I wrote this a while ago, for someone I thought deserved it. I’m wondering if it’s worth keeping for possible future publication.
Submitted for your approval: my potential future multi-million dollar-making poem. <ahem>
A long long time ago
Perhaps in another life
I remember someone just like you
Perhaps she was my wife
She had red hair and baby blue eyes
A voice like an angel’s song
Lips that I loved to kiss all the time
Legs - her legs, how long!
Beautiful cheeks, a perfect nose
Don’t get me started on her breasts!
Wonderful ears and perfect feet
As beautiful as the rest
And in my dreams or prior life -
Wherever she came from -
Her image overtakes my mind
And my heart beats like a drum
Today I get to call her mine
As fate brought us together
Her lips as full and thick as can be
Her touch soft as a feather
My love for her will never end
As long as there are seas
The fates have truly blessed my soul
By giving this gift to me.
Where you say “Wonderful ears and perfect feet” I would change it to “Beautiful ears and perfect feet” to relate with the “Beautiful cheeks, a perfect nose,” and then replace “beautiful” in the next line with “wonderful” or something. Otherwise, perhaps using a word other than perfect in one of the instances. Also, you talk about her physical characteristics, then go philosophical, then back to physical…I think I would try to group the features together, and then do the reflection. Also, the tone waivers from that of a light poem to something sounding more serious and for-the-ages. (The “Don’t get me started on her breasts!” seems out of place, to me. Also, “Legs - her legs, how long!” does not fit the meter and seems like an unusual praise for a love poem.) Also, it is kind of a non sequitor to say “As fate brought us together/Her lips as full and thick as can be.” (Btw, “as can be” would be a great place to put a nice simile.) There needs to be another part to the “as fate brought us together.”
I’m no English major or anything, but it’s just if I were writing the poem, those are some places I’d start from. That may just be because I’m from the Donne School of Romance, while yours sometimes seems like it wants to be lighthearted and modern.
It’s OK if it sucked, though. She doesn’t deserve it anyway. I thought she did, but that’s already been posted in the Pit, and ripped apart by others on its own. I’ll save that for the archives.
Anyway, now that I look at it from your perspective, I can see your point. I don’t want to point out any other flaws that I saw, because that will open the proverbial can of worms for others to just tear it up (which I’m sure certain others would delight in doing) and I’m looking for honest criticism or praise, whichever it is worthy of in the reader’s eyes.
Now that I’ve seemingly hijacked my own thread … carry on!
I was going to come in and post my standard “Thanks for the poem, sucker, now I’m going to copy it out and mail it to all the big poetry publications under my name and rake in the bux” but THAT poem really bites. “Heart beats like a drum” ? “As long as there are SEAS” ?
Perhaps I should give some reasons. The poem is not bad but is old fashioned. I don’t want to hurt you but it seems written by a 10 years old boy back in the 19 century. Anyway I am not an specialist in english poetry (not even in spanish poetry) it is just an amateur opinion
I guess it sucks worse than I thought. If the usually generous and open-minded Dopers pan it, I guess it wasn’t worth the ink it was originally written with. I appreciate the honesty, though. I’ll have to work on my style or something. Or just give up on poetry and stick to the short stories. Maybe just give up on the “love” poems and stick to the sad ones.
I’m not qualified to critique poetry, but may I make a comment on your copyright notice? (Which I realize is probably not completely serious.)
If you ever do write a million-dollar poem, you should know that by posting it here, you grant the Chicago Reader full rights to use it in any way they want. Cite? The bottom of this very page.
IMO, your copyright would apply to other SDMB readers, but it would not nullify the Chicago Reader’s rights. Disclaimer: IANAL.
But why should you care what a bunch of strangers think? Sounds like you wrote it for a very special person. If she likes it, and (more importantly) if it got you laid, why ask us?
It seems naive; idealizing someone you now admit doesn’t deserve it. I’d like to see the poem you’d write about her now-that could be entertaining. Just remember:
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.
-Oscar Wilde
It seems naive; idealizing someone you now admit doesn’t deserve it. I’d like to see the poem you’d write about her now-that could be entertaining. Just remember:
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.
-Oscar Wilde