Today was one of those days. I had a mountain of shit to do and I feel like I did hardly half of what I set out to achieve, and it was me spending half the day just writing, rewriting, thinking, rewriting…
Gah!
What time is it? 
Yeah, I had those days, it’s called a hangover…
I once called in stupid. I lost my glasses while I was putting my makeup on, lost my keys and then hid my lunch in the closet while looking for my keys. If I couldn’t manage to get out of my home, I was way too stupid to drive or pretend to work.
All too often now.
Yeah. Yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that.
And probably tomorrow.
As a graphic designer and writer, I HAVE to be creative on demand.
But back in my Big Ad Agency job, there were days that I just wasn’t. Mostly days that I was sick and felt like crap. Luckily, there was always uncreative work/financial/organizational/clean up stuff to catch up on, and I could say “Hey, Boss Lady, I feel horrible. I could go home, or just hunker down and get ______ and ______ done, and not talk to anyone.”
(NOTE: with a wife and a bunch of kids at home, I got much more rest locking myself in my office. If I’d stayed home, I’d’ve never gotten well…)
I haven’t been able to write consistently since I got pregnant, and my kid is 7.5 months old now. I have a book that’s only three revised chapters away from a final draft, and it’s just been sitting there for over a year. (I started it SIX years ago.)
While I was pregnant I had zero energy and constant brain fog, so it made sense, at least. But now it’s like part of my brain has never fully recovered.
Tomorrow.
It’s a good thing DH was home this evening, because I was having a very hard time figuring out operating the oven. We’ve lived in this apartment, and been using this very appliance, for EIGHT YEARS.
DH also caught himself trying to put salad in the microwave.
Or the day before a migraine.
I have those days with increasing frequency now. Kinda sucks.
Or the day after.
The term is… let me try to remember… what was the question again? Ah, yes… ‘brain fog’. 
Yes I have! Or, wait, well, maybe I haven’t.
I don’t know what goes on inside my head. There’s an obnoxious Type A narrator speaking for the whole pile as if he’s sitting on top of it, but I think he has more to do with language – and with rational justifications to excuse my emotions – than he does with the process that really generates progress.
I really don’t have any evidence that the days that feel like you’re describing are less productive than the days that feel like the opposite.
Blowing up a balloon doesn’t seem to profit any by the time spent inhaling. And yet, if you understand how the process works, you know it actually does. But that’s just because this is a simple example.
Days when I can’t write, think, or be creative? Yup — anytime I’m not facing an imminent deadline.
A member of my creative team dabbles in astrology and always announces to the team when mercury is in retrograde, which is apparently a period when all productivity, efficiency, clear thinking, good communication, and well made plans go into the crapper.
As has been my week so far (after I’d long forgotten he’d said it, but all of these posts reminded me of it and it feels kinda true).
This current phase of retrograde ends on Election Day in the US. Go figure.
Yes.
In my retirement, I no longer feel the need to be “productive” every day. I’m okay with coasting somewhat. But since the lockdown I’ve become even more useless and veg-like. I tell myself that at least I’m not actively out doing harm. And I do stock a neighborhood little free food pantry (at my own expense) several times a week. That’s my rent for occupying space and breathing air.
However… this next week-to-month period is going to be very very bad for my mental stability. I know the same is true for many of y’all. I’m declaring myself totally Off Duty for the duration. No pressure to write (except here, of course), think, or be creative. This feels like that period when you’re anticipating potentially life-threatening surgery (either yours–scant experience there–or a loved one’s–beaucoups of experience there). The overwhelming feeling is deep, dark, black dread, paradoxically mixed with a desire to fast-forward and get it over with so you can deal with the aftermath. Re the aftermath, sometimes you do everything right and they still die.
I am soooooo glad I gave up drinking many years ago. Holy crap. In the early 80s I put away oceans of anything alcoholic I could get my hands on. And I was so broke that mostly it was gallon jugs of $4.00 wine (yes it was that cheap in every sense). Mercifully and by the grace of Og, I no longer have any desire to drink or get drunk (the latter was my sole motivation and I was very accomplished at it!). 'Cause these times would be perfect to disappear into oblivion. +
At least it’s not just me. Without the need to get up every day and get back to working on some problem my lacks the impetus to wake up. Add to that the pandemic which keeps me at home and away from people almost all the time and there’s not much reason to bother using my brain at all. Other health issues have contributed to the malaise, and the stress and anxiety about the events to occur next week make me wish I could just go to sleep.
Today’s better, but man, yesterday was just shit. And I actually wasn’t hung over lol. Just lost in perpetual thought, occasional anxiety, etc. Lack of productiveness and frustration can fuel my anxiety, which in turn circles back and makes me less productive. A bad feedback loop to be stuck in.