Sorry if you have seen these before.
With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy, and SAFE!! …
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
- As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
- If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just GET THE HELL OUT!
- Never take ANYTHING from the dead.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
- If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize that one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- Beware of strangers bearing tools, for example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
- When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
- If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think it’s strange you ran out of gas because you thought you just had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!