It’s my new job. Everyone’s so goddamned chipper and all “Hi!” with big smiles 'n shit in the hallways. It’s just… ugh. Who the fuck is in such a good mood all the time, anyhow?
Seriously.
Careful, it might be a front for a cult group. Is it the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?
Jim {Did you perhaps join Apple?}
Bite me.
Feel better?
You should start drinking the office coffee.
Heh. It kind of feels that way.
That’s more like it 
Oh oh! It’s Tuesday, and someone still has a case of the Mondays!
Whaddaya expect when you take a job at Stepford Industries?
You mean cool aid?
Have you ever watched “Dead Like Me”. You might like it. In one of the ongoing subplots of the show the main character has to deal with working at such a place.
You can rent the show from NetFlix or catch it on the Sci-Fi channel now.
Watch out for the Cool-Aid or Flavor-Aid, that is the final drink. The coffee will do the trick to get you ready for the latter.
Jim
What ever you do, don’t kill one. It just starts a viscious cycle - you know, you kill one of the “chipper ones” and it makes you smile. Just for an instant. In that instant somebody sees you smile, thinks you’re one of Them and offs you. The sight of your bloody, lifeless corpse brings a smile to their face. Just for an instant…
Do people come out of the boss’ office smiling? Is your boss the only one whose smile is a little … different? Is there a room in the building no one admits to knowing the contents of because it is strictly off-limits? If so, you need to get up really, really slowly, smile, and make your way calmly and rationally to the door. Once outside of the building, run like your ass is a sandwich and you’re being chased by Kate Moss. Do not look back. Ever.
“That’s ‘What is a cocaine sandwich,’ Alex.”
Sailboat
How do you think I ended up here???
I’ve got to break the cycle, man.
Next person that says hi gets a kick to the balls/boobs.
That aught to end THAT nonsense!
My workplace is really friendly, too. I pulled that maneuver, now I get to gripe and bitch whenever I want. People COWER before the might of My Right Foot.
Maybe you should mention your plans for world domination . That should cut down on the chit-chat.
I’m sorry. That was a little dated. I’d like to amend that with “run like there’s a Coke-line down your ass crack and you’re being chased by Kate Moss.”
Of course, that could be applied to any number of celebs.
The only way is to out-creep them. As you wander around the office during the day, occasionally mingling with your cow-orkers, drop disturbing little comments into your smalltalk. Stuff like:
“Hey, I saw your wife last night. You have a lovely home – what I could see from outside, anyway.”
“Say, what’s your waist size?”
“I collect animal skulls. Just a little thing I picked up hunting. That’s a nice hat. Size three?”
“Would you like some coffee? I made it special, just for you.”
“If they take my stapler again, I’ll set the building on fire.”
See how long it takes before people either A) stop smiling, and/or B) start avoiding you.
Two words: close talker
Stop showering. That ought to fix your problem.
Be sure to start your sentences with “Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”, using your diaphragm to draw in and expel as much air as possible when close talking.
Feel free to pet whatever they’re wearing and comment on how cheap it feels.