Evil bitch learn to drive!

The BBQ Pit
1

The speed limit is 55, the road has moderate curves.
You desire to travel at 35 miles per hour.
No passing lane in sight and it is all double yellow lines.
You are an agent of Satan.
Because of you,
Evil is not growing in the hearts of all those stuck behind you Delta 88.
We the helpless, gaze upon your blue hair peeking over the drivers seat and become enraged.

Because of you we shall finish our journeys and spread the evil.

We shall kick puppies
We shall steal candy from babies
We shall be snarky and rude to all those around us.

When you drop your speed to 25 mph at the sight of on coming traffic you add fuel to the fire in our black hearts.

22 miles now and your mission is complete we are mad, cussing, and have resorted to our most primal and base natures.

A passing lane in the distance,
We chop at the bit, counting the seconds we can slam the gas pedal and finally be along our way.

We who are Legion pass you.
We Howl in rage and offer gestures not normally for those of your advanced age.

With one last twist to fan the flames higher…

Your talking on a fucking cellphone.

2

those double yellow lines are just suggestions…

3

Yeah, so’s that “Homicide is A Bad Thing” bit, but the folks suggesting it tend to do so very convincingly, 'round here.

4

The highway I travel every day must have the world’s highest percentage of people who drive 45 MPH and below in a 55 zone. It drives me batshit. Maybe its just me, but if I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a long line of cars behind me with drivers ducking in and out of the lane trying to find an opprotunity to pass me, I might consider that I’m going too slow.

45 MPH is bad, but for the life of me, I can’t understand those that drive at 30 MPH or less on a fucking highway that’s as straight as an arrow! Surely, they must realize that they are inconveniencing the forty or so drivers who are packed bumper-to-bumper behind them? Does it not occur to them to care? What’s most amazing is that a lot of them are not seniors, so don’t even have the excuse of age and poor reflexes. All I can do is putter along behind them, fuming, and silently wishing that I could install a cannon on the hood of my car for just such circumstances.

5

Depends on your state I think, Quadgop. Here in VT they’re suggestions, but I’m fairly sure that in other states you can get pulled over for crossing the double yellow lines.

6

I think there’s a related gang in Maine, because I get stuck behind them all the time. But they have and even more sadistic twist to their methods.

Around curves, up hills and when oncoming traffic is present … 10 miles below the limit. As soon as it becomes safe to pass … 5 miles over the limit.

I call them The Evil Nervous Driver gang.

7

They’re just as bad in…rural Louisiana, Mississippi and definitely Tennessee, though we’re thinking about exporting the Tennessee ones to Alabama, since we know that Osip enjoys them ever so much. And we want to be more like Georgia.

8

Boy, do I wish I were where you were. Here in New Jersey, it’s just the exact opposite.

If you’re at a light and it changes green , you had better already be moving when it changes or they will honk at you. And you’d better be going 60 within 10 feet.

If you’re slowing down to turn left at one of New Jersey’s few places where you CAN turn left, they will honk at you, flash their lights and pass you on the right, even if there is nothing but a sidewalk filled with screaming pedestrians.

If there is someone turning to the right in front of them, they will pull over into YOUR driving lane forcing you to either hit your brakes or hit the ditch to get out of their way.

If you’re driving down the Interstate at the speed limit of 65… AND PASSING PEOPLE…they will tailgate you close enough to see the blood pulsing in their eyes, honking at you, flashing their lights, expecting you to, I dunno…drive into the ditch to get out of their way?

Welcome to New Jersey, where the entire idea of traffic safety is: Here I come, get out of my way.

Or more properly:

Here I come, geddoudda mu way, you fukin IDJIT!!

9

A blue hair on a cell phone. What hell hath released upon us.

Highway 61, North Shore of Superior, butttnuggets go under the speed limit until the passing lanes, at wich point they attempt to break the land speed record. Once the passing lane ends, they drop back to .0002 mph.

10

I need to move to New Jersy then.

Excellent rant.

I’d add more but the drive into work today pissed me off too much.

11

The best I’ve ever seen was in Pensacola, FL. On one of the busiest roads, someone missed their turn, so they decided that the “smart” thing to do was to put their car in reverse and back up to their turn. It’s amazing that there wasn’t a pileup.

12

Fee, fee, fi, fi, fo-fo, fum
Look at Molly now, here she comes
Wearin’ blue hair and shades to match
She’s driving a Delta 88 and won’t drive fast
down a two lane highway and no one can pass
She’s go Osip and everyone wanting to do evil things
She’s the devil with the blue hair, blue hair, blue hair,
Devil with the blue hair on

13

Aside from the blue hair, you just described 90% of the people who drive in Vancouver and its suburbs.

