So, looking back do you think you behaved a bit nutty here? I wonder if now you’re not paying her, will she stop leaving you alone?
Hell yeah I was nutty. Even at the end, when I was thoroughly repulsed by her, I still believed that I had some responsibility to make sure that “transition” was as painless as possible for her. I was codependent as all hell. It took being on my own for a few months, and seeing the incredible range of possibilities that were open before me, to really start untangling myself.
If she contacts me again, I’m going to tell her to that after strike three, we’re looking at a restraining order. If the threat alone isn’t enough to get her to back off, then I suppose I’ll have to follow through with it.
I also look at it as an addiction. I had become addicted to self-doubt, and put more and more trust in the person who was abusing me. I was already in therapy for clinical depression, but my therapist was not trained in emotional abuse or emotional addiction. When I first mentioned the idea of emotional addiction to her she was skeptical. But I persisted with it and read tons of books about it. She’s not skeptical anymore.
Your friend sounds like he’s far gone, and his girlfriend seems especially skilled at twisting his head around backwards. Your efforts appear generous, sound, respectful, and noble, but from your descriptions of the situation I can’t imagine you could pull him back to sanity by yourself. Like any addict HE needs to be the one who makes the decision to commit himself to recovery. And the prerequisite to making that commitment is to first recognize and admit to himself that he really has a serious problem. Another important first act is to get away from the toxic environment. Your friend seems presently unable to do any of those things, and you can’t really help him while he’s still succumbing and indulging in his addiction in such an uncontrollable way.
I finally worked my way through my own problems by designing a type of 12-step program for myself, stumbling my way through that until I could finally trust myself again without wavering.
Thanks guys - I know there’s no way I can pull him out of this, it’s a “love” affair after all, I wanted to be supportive without getting sucked in, he’s got other friends telling him the same things, of course the woman doesn’t really have any friends (oh, I wonder why), so he’s feeling he can’t let her down, all part of the cycle she’s constructed.
He does say “I know, I know” and “I’ve got to get away from this” so he does recognize the spiral, just that he’s addicted to it. I said, well you know you’re always welcome to come over by me, it’s quiet and calm. But now he’s borrowing her car to get around, so she’ll call him every ten minutes and he doesn’t want to subject me to that, he says. She’s a perfect storm! She called him every few minutes when he was using his own car anyway and I guess he was braver then, he’d leave it in the car, or turn it off.
raindrop: “Your efforts appear generous, sound, respectful, and noble” - well thanks, but he’s also done some great work on my house, built the staircase, plumbed the bathroom, built the kitchen units etc, all for mates rates, so I’m also pissed off that he’s just unable to function properly enough to help me out with stuff. I’ve stopped asking him to do these things because he’s got so “sorry sorry” about it all, as if I’m nagging him, whereas although I do pay him a few bucks, it’s really a favour from him, so why the sorry sorry.
It’s sad, but I’m close to cutting him off altogether, but then he’s further isolated, but then that’s what he needs to get to rock bottom, but then, but then etc etc.
Well, I wasn’t really trying to give you a compliment. I meant that if I were going to advise you how to treat him, what to say to him, what to do for him, I think you’ve already covered it pretty well. Lots of people try to help but just make it worse, setting off the emotional triggers that push someone like him towards the abuser, instead of helping him get away from her. And since you seem to have it covered I can’t add much advice to anything you’ve already tried to do. The bad thing is he’s in too deep and seems headed into a very bad place. But the good part is if he ever gets clear and seeks a way back out of the storm, at least you’ve left a bright beacon that might help lead him back to sanity. When I got clear I first turned towards those who had always treated me the best.
Because he’s overwhelmed with the feelings of obligation towards others, and relentless guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. But all of that is also coupled with an overwhelming compulsion to forsake and betray himself. I’ve known people who are generous towards others, doing favors, undercharging them for services, because that’s the only way they can feel okay with themselves. And when I decided to stop being the caretaker, and to let others take care of me, saying “no” to requests for favors, I started having very severe anxiety attacks.
Ok, well thanks for the confirmation then. It’s been my concern that I could be doing harm rather than good.
Interesting about the favours thing and guilt. It just didn’t seem right, it would be easy to manipulate him when he’s on the defensive all the time. Now I’m going with just come over for a coffee and a chat, he doesn’t have to do things for me to be friends. I don’t want him to do me favours (well, sure I do) but not in this unhealthy way. He likes it when I “need” him for something. It’s funny because I have a hard time asking people to help me.
I’ve printed out “I hate you, don’t leave me” for him and I’ve written the therapists number on it.
Someone like him NEEDS to be needed, and you’re more comfortable asking him for favors because you’re picking up on that need. Similarly the BPD is picking up on that need, only it’s more like a hungry