Bad enough that I don’t speak to him. The last time I spoke to him was in '99 at another brother’s funeral. Before that it was the incidents at my wedding in '97 that were the last straw.
One summer he had to tease me till I burst into tears everyday. Sometimes he waited till the end of the day. I don’t know it was just a challenge to himself. Somedays he wanted to see how early he could get it done. Usually it was some sort of public humiliation in front of other kids in the neighborhood. Now, I 'm a very passive person. It’s the hardest thing in the world for me to stand up for myself, to go for what I want, to even say that I want something makes my stomach feel like I’ve swallowed a gallon of melted road tar. I haven’t spoken to him in years but I hear his insults everyday in my head.
BTW I turn 40 in October. I hope maybe the second half of my life won’t suck so much and I can finally be free of him.
I wonder if your voice lingers in your brother’s head?
I agree. I’m not a parent but I’ve been fascinated by the interaction of parents and children all my life.
I’ve learned a couple of things. We are all the product of our environment. Everything we see and here is absorbed on some level. I often use a tactic my mother used and that is preemptive strikes. As adults we already experienced childhood and can anticipate an event before it happens. Telling children what you expect of them is a great technique if delivered properly. Example: my sister adopted 2 children. The 2nd child was adopted at age 2 when the first one was 2. You can imagine the chaos of 2-year-olds forced together. The first child was NOT happy about the event. Before the 2nd one arrived I talked to the first child and told him how strange and frightening it would be to come live in a new house with strange people. No toys to play with or friends, etc… When they walked in the door the first child ran up to the new arrival and hugged him. Of course they’ve fought like 2 cats in a dryer ever since but you get the point.
2nd technique is to demand accountability for the child’s actions, especially emotional ones. ex: I had a run in with some young neighbor kids who thought I ran over their cat (it was found dead in the curb in front of my car). They called me names as I drove by so I stopped my car and preceded to talk to them rationally. One of them was quit abusive so I included his mother in the conversation. She gave him the usual lecture but I made sure to insist on an apology. An apology is an act of contrition, (a kind of gift) that benefits both parties because it is given, and accepted. It ends the conflict before it festers. The abusive kid ended up asking me for a job a couple of weeks later which, for a while anyway, gave him a sense accomplishment and self worth.
Going back to preemptive strikes. My mother used these constantly. They were like little mini “mom” commercials. I never got a lecture to remain a virgin but I routinely got the “don’t ever come home and tell me you’re a father” lecture. It was understood. Use your head. Be responsible. She also got me thinking about college at a young age. Starting at about age 12 she would tell me that when I was 18 I had to pay rent unless I went to college. Message, do something with your life or pay the piper. She would just look at me and blurt these things out. Who knew my HS educated mother was an advertising genius.
Another preemptive example: You’re going out to eat. Instead of telling your kids in the car that you will ground them for life if they misbehave at the restaurant you start earlier in the day with stories of your first visit to a restaurant as a kid. How special it was to be included in adult activity, how your mother taught you table manners, how nice it felt to dress up etc… The trick, and it’s a skill, is the delivery. You can’t beat the message of Jesus into a kid. The message is always delivered passively but in specific terms. Asking a child (after a time period of preemptives) if they would be interested in dining at a classy restaurant is an invitation to hang with the adults. It carries it’s own message. Asking them ahead of time what kind of things they would like to eat (and telling them what you think you might get) is a preemptive to avoid last minute fussing in front of the waiter. All the things you anticipate will spin out of control can be addressed passively before they happen.