Most people drive 70 kph while talking on their cell phones all the time, no matter what the posted limit is…

14

Toaster52, was that YOU doing 55 in the left lane of the Turnpike? If it was, let me refresh your memory: the left lane is the PASSING lane. In NJ, you’re not even supposed to be in it UNLESS YOU’RE FREAKIN’ PASSING SOMEBODY. And as the Sweetheart I’m refering to was well aware, he/she wasn’t passing ANYBODY!!!
Now don’t get me wrong, there IS a place on the Turnpike for people who drive Exactly 55. I like to call it “The Right-Hand Lane”. Sure, there are trucks in it, but they drive the same speed as you, so what’s your beef???
Now, we’re all driving faster than you (now that 65 has been passed), so maybe we’ll all get tickets. And we’ll deal when the time comes; tickets are what cops do. But YOU’RE not a cop. You’re not even Hall Safety Monitor. And Intentionally Driving Slowly in the left lane, whether you like to admit it or not Is Road Rage. Passive-Aggressive yes, but it is Still Road Rage.
The people who do this really need to really ask themselves why they need to be in total control of not only their vehicle, but of every other person’s vehicle on the road…

15

Yup, those wonderful Minnesota Drivers, NurseCarmen.

Drive under the speed limit while no one can pass, jump up to 70 the minute someone can. Damn you, but Thou Shalt Not Pass ME!!! Some of those people have chased me into gas stations to scream at me for passing them. Most look terminally embarassed, then vengefully dismissive when I notify them of the correct speed limit.

Then in the twin cities, we have Hwy 81 north of 694, Hwy 55 through Golden Valley and Cedar Avenue south of 42 in Apple Valley. All 50 mph zones or better, but I’d put money on there being some complete asshole in the left lane driving 30-35.

Then there was the guy driving 25 mph on 694 (60 mph zone) during a minor sleet storm in the middle of the afternoon. He had the balls to speed up, flip me off and scream at me because I was crazy enough to pass him at all of 35mph. Yes, he must truly believe that God Himself told him what the correct speed to drive was, and all who go faster are dangerously insane blasphemers.

16

Heh heh heh.

I used to live on a residential road that was approximately 4 or 5 miles long with no stop signs…and a 25 mph speed limit. Of course, since it’s a residential road, it’s double yellow lines all the way. Apparently God had informed these people that it’s okay to drive the entire length of road at 50.

I used to enjoy going exactly 25 and watching the jerks behind me slowly flip out.

17

MD, sometimes you need to make the drivers behind you take their time. Hell, I’ve done it myself on very special occasions.
On one such occasion, Slow Driver was doing 25-30 on a 45mph road. I’d already been behind Slow Driver for 10 miles because oncoming traffic blocked every passing area (the bastards!).

Slow Driver was yapping on her cell phone the entire way.

Just as Slow Driver begins to speed up (almost 35 now!) I manage to pass in a highly illegal manouver (it was a safe move, just illegal on a couple counts). Once I went around the next curve and Slow Driver was out of sight, the Diabolical Plan hit me.

I slowed down. To 20. I made Slow Driver follow me at exactly 20 miles per hour for the next seven miles. No side routes and only one (legal) passing spot. When Slow Driver tried to pass, I blocked.

Going only 20mph, I had a lot of time to watch Slow Driver in my mirror. She was positively fuming!

It was glorious.
I was quite late to work that day, but when I told my tale my boss decided I was late with a good cause.
Anybody know where I can buy an Opponent Repulsificator package for my car? Pep Boys doesn’t carry it.

18

The fuck? I can just see this scene in my mind.

Idiot Driver: (after pulling into the gas station behind Chimera) How dare you pass me!

Chimera: Ummm…you were doing twenty in a fifty zone, bud. And it was not illegal for me to pass you.

ID: You passed me on the road!

Chimera: And…? (by now, is looking perplexed at this raging, hysterical moron with a cell phone surgically attached to the ear)

ID: YOU COULD HAVE KILLED MY CHILDREN WITH YOUR DRIVING, ASSHOLE!

Chimera: Asshole? Me? I’ll have you know that you are the one who was driving like a jackass. I was in the right to pass you. And furthermore, I can spot the difference between a vehicle and a phone booth, fucker. (as ID sputters incoherently in rage, hysteria, and embarrassment) So listen up, buddy. If I were you, I’d beat it now. Or you, my friend, will discover the joys of having a nine iron shoved down your throat. And a maggot infested, rotting, spiny, prickly pear cactus shoved up your ass.

ID jumps into car and drives off, blustering a weak and pathetic “Fuck you!” as they roar off. Chimera smiles pleasantly, and waves after ID.

Chimera: Not under threat of death by barbecue forks.

Fade to black

Is that kinda how it went?

Wow. Being chased into gas stations for passing someone. :wally

19

I prefer a vaporizing death ray. It leaves no debris to cause further problems. Just vaporizes the automobile and occupants leaving hardly and ash. Much cleaner.

20

I’m guilty of this. I’m always driving under the speed limit. There is a lot of wildlife where I live and I couldn’t bear it if I hit an animal by not being able to stop in time.

BUT, I always, always pull over to let faster moving cars pass by.