Back in my early 20s, I was a total ass to my best friend from high school. This guy I totally loved like a big brother. To this day, I’d take a bullet for this guy, even though he probably can’t stand me now. I respect that man like few others in theworld and wish there were more people like him for all his integrity, good sense, and human compassion. He was my role model when I was a struggling teen.
Things went sour and it was entirely, 100%, my fault. There were extenuating circumstances (I was going through a really bad time with serious family issues etc. etc. etc), but that doesn’t matter. Extenuating circumstances or not it was totally my fault and I’m still responsible for my own actions. If the guy hates my guts now, that is okay, I accept it and take full responsibility for it. I totally deserve it and if the guy never wants to speak to me again, I totally understand.
But I never had the chance to apologize because we fell out of touch (plus, a dash of me not being able to face him). That always bothered me.
So a couple of years ago, I sent him the most eloquent letter I have ever written in my whole life, to say “I’m sorry” and to thank him for being such a really good influence on me (even in his absence he had a profound effect on my character and the grown-up I became). The letter made my then-girlfriend teary eyed when she read it. He’d been out of my life a decade by then, but it always nagged at me that I never had the chance to apologize and I felt compelled to get back in touch, even if it was just for a “mea culpa”.
I sent it off. I never heard back from him. But that’s okay. I respect his privacy and I’m not going to push it.
But I was wondering if anyone else has any stories of sending an olive branch, or receiving one, rebuffing a grand overture for reconciliation, or being the one brushed off.
Well, my stalker apologized to me a few years after the fact, and I accepted his apology and my opinion of him improved a lot, but I still don’t want to be friends with him or let him know where I live.
He’s apologized to me again more recently and I feel the same way. Okay, I accept the apology, I think he really understands how his behavior was wrong and scary and wishes he could take it all back. Still, I don’t want him to be able to track me down.
As for me, I’ve written several letters to friends where I hadn’t done anything really wrong, but I wish I had appreciated them more when I was young and immature and had poor judgment. At least one friend wrote back and we started communicating again, but not everybody does.
I had a major rift in a longtime relationship with a woman who had been my closest friend since we were teens. About two years went by with no communication between us. Finally I decided that it was time to retrieve our friendship and put the past behind, so I bought two expensive tickets to La Traviata (my friend’s favorite opera) and sent her the tickets on her birthday, along with a note saying that I loved her and wanted to make amends, and hoped that she would enjoy seeing the opera with her daughter.
A few days later, I received an envelope that contained the two tickets, shredded to bits.
I was friends with someone who also used to date my sister. They stopped dated, but were still sometimes friends. I didn’t really worry about their relationship because we didn’t really talk about my sister much. So, we were making plans to go out for a dinner and a movie when I mentioned that I wouldn’t be able to make it until later because I was watching my sister’s baby. He wrote me back, playing the martyr and essentially saying that he was hurt because I didn’t tell him that my sister was pregnant. I told him that I refused to be my sister’s whipping-boy and that he needed to figure out that my sister and I are two different people.
Fast-forward a few months, and I’m feeling like I could have been kinder in saying what I said. I didn’t feel I was wrong – just that I could have been more sensitive to his feelings. So I get ahold of him, and I explain that I was sorry if I had come off as harsh. He was a dick to me and called me bi-polar. I told him that if he ever wanted to contact me, he knew my number.
And I’m still wondering whether to sell the CD he gave me.
Well, this is a depressing thread so far! How 'bout a painful yet *successful *one to change things up a bit?
I received an olive branch from my older brother (step-brother, to be literal, but we’d known each other since my birth and our parents married began living together when I was 6) who had raped me repeatedly as a child and adolescent.
It’d been 15 years since we’d spoken. I’d pretty much avoided our parents, because he lived near them and I was afraid we’d run into each other if I visited them. I only went there 3 times in those 15 years, when I knew he’d be out of town. I met his wife and kids two years prior to the olive branch, and his wife called me one day to say he wanted to speak to me, but wanted my permission first. With grave reservations and heart pounding, I gave it and he called me the next day. Turned out he’d gone through The Landmark Forum (as had his mother/my stepmother years previous, so I was aware of it and mildly interested from her experiences) and gotten the shit scared out of him there. I’ll never forget his words, over and over he just kept repeating, “I did it. I’m responsible for your pain, and I’m so sorry.” I just sat there and cried for a good 15 minutes hearing this before I was able to tell him that even I had been starting to wonder if I had made it all up in my head (the whole family denied it had ever happened.) He started crying, and I cried some more, and he offered to pay for my tuition to The Landmark Forum as restitution. "I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope that someday you can give it, "he said. “I can’t ever make you better, but you can, and I want to make that possible for you.” He did, and I did, and one month later our family had its first Thanksgiving all together in 15 years.
