There will ALWAYS be one more egg…somewhere. And that will be the last shot of the film.
Every Asian person knows martial arts.
Every…
Single…
One…
(I’m waiting for a comedy where an Asian baby gets out of the crib and starts whaling on the bad guy a la Jackie Chan. Or has someone already done that?)
Any movie set in a small rural town will portray the following:
-
People drive clunker cars, at least 20 years old;
-
The mayor of town is either:
a) a complete buffoon; or
b) the bad guy and the richest man in town, controlling every single aspect of business/law enforcement (except one deputy, who will help the hero), knowing everybody’s secrets; or
c) is in the pocket of the richest man in town, who (see above…) -
Sheriff is serving the bad guy OR will not believe any story or piece of evidence brought to him by the hero (no matter how cristalline), untill 5 minutes before the end;
-
The hero (male or female) is always some character that no one respects (untill 5 minutes before the end), either because they are a child/cooky/weird/new in town or their reputation has been sullied years ago, but the townfolk never forgave/forgot;
-
The heroe’s sidekick is worse than above, but with a hart of gold and a knack for witnessing crucial plot points and showing up in the darndest places at just the right time. He will help save the day, even if we latter learn that he was actually dead and never existed, except for the hero;
-
The whole town will suddenly rally behind the hero, getting organised and efficient just when it counts.
I know its a long post but its a great thread and I felt like venting.
P.S. In ALL movies, no matter how intelligent the character is supposed to be, they always pick up the bloody knife/gun, or accept face to face meetings with some bad guy in a lonely, remote place then procced to threaten them with what they know, etc… PLEASE STOP doing that!!!
Ok, I’m done, thanks to all.
Invaribaly, bad guys using automatic weapons neglect to lead their fire when shooting at a moving target. This is especially noticable when the hero(s) is/are running in a straight line, are above the attackers, for example running along a catwalk while being fired upon from below, and are being fired upon by multiple attackers.
…as well as any shrapnel, bricks, spacecraft shards, secondary “cook-off” explosions, pieces of Soviet-built tanks, or other solid objects that will (under normal circumstances) put a horrendous crimp in your plans for the evening.
Most movie computers run on JBOS, the James Bond Operating System. Here are some identifying features:
All systems have improbably flashy graphics and fast network connections.
This includes longwinded 3d-navigation and transitions which would get tiresome within an hour.
Mouse use is forbhidden, even though the system is clearly graphic. All commands must be entered through frenetic typing.
An ingenious blind input system doesn’t show onscreen what is being typed, only the end results.
If the system belongs to a company or an organisation, the logo is prominently featured onscreen. These days, it usually spins around as well.
Users are often prompted for passwords, but never for a user name.
Bypassing system security is a matter of a few keypresses.
Blocking hackers from attacking your system looks much like playing a shoot-'em-up game.
Anything important is displayed in 48-point type.
But since movie audiences don’t read anyway, gratuitous speech synthesis is included.
Digital photographs have indefinate resolution, and can be zoomed into as deep as you please.
JBOS systems often require no power cords. Check it out next time you see the back of a movie computer.
In a movie has a handicapped person and one that isn’t, the handicapped person is ALWAYS good, and the one that isn’t is ALWAYS bad.
Hookers always have a heart of gold, but never a drug problem or AIDS or any STD. And usually end up marrying the hero.
All pimps are black, beat their hookers, and dress like pimps.
If anyone turns on the TV or radio, the news story that immediately comes on concerns the plot of the movie.
If you break down a door, there is always a dead body behind it.
The good guys never run out of ammunition.
All cops drive old, beat up 70’s gas guzzlers, but never have to buy gasoline. Parking, too is never a problem.
It’s possible to drive an automobile several hundred feet through the air, crashing down on the pavement without anything other than minor damage and loss of hubcaps.
Exact change is never required at a restaurant or diner, since the meal always comes out exactly to even numbers.
Seedy bars routinely hand out beers and drinks to strangers, expecting no money in return.
Phone lines are never busy, everyone answers on the first ring, unless the hero is sleeping with his client, which requires him to rub his eyes and sigh while deciding whether to answer or not. Invariably requires coming into work. Caller ID hasn’t been invented yet, and no one ever thinks to leave it off the hook.
If a woman goes into another room to change clothes, there is always a mirror where you can watch, or else there will be a very defined sihlouette.
Anyone can cook a gourmet dinner in under 5 minutes.
Kids in movies don’t watch TV, unless it’s a horror film, then the kids are watching a horror film too.
Parents don’t mind when the babysitter invites all her friends over as soon as they leave.
If you smoke, you must be the villian, or the villan’s underling.
No one ever gets lost driving in previously unknown cities.
Cars never run out of gas, unless it’s dark, and you are on a dirt road.
The clarity on cell phones are crystal clear, no matter where you are.
You can crack any password in about 5 tries.
Dogs always know if you are an alien or a villian
One bag of groceries(with, of course, carrots and french bread) can feed a family of four for weeks.
In space movies, if you are alone in the escape/exploration pod, you will lose contact with the ship and crash, usually into an alternate universe.
To bring someone out of a coma, just talk to them and cry a little.
Something always happens on the night of your wedding anniversary.
Everyone knows how to operate heavy machinery, and the keys are always in it.
Everyone in the ghetto knows how to hotwire a car.
Patrolmen like donuts - detectives like gourmet food.
Lab experiments only go “horribly wrong” after hours when the only person present is the night security guard.
Energy weapons always have a recoil.
No matter how fast it flys or what maneuvers it performs, the main characters can maintain their hold on the landing skid of a helicopter. The evil henchmen, though, cannot.
If you are a male, and you are with a female, and you are about to go into a dangerous situation of any kind, you will say to said female “You’d better stay here,” to which she will respond “No! I’m coming with you!”
Whenever several people are talking all at once, creating an atmosphere of “chaos”, one person will stand up on a chair or a desk and yell “QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!” immediately silencing everyone in attendance.
I believe this is known as “Coyote’s Law” (as in Wile E.).
Yours,
cuautemhoc, LC’97
If you are drafted and have to fight a war in a movie look at your squad or squadron.
If you are the youngest/nicest guy around, if you look up to soome other guy like a big brother, if you recently recieved mail from your mom or ‘best’ (and only) girl, if you are ever refered to as the squad ‘mascot’, you are totally screwed.
If the movie involves the military, cops, gangsters, or really just about any group of men, those men will operate by a Code. One will break the Code, and will have to be killed/sent to jail, even if he is generally a good guy.
Women can only form emotional bonds with each other if one of them or a mutual friend/family member has a terminal illness.
If a white guy and a black guy are detectives/partners, a phenomenon known as “BKI” may apply. (Brother Killed Immediately; if applicable, the partners death will be avenged at the end of the movie by especially gruesome means.
Helicopters have a special “hush” mode which allows passengers to talk in normal conversational tones, but requires the pilot/co-pilot to yell or scream into their headsets. All helicopters sound like a huey, (whop-whop-whop) regardless of manufacturer or number of blades.
All serious family disputes can be solved in one hour or less, to the satisfaction of everyone involved.
How do you explain Unbreakable?
Family pets are marked animals. They must die gruesomely before the problems in your life are resolved. See rabbit, Basic Instinct.
No, sorry, that’s wrong. See rabbit, Fatal Attraction.
Something I learned from the new Planet of the Apes (though you see it in other movies): A human body can take an ENORMOUS amount of punishment. “Space man” Leo gets struck by an ape hard enough to throw him back fifteen feet or more, yet he apparently suffers no broken bones. Such a blow should have broken whatever bone was struck (and it was unclear where he was hit, since we saw it from behind him).