One of my friends put a shirt and pair of pants on his front sidewalk so it looked like he was raptured.
Another said that he filled up his car at a convenience store and when he got home his wallet had been raptured. (Maybe it was a Cross?) He figures he is on the standby rapture list and they need his wallet to pre-authorize and confirm his ID.
I’m not here.
But that’s OK.
I was never here…
I prayed very fervently that our new governor would be taken up to heaven but I don’t think it happened. Now I’m fervently praying that he be sent elsewhere.
Or is that all here? 
I’m here and so are my parrots, but then if we’d gone up to Heaven we’d spoil the tone of the place. The only strange thing I noticed Sunday morning was that there was an unusually large number of goldfinches in the area, so maybe God finds their incessant warbling and whimpering annoying.
I did hear a couple earthquake noises yesterday but I think it was a neighbor trying to freak the rest of us out by turning up the bass full blast on his car stereo.
Yesterday afternoon I was with a friend who told me that if I was Raptured she was moving into my house. I replied that the only way I would get Raptured would be if there was a serious clerical error somewhere.
I see what you did there.
Hey, some of the branches of Eastern Orthodoxy still use the Julian Calendar (or “Old Style”) instead of the globally widespread Gregorian.
Yesterday, Saturday, was only May 8th according to the Julian.
You don’t suppose…***
You can’t get there from here.
I bet a lot of Homer Simpsons are going D’oh about now.
Some of those rapture folks gave away everything. Quit jobs. Blew their savings. Left their apartments. They are screwed now.
I can imagine the phone calls. Can I have my sofa back? Please? My plates and silverware, do you still have it? My dog can I get him back. 
must be some interesting conversations.
Nah, Rapturers are like Birthers. They’re going to be True Believers no matter the evidence to the contrary and have already started coming up with excuses.