I’ve not talked about it much on here, because I don’t want to feel like I’m shilling, but that experience completely changed my life and who I am as a person. It gave me the gift of forgiveness, and it gave me my family back. And it’s because he cared enough about me to ask for forgiveness when he didn’t deserve it.
I quit smoking cigarettes, and my friend insisted on smoking in my house. I asked her not to do so, and she blew up at me in a spectacular fashion, saying that I was a selfish and rude person and she’d never come to my house again.
Although, mine wasn’t so successful, I do know of a successful olive branch. My co-worker (and good friend) got an email from an ex. It was a strange email, just offering an apology and an explanation for past bad behavior. Keith (my frined) didn’t reall need, expect or care about the apology. It was ancient history the wounds had ong since healed. Keith is married and never really harored any seriously bad feelings about his ex. But he’d grown up a lot and his ex had no relevence to him anymore (which I guess is kind of sad, but it’s true).
The reason I know this is because he knew about the letter I’d sent off to my former best buddy. And he wanted my input.
Eventually, he wrote back and told his ex he appreciated the gesture and the effort she made. That he hadn’t thought ill of her. He gave her a short update about what he’d been doing the past years.
And that seemed to be enough. She sent back a short and relieved email, wished him the best, and he hasn’t heard from her again. But he said her parting email sounded really “unburdened”. So that’s not bad. He got to make someone feel better with little effort, and that actually made him feel kind of good.
I’m gearing up to send an olive branch to my brothers, for issues I prefer not to discuss on a public board. Part of what I’m gearing up on is accepting the (potentially high) probability that they won’t take me up on it. I’ll try to update this thread as things progress.
But I do hope that the outcome won’t be as dramatic as what happened to pinkfreud. You gave it a good try.
No details please, but I have offered the olive branch more than a few times over the years. Most times, the other person just wiped their butt with it and then complained how it wasn’t as soft as ‘Charmin’.
Still, knowing that I stood up and did the right thing made me feel better about it and helped me move beyond it in the long run.
As a teenager, I didn’t get along with my Dad’s wife at all. I mellowed as I aged, and after I got married, the wife and I went for a visit. While there, I cornered her and apologized for being such an asshole as a teen.
Time has gone by, and both my bio parents are gone. Rita is the closest I have to a parent, and we get along quite well these days.
Back when I was in a really bad state and needed help, all my siblings refused me. I somehow managed to get on my own two feet by myself and to hell with them.
Years later my sister sent me a card with an update on everyone in the family. I figured “What The Hell” and answered it. We’ve been writing and e-mailing ever since.
The rest of the family (or, as I call them, those bastards) haven’t been in touch. Screw 'em
I had a spat with one of my best, closest friends and we didn’t speak for nearly a year. I started regretting the loss and considered phoning her up to break the ice. It took me a few weeks to get up the courage, as she’s got a sharp tongue and I didn’t want to be on the receiving end if things didn’t go well.
I finally felt brave enough to phone, and to my great relief she was happy to hear from me and mend the rift and now we’re back on our old footing.
It could easily have gone the other way though. Extending the olive branch can be a scary thing.
About ten years ago, I worked with a woman who had a reputation for being difficult and over-emotional. One day, I stupidly yielded to peer pressure (mind you, the peers and I were all well over 30) and made a snide, rude comment about her when she was in the room. I was wrong. It was stupid and very much against my beliefs, but I did do it. It took me several months and a church retreat, but I finally got up the nerve to apologize to her and tell her I never should have done such a thing. Not only did she accept my apology without the fireworks or recriminations I expected, we became friends of a sort.
I offered an ex-friend an olive branch once and he looked at me and said “What the hell are you waving that stick in my face for, you freak?” Needless to say we never made up.
