I don’t think so. She advocates eating better, too. As opposed to not eating at all…
Isn’t there some list somewhere giving out the calories burned through daily acts, like using a typewriter, which would now be a computer, cooking a meal, doing dishes and cleaning house? I recall very dimly about coming across such a list in the pre-computer days of old.
The only absolutely fastest way to dispose of calories and loose weight that I can think of is to stick your finger in a live electrical socket. That will convulse all of your muscles at once and if it doesn’t kill you, you’ll burn off a whole lot of calories, along with your finger tip, probably some hair,… you might need someone to turn off the power when you start to smolder, …maybe that’s a bad idea after all.
One way is to eat a large green salad before each meal. The fresh vegetables will do you good, the roughage will push everything through really quickly giving it a little less time to absorb, and unless you load it up with lots of dressing, will have about as many calories as a slice of bread. A whole head of lettuce is only about 65 calories and with celery, you spend more calories eating the stuff than it has!
By the time you finish your salad, you’ve taken up a lot of room in your stomach, so you will eat considerably less of your main meal.
Another way is juicing. Buy a vegetable juicer (cheap at Kmart and Walmart), some books on juicing, ignore a lot of the ‘health tonic’ stuff and go right to the tasty recipes and calorie listings. Then, juice around a quart of whatever mix you like, which will take you time to figure out and you can experiment, add around 2 sloppy tablespoons of lemon juice to the mix (so it will keep in the refrigerator or thermos without going bad or turning brown for around 24 hours) and drink large quantities of it.
Uh, you’ll have to get used to the ‘earthy’ smell and flavor and be very, very sparing with garlic, ginger, onion and – yuck – cilantro.
Juicing alone is good for you and low in calories. Some combinations seem to actually increase your metabolism to burn off calories. Combine it with the previously mentioned dietary suggestion and you’ll drop weight. Plus, you will have major amounts of vegetable and fruit pulp to add to foods for vitamins, flavor, thickening, and even, in the case of fruit pulp, to turn into tasty desserts.
The only pain in the ass stuff is cleaning the veggies beforehand, removing the carrot greens (I understand that their actually mildly poisonous) and washing the juicer afterwards.
A handy tip here; if your veggies like celery, carrots and parsley wilt, soak them in water in the fridge for a few hours and they perk up. Adding salt to vegetable juice makes it taste better.
Oh, also go easy on fats. They’re pure calories ranging from 80 to 100 calories a teaspoon. Fats can pound on the weight probably faster than candy.
YWalker: consider the ankle/wrist weight suggestion retracted.
Fenris: another thought occured to me on the advantages of a health club: sauna, steam and whirlpool. Initially, your body won’t care for you much when you begin exercising, but a little heat will help take the edge off.
Just make sure that you don’t overdo it.
How about using a bicycle for some of your errands or even for occasional commuting? If you replace a 20-minute car trip with a 30-minute bike ride, you get 30 minutes of excercise for only 10 minutes of your time. And it won’t be just an excercise, you’d be doing something useful.
In my experience, nothing will burn up the calories better than an elliptical trainer. Low impact at its best. It looks like nothing when you see people on one. But when you step onto it and start going, you will see…The good ones are damned expensive though. 20 minutes on one of those a day will do a body good.
[slight hijack] elliptical trainers hurt my knees - and i think it might be because they cut my stride by a huge, huge amount - anyone knows what may be done about it?[/slight hijack]
Anyway, I haven’t tried it, nor do I quite believe in it, but I’ve been hearing amazing things about superslow lifting. Supposedly, you do 1 set of a bunch of exercises 1 day a week. It involves a gym (for some of the exercise) but you’re in and out in no time at all. The proponents claim that if you do this, you don’t need to do anything aerobic (in fact, according to them, aerobic exercise is bad for you), nor do you need to do any additional weightlifting. People are supposedly getting amazing results from this.
website - http://www.superslow.com
Okay I also HATEHATEHATE exercise. Seriously. It reminds me of physical therapy, which I’ve spent WAY too many hours of my life in already. Love your channeling of Dr. Suess.
So, these are some I can stand. The only equipment needed is a sturdy chair or firm couch.
First stretch. Get on the floor.
Then, lay on your back with your knees bent at a 90 degree angle over a couch or chair, and put your arms back, bent elbows, fingers locked behind your head.
Using your muscles, pull your head off of the floor toward your knees. Use your stomach muscles. Hold. go back to the floor. You should feel some pulling. If you don’t, you will the next day. Do a bunch of those. Don’t strain your neck muscles or use them; you will hurt your neck. This ex helps you get some control on your tum muscles. Nice and tight. Get all advanced, and tilt your right elbow toward your left knee, back to flat, and then your left elbow toward your right knee. Magically Ab-licious.
Afterward it feels pretty good to stretch out on the floor and just rest. Check out what’s hiding under the couch.
Next, just do the pelvic thrust. 
