Okay, get this. We ordered pizza, which I picked up on the way home from work. Now, I loves me yummy olives, but this was only the second time we ordered that topping–half mushroom / olives, half boring plain for my wife.
When I get home, we discover that they used whole olives. That’s right, unsliced intact olives, staring at me like a dozen creepy eyes.
I don’t have a lot of olive experience with pizza, but the first time they were sliced, like you’d expect in a civilized pizza. Can this second abomination be right, whole olives? Is that how it’s done?
Well, if sliced olives are wrong, I don’t want to be right. Whole olives on a pizza are a sacrilege. Plus, the pizza was a slippery, mooshed-up mess. I did not tilt the box at all, though I suspect my wife doesn’t believe me. I think it was all those whole olives destroying the geometry of the pizza, creating cheese tides with the gravitational pull of their huge, unwholesome presence.
This is an outrage. All this blather about Russian hacking while this is going on. I don’t want to live in a country that permits this. As far as I’m concerned, the terrorists have won. Next time, anchovies. That is all.
I recently went to a new fancy wood-fired oven pizza joint, and we ordered olives on our pizza. Instead of sliced ones, we got whole, pitted kalamatas. They were heavenly! I can’t wait to go back.
Oh, we also had spicy Italian sausage and artichoke hearts on it as well.
Now I have to deal with this jackbooted outrage. By the way, the olives kept rolling off the pizza while I was eating it. No one should have to endure this.
Assuming the olives were at least pitted, this is exactly what I would expect when I order a pizza with olives. If they kept rolling off, there’s something wrong with your cheese, too.
Gotta agree: I love olives on pizza, but sliced olives are the way it’s done. As noted, whole olives just roll off.
Anchovies are great! They’re also a wonderful defense against friends who stop by and ask for a slice. “Sure, have a slice.” “Thanks…WHOA! Anchovies! EEEYUCK!”
I wonder where it was originally. Was it in the Pit? Get it?
I could see some avant garde pizzaria trying something stupid like whole olives on a pie but that would be the last time for me. Pizza is proletariat not bourgeoisie.
That is indeed an excellent strategy. But my wife says anchovies on a pizza, even if only on half, pollutes the rest of the pizza. So when we order, it has to be on the side, with the anchovies trapped in one of those little plastic dish containers, instead of resting free on top of the pizza like God intended.
The fundamental problem is the eating of olives. Olives are simple the container in which yummy Olive oil is developed and stored. Complaining about whole olives on pizza is like complaining that your bowl of cereal had the the whole box on top, instead of the box being diced up and sprinkled over it.
I find mushrooms often make the cheese slippy on pizza. Just one of the ways they ruin everything they touch. So the pizza was doomed anyway so you might as well just put whole olives on there. All you’re missing now is pineapple and anchovies.
