlery (or jewlery in general), then sure it’s a waste of money. Some people like it. Spending money on a non-essential like jewlery because it brings you pleasure is no more or less shallow than spending money to go to the movies, or go out to dinner, or buy a new home entertainment system, or any other non-essential purchase.
I didn’t see anyone in this thread saying getting a ring they don’t like is on par with “people who have real problems”. How would you like it if you posted a thread on, I don’t know, a movie you thought was really bad, and I said “My God, how shallow. It’s just pictures on a screen. Who cares? There are people in the world with real problems. Aren’t their better ways you could spend your time? This is something that some people think actually matters in this world?”
At the very least you’d probably tell me I was threadshitting, and generally being a jerk. And you’d be right.
We felt the same when we got engaged. My wife expressly told me not to get her a fancy ring, because we could not afford it.
Years later. I got her a nice diamond anniversary ring - not because I thought I had to, but because I wanted to. Being Canadian, I got Canadian diamonds.
The fact is that diamonds are nice and sparkly. I like the way they look. I don’t know if anything else really sparkles in the same way, though maybe that’s subjective. They are a luxury to own, and like any luxury, by definition they are not necessary- but what is wrong with some frivolity if you can afford it?
I don’t especially care about any of that stuff either, but diamonds are even lamer, not just because of the child slave thing, but also because they’re so utterly useless. At least electronics serve some sort of function. Jewelry serves none. It’s a profoundly immature thing to place any importance on. I feel the same way about the idiots with the big gold chains and giant, honking dollar sign pendants, by the way. Engagement rings have no more inherent class or dignity.