Seriously, it’s a legit exercise. Lay flat, bend your knees, feet flat on floor, arms by sides. Now, do the pelvic thrust, slowly, all the way up, lifting your butt off of the floor. Squeeze all those muscles when you do it. Ahh. Lower your butt slowly to the floor. Do a bunch of times. It’s good for your booty muscles, and if you tighten them, it’s good for tum muscles too. Probably some others. And, it’s kinda sorta fun, with the right mindset. Like for a dude, you could be practicing having upside down sex with a contortionist chick dangling from one of those ceiling ribbon things. 
Best of luck from a fellow exercise hater…
Pink
Who is not responsible for any injuries you get from these exercises or any sex you have with contortionists.
Get a full-time/part-time job in the Construction biz. Then you get paid to work out.
Now that I think about it, I believe the best tip was spray-painted on a barrier wall on the road to Piancavallo, a ski resort just to the north of Aviano AB, in Italy. The words are permanently etched in my mind, in the day-glo orange paint on gray concrete:
“Eat a carrot, you fat bastard.”
Seems to work for me 
Now, I’m only a pudgy bastard.
Whatever exercise you end up doing, you may want to look into a heart-rate monitor and periodization of your workouts. Periodization and working in different intensity zones will produce bigger results faster than a constant workload.
Run. 30 minutes a day. You live in the middle of nowhere? Even better.
You’ll be amazed at how much you burn and how fast you’ll see results.
$80 for a decent pair of running shoes and you’re good to go. And do get a decent pair. You’ll thank me later. I wear ASICS.
Good luck.
I wouldn’t dismiss weight training if you’re looking for a fast workout which gives results. 15 minutes of high intensity weights twice a week can have a pretty pronounced effect in a short time. You can find out more about high intensity training here.
A pound of muscle burns many more calories at rest than a pound of fat does.
Couple that with the excercise bike 4 to 5 times a week, and you should be well on your way.
If you’re going to get an exercise bike, get a Spin bike, not a standard exercise bike. A Spin bike, made by Schwinn, is a stationary bike with a 50 pound fly wheel, and will work your butt off. Trust me, a standard exercise bike is not going to do what you want - max exercise in least amount of time. They just don’t work you hard enough.
Also, get a heart rate monitor. It’s the ultimate way to compare different exercises. You program in your age & weight, and wear it while you exercise. At the end, it tells you how many calories you burned. I use it to compare different types of exercise.
That said, I also believe that the number one best exercise out there is the one that you’ll do all the time. Sure, riding a spin bike will burn 600-800 calories in an hour. But if you hate it so much you only do it once or twice a month, it won’t do much. Walking may only burn half that much, but if you do it 4-5 times a week, then that’s the exercise for you.
Check out the book “Thin for Life.” It details what people who’ve lost weight and kept it off do. Great book!
I’ve got some bad news for you, Fenris. If you want to make a permanent change to your body, you have to change your lifestyle. That doesn’t mean being a slave to the gym or your juicer, it just means that you have to make exercise and healthy eating part of your lifestyle, not just things you do to lose weight.
It’s a change in attitude. If you approach this asking “what’s the least I have to do to lose weight”, you’re not likely to stick with it very long because you won’t be enjoying yourself. And that’s the key. You have to find something you like doing, something that you look forward to for more than its calorie-burning effect. I hike in the steep country around Seattle. Yeah, it’s great exercise, but I just love being out there. the trees, birds, squirrels, pikas, bear crap, cliffs, alpine lakes, glaciers… it’s fantastic. I’d be there now if I didn’t have to work.
Find something that you like doing. We were built to exercise, and our bodies are much happier when we’re active, rather than when we’re sitting in front of a computer.
Also, I don’t know if anyone has mentioned it yet, but when you’re active and healthy, sex feels way better. I dunno why, probably all the endorphins that exercise produces.
Fenris, is bike riding a not-fun thing to do because of saddle discomfort? If so, have you looked into recumbent bikes? It’s kinda tricky pedalling and steering with an arm and a leg missing, but if it gets you exercising, what the heck.
Since you stated you don’t like gyms, bikes, pools, or standard aerobic videos, that leaves running, walking, climbing, tae bo-like tapes, and cleaning out your garage every weekend and your basement ever Wednesday night.
You could get the running/walking shoes and try that. Since most people don’t live near a convenient rock face, that’s probably not an option. I’d go with the martial arts videos. Take it very slow and easy, go through the stretching part at the beginning of the video twice before you get to the actual martial arts part, and try several different kinds of video.
The best use of a heart rate monitor is to give you a peak at how hard your body is working during your workout. With a HRM, you can target specific training intensity zones. These are difficult for a beginner to estimate by feel alone, and they usually end up pushing too hard on their recovery workouts, and not hard enough on their high-intensity days. A mix of high-intensity training and slow recovery workouts will yield the fastest results. Hammering hard all the time is the fastest way to injury and overtraining. Plus, you’ll hit a fitness plateau faster that way.
I think it sounds like you have a motivational problem. Maybe pick some sort of road race (5k is a good length for a beginner) a few months out and train for that. Just do it for fun, without worrying about placing. I hate running. God, how I hate running. But I race triathlons, so I do it because I’ve got another race in two weeks, I can’t afford to miss any training. Racing is fun, and it helps motivate me. (If a triathlon was swim-bike-round of golf, that would be perfect :))