Yeah, the moral of the story is that that is how you get the star.
One time in 1991 my freakish work schedule left me wandering Seattle’s Pike Place Market around 5 or 6 am. No place was really open, but a Thai food stand had one guy setting up and getting the ovens started and stuff, and although nothing on the menu was available, he was open to some improvisation. I wound up with a delicious satay-and-eggs.
Charlottesville, VA has a couple of greasy spoons with specialties that originated from some customers’ off-the-menu requests (White Spot’s Gusburger, University Diner’s Grillswith, etc).
Here’s where you lose me. You seem be saying it’s “bullshit” that waitstaff are ever snarky to customers (which is absurd–neuroses run both ways), and that it’s overly demanding and wasteful on the customer’s part to want their food cooked correctly. You’re providing a service, not running a food museum. If I got the impression that when I asked to have a steak cooked to order that chef or waiter felt like they were being asked to cut Guernica down smaller so I could reframe it to fit over my couch – well, I wouldn’t go back there.
Guess what? Neurotic people are neurotic about everything. Bookstore clerks have to deal with people being neurotic about books. Nurses have to deal with people’s neuroses about medicine. It’s not just food. So I don’t believe your culinary expertise grants you the power to make long-distance psychiatric diagnoses.
I agree that there are certainly people who like to call attention to what it is they are eating, whether through dietary restrictions or imagined allergies or pickiness. I try to avoid dining out with people like this (many of whom are vegans, the truth be told) because they’re generally no fun in other areas, but I don’t think they’re interested in the waiter’s on-the-fly diagnosis of their mental problems. Shut up and serve them or kick them the fuck out. And if you feel that everyone should eat shoe-leather steaks because somebody between table and kitchen fucked up but you’d rather chalk it up to the craziness of everyone around you, you need to find another line of work.
That’s a very dramatic depiction of a cutting edge restaurant. Hey–kind of like the British comedy Chef, starring Lenny Henry.
Now, what did that talented & temperamental chef call his waiters? “Idiots.”
(As stated early, I’m usually happy to order what’s on the menu. But I, too, would send back a steak that was severely overcooked.)
You know, I didn’t really think about it before Bridget Burke’s post, but it seems apparent from devilsknew’s post that he has an unhealthy relationship with hyperbole.
Here’s an idea: if you and your chef don’t want to take the trouble to prepare “off menu” dishes, then don’t. Weigh the bother involved against the repeat-customer business you might be gaining, decide on a policy, stick to the policy, and quit whining.
Repeat customer business? Who wants repeat business from PITAs who think they’re too special to order from the menu?
Awesome! I will have to check it out sometime.
But…but…surely fried chicken balls were invented especially for my precious little snowflake! 
Well, if you make people so happy that they tell all their friends about you, that’s a good thing, right? Not all the friends of a PITA will be PITAs.
Yes they will. Guaranteed.
There’s an Italian restaurant in Boston’s North End where it’s actually difficult to get away with ordering from the menu. The chef likes to come and chat and then figure out what you feel like eating that he feels like cooking. We haven’t eaten there in years, though, because I became sadly too lactose intolerant to handle his food. Sigh.
And we used to not so much order off menu as the waiter at our favourite diner would make sure we had everything we wanted, whether it was actually included in what we ordered or not - fresh salsa, real maple syrup, the little stuff that made everything extra yum… but while he was working there we got to have a great relationship with him.
I think there’s a big difference between being picky and being a spoiled, big-tipping regular. Sure, it probably makes us yuppy scum, but I can live with that. I have the wall picked out to be shot against come the revolution.
You’re such a cynic.
:dubious: So is there any point at which it does become worthwhile to cater to customers’ requests? Let’s say I tip the waiter 50% and buy a shot of Louis XIII cognac for everybody on the line. Is that enough of an incentive for you to give me the mashed potatoes instead of the farro?
When I was a line cook, I got paid the same regardless, so I never had any incentive for having to disrupt my own station, go find special equipment and ingredients, and get behind on my orders just because some douchebag wanted an egg white omelette with sliced grape tomatoes.
I wonder if the special order people understand that they’re actually putting the line behind and delaying other people’s orders. Or do they care?
Well, since I’ve got one friend* who is a PITA, I must disagree with this. 
But I do think it’s unlikely that a true PITA is actually going to recommend a restaurant based on the restaurant’s having bent over backwards for them–because they won’t understand that the restaurant bent over backwards for them. That’s why I think it’s not necessarily worth trying to satisfy them when they are your customer.
-FrL-
*weeeellll… not friend per se, but anyway, someone with whom I’m friendly with and who I interact with frequently in social settings.
Yeah, that’s a good point too. I also think people tend to have an exaggerated sense of the value of their own individual patronage. Having a smooth service and getting everything out cleanly and quickly earns a better net value at the end of the night than having to repeatedly disrupt the line for special orders.
No, they really fucking don’t care. Because they’re paying money, in some cases LOTS of money, for someone to cook a meal for them. What, you want people to come to the restaurant and order whatever is easiest to make?
Customer: “Hi, I’d like a glass of water and some uncooked potatoes.”
Server: “Coming right up!”
Customer #2: “Actually, I’ll have that as well.”
Cooks: “Fuck yeah! Turn off the grill, we can go smoke some more weed!”
That’s what would happen in a LOT of restaurants. The weed smoking, I mean. It’s not just an urban myth.
Wow–do the Lactaid pills not work for you?
[/hijack]
The other people whose orders you’re delaying are paying the same amount of money that you are.
The line is set up with the specific ingredients and equipment necessary to accomodate a specific menu. It’s not a question of what’s easiest, it’s a question of what the line is prepared for and how much disruption it causes to make something it was not already set up for.
Back when I worked in a kitchen, we always had some entitled prick that would whine and bitch about an off-menu item or substitution. They were consistently lazy and of average talent at best.
The entitled pricks are the ones who want ever other customer in the restaurant to have to wait longer for their food so they can get a special order.
Now, I’ll concede that many substututions or modifications are minor and don’t cause much disruption, but we aren’t talking about small modifications to regular menu items. We’re talking about people who want to go off the menu completely.