A Prairie Home Companion, the radio show, is having a contest for love sonnets, and I have entered. Although I’ve already sent it in, I guess I could re-submit if I wanted to make changes, but mainly I am just curious for other peoples’ reactions. Here it is:
Irritation follows me though the day
As you tweak my nose while I try to eat
Or borrow tools and don’t put them away
Or while I’m on a ladder, pinch my seat.
And though you cook and keep the garden green
Your washing-up leaves much to be desired.
The spoons and plates too often aren’t clean
And if I paid for cleaning, you’d be fired.
Complaints both trite and trivial, I know,
And If I ever mentioned them aloud
'Twould be the greater part of folly, so
I smile and I remember and am proud.
My life before I met you was a mess.
Now love, and warmth, and ardor - more or less.
While the first line is a bit irregular, I think it falls within the acceptable bounds for iambic pentameter. However, I think lines 2-4 only have four strong syllables each, so they fall outside acceptable limits.
My other criticism is that the last three words “more or less” are an anticlimax. It’s fine to end with a joke, but not to undo what you said earlier. In fact, if I were the addressee of this sonnet, I might feel insulted by those last words.
Also, the sonnet just seems lukewarm to me, and I’m left with a stronger feeling of complaint than of anything else. There’s nothing in the sonnet to support the feeling that these points are merely lighthearted pokes and that they are indicative of some deeper affection. “I smile and I remember and am proud.” Remember what? Proud of what? Where in this relationship is the love and warmth and ardor? I’m not feeling it. But I never was much of a poetry critic, so take that with a grain of salt.
Thank you all for the feedback, I appreciate the time you took to respond.
The imperfect scansion in the first two lines was intentional (to offset the rhyme scheme that is a little too pat).
Much of the ambiguity (such as it is) is also intentional, again so that the meaning is not too entirely direct or obvious.
HazelNutCoffee, I appreciate your comment, and I believe I understand what you are saying. I was aiming for a certain tone that I may not have achieved.
Giles, the ending is intended to serve up the sentiment with a small slice of wry to keep it from being cloying.
Having said all that, perhaps my reach here exceeded my grasp.
Technically, it all scans–the rhythm is a bit wonky in places (DA-dum-dum [I can’t remember the name of this] instead of DA-dum DA-dum [trochee]), but you have the right number of feet per line.
As an expression of sentiment… uh. It kind of feels like you’re saying: “Yeah, yeah, love you madly, BUT this, this, this, and this annoys me about you, so knock it off, okay?” Not the most ringing endorsement.
It’s cute. But I think if I were the addressee, my smile might be just slightly strained as I read it.
On preview: aha, I see. It’s a good poem–I just don’t get the wry feeling so much as what HazelNutCoffee said.
Not bad, IMHO. I agree with previous comments that your tone is muddled. There’s nothing wrong with your intention of, to coin a phrase, cutting through the treacle of traditional love sonnets, but you’ve got to put a little carrot up in front of that mule.
Start off with a sweet statement, then the “complaints” will not only be more surprising, but funnier and more original-seeming as well. Then you can come back to where you want to end, however close to the balance point that may be.
It’s a good poem–I just don’t get the wry feeling so much as what HazelNutCoffee said.