My Title Is Senior Representative, Not Shell Answer Woman.

The BBQ Pit
1

I get promoted to Senior Fraud Representative. More money and assigned off the phone time. (the best benefit of all)

Every month I get between 5-10 lovely Excel spreadsheets full of accounts to analyze. High losses, touched multiple times by other reps. I autopsy them, breaking down what happened and where the fraud could have been stopped, then suggesting system upgrades/refresher training/anything to make the bleeding stop. On average, I do 20 accounts a month. It has to be done ASAP so I am not to be disturbed. This goes to the mystical men in suits so it has to be perfect.

Being idealistic, I figured a sign stating in big letters “On a Project. Please Do Not Disturb” hanging on my cube, plus the headset playing music and the glare as I stare intently at the monitor, making notes without looking down would be enough clues to others to oh, leave me the fuck alone. I was wrong.

Contestant Number One

Man across the aisle, species Offendus BodySoundium. I have never heard one human make so many gross noises. [ul]
[li]Farting[/li][li]Belching[/li][li]Throat Clearing with Bonus Hacking of Lung Cookies[/li][li]Mouthbreathing[/li][li]Tooth Sucking[/li][li]Hoarking Snot (Why blow your nose when you can inhale and swallow?[/li][/ul]

When I have a fecking Walkman on and can hear you still, something is wrong. Go see a doctor. Line your orifices with soundproof paneling and cotton balls, just stop sharing your miscellaneous noises. And for the love of Jebus, stop looking at what you do manage to hack/blow out! What do you expect, cash and prizes? Has anything besides mucus come out? Ever?

Contestant Number Two

The Girl Who Can’t Figure Out Anything Remotely Technical. If there are any problems with anything, from the stapler to the elevator, she comes to me. “hardy, the printer isn’t working, can YOU fix it?” Does she look at the handy dandy lcd monitor? No, because hardy can magically determine the problem from her desk. And god forbid the printer need paper. It’s amusing to watch her try to figure out how to do it, kind of like giving a monkey a Rubik’s Cube. They have no clue but make the cutest faces trying, goshdarnit. She actually asked me today to reset her password. Why call Tech Support? Hardy has magical powers!

Contestant Number Three

The Person Who Cannot Get To The Fucking Point Without A Firm Kick In The Ass. My personal favorite. :rolleyes: It’s bad enough you’re interrupting me when I have to get my stuff done, but get to the fucking point, ok? Don’t come up to me and say “Umm, I have this account,umm the card is blue, ummm the customer’s name is Spanky McSpankerton,
umm he’s allergic to celery…”. Just say what the problem is! How difficult is to say “I have an account and the problem is ___?” Don’t spin me a fable while I get a GPS to locate the point and the approximate ETA of you getting anywhere near it. My roots are growing in while you talk.
I should have asked for permission to whack people with a Whiffle Ball bat when I got promoted. No face shots, just warning blows to the ass. I can edit the sign to read “Offenders will Get One Warning, Then POW”. The thought of that is the only thing keeping me from writing “Fuckwaffle” on their foreheads in White-Out or changing their screensavers to say “Clownhumpers RULE!”

I love my job, I love my job…

2

Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch…

You just like being the center of attention, don’t you?

3

No, I like getting my job done. I’m odd that way. Doesn’t help I have my department head asking for status updates every half hour. Hard to explain that you are behind because Cyndi got caught in the auto-stapler AGAIN.

4

I’m in the office late again while the big boys figure out the latest bid, and I feel like a dweeb because they can hear me out here trying like hell to stifle hysterical laughter. I’m wit’cha…and boy do I get it.
According to all reports, every administrative assistant (glorified office bitch) they had before me was a certified tree dwellin’ crap flinger. I show up, and I guess the good news is, that they think I am a brilliant GENIUS sent from the promised land. The bad news is that they’ve gotten really lazy and will not think for themselves any longer. (It must be much too painful.) God forbid you are already working on a bizillion other projects that all have to be done RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW, some of them actually have the balls to be flip or angry if they have to answer the freakin’ phone once because you already have FIVE other lines going, and the one line that prevents you from answering the sixth is the actual OWNER of the company.
I’m glad to see that you got promoted. Apparent competence should be rewarded, and the rest of 'em should be left to wonder how the little guy in the computer processes their emails to the Britney Spears Fan Club so fast, or just what the hell was it they ate that makes their eyes water when they fart…

5

Wow!

I have a job interview tomorrow morning, and now I have this insane urge to write “Fuckwaffle” across my forehead in White-Out. Just to see what they’d say…

Must ignore brain. Must ignore brain.

6

PC Loadletter? What the fuck does THAT mean?

7

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…I’d be assdeep in pictures of Jefferson.
So far, I have restrained myself from answering the question “What does ‘low toner’ mean?” with “Take the cartridge out, point towards your face and shake it like Ricky Martin on crank”. So far…

8

What you need is a taser, a LARGE sign that says “If you annoy me without good reason you WILL be zapped!”, and an unending supply of batteries. If tasers RUN on batteries, that is.

Truly, you would be doing it for their own good.

9

OMG!! Spanky McSpankerton!!!:eek:

You must tell me where he is. I must know now!! Do not delay you officious little tart. I am not scared of your whiffle bat.

Smack! “Ouch” …Hey that hurt!! That’s gonna leave a bruise you liitle tart!!

Smack! I will endure your casual brutality little woman, because in the end the Spankster will be mine!

Hooorrrrkkkkkkkk!!! Snnnuuuurrrrrfffff!!!BLLLAAATTTTT!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!

10

Are you sure we don’t work at the same place? I swear this guy sits right across from me.

That’s right, dear. Repeat over and over ad nauseum. Eventually you might become like me and actually believe it.

11

Once again Hardy, you are my sister in call-centery.

I go through the exact same thing as you (I have to do Call Center Recap reports, cost per call breakdowns, payroll…that sort of thing and the window between the time I get the raw data and the time I have to submit the processed data is pretty damn small.)

I’ve never put a “Do not disturb” sing up but I’ve made it clear that since I only have a 6 hour window to do payroll, don’t disturb me when I’m doing it if you want to get paid.

Anyway. you missed one (closely related to your #3)

There’s the employee who feels like just chatting, but makes it sound business related so you can’t quite throw them out.

“Hi Fenris. Are you busy?”

Me: “I’m doing payroll and it has to be in in” checks watch “2 hours.”

“Well, I’ll be quick then. My daughter…you know my daughter, Twyla…I brought her to work on Bring Her To Work Day…she’s going to be in the school play this Thursday…” (“Great”, Thinks I “She needs Thursday off. I can do that. Then I can get back to doing payroll so she can get paid” No such luck ")…Well, when we went to put her costume on her…she’s going to be one of Little Bo Peep’s sheep. She got the coveted role of ‘second sheep’! …anyway, when we put her costume on…it’s a sheep suit…we noticed that she had a thing…like a pimple…on her knee. We were planning to take her to the doctor’s next Tuesday ("So you need Thursday and Tuesday off. FINE!)…Anyway, my mom’s going to be going with us so I need to pick her up from the airport on Monday. (“So you need Thursday and Tuesday off AND MONDAY off! FINE!). Mom promised little Twyla that she’d make her famous peanut butter and jelly casserole after the doctor’s appointment. Twyla and I just love her famous peanut butter and jelly casserole”

She waits expectantly.

Me: “So…do you need any time off for this?”

Her: “No…I just thought you’d want to know.”

:: Thumps head on desk ::

I’ve always tried to have an open-door policy but this sort of person makes me want to close the door on their head.

I’m fine with being friendly with employees and co-workers…BUT NOT DURING THIS ONE PERIOD DURING THE MONTH.

12

Oh, take a Midol and go to bed.

13

Being friendly with employees and co-workers is overrated.

14

splort. :smiley:

15

I have developed my own theory on this. I don’t think “being friendly,” per se, is overrated. But a lot of people think this entails forming some sort of deeper relationship: going out to lunch with people, hanging out with certain groups, etc. Inevitably in such situations, you become part of a certain clique. At my current job I have avoided being anything more than superficially friendly with anyone. The result? I am a neutral third party, like Switzerland. Nobody tries to “get me on their side,” nobody confides in me, nobody talks to me about anything important that is not work related.
As a result, I leave for home every Friday and don’t even think about my job again until Sunday night. It’s a great feeling.

16

Heyyyyy… do you work with me? I’m staring at get-to-the-freakin’-point-girl right now!

If your sitting at the desk next to me, say, “Lemondrop!” as a secret code word.

17

I’ll grant you bullets 1-3, 5, and 6, but what’s the big deal about mouthbreathing?

I mean, mouth … nose … what’s the difference?

18

What about the Person who is Genetically Incapable of Screening Calls? My paralegal also answers my phone (since the county is too f’in’ cheap to fund a secretary and a paralegal). Despite my having insrtucted him a million times on how to screen a call, a typical conversation goes something like this:

Paralegal: Freddy Felon is on line one.
Katie: Do we represent him?
P: I don’t know.
K: What does he need?
P: I don’t know.
K: I’m in the middle of something (probably a brief that has to be filed in an hour). Is this something you can handle?
P: I don’t know.

 So, I usually wind up taking the call, in case it's someone who has just committed a murder and is holding the bloody murder weapon  and wondering what to do with it.  It never is, though- it's usually someone wanting to know "How do I get a public defender" or "when is my court date" or any number of questions that P could have answered WITHOUT bugging me about  it.
19

Well, wouldn’t that mean that you were Offendus Bodysoundium guy?

One of my prized possessions is a Sylvia cartoon. She’s sitting at her desk typing something. It says:

I will be more patient with my co-workers (that’s crossed out)
I will try to put up with the incompetent morons I’m forced to work with (that’s crossed out)
I will try not to slap anybody first thing in the morning.

20

Of course, the problem is, cordial got replaced with friendly somewhere down the line. Going to lunch with my coworkers does not make me a “team player”…getting my projects done on time and keeping any pertinent supervisors and coworkers apprised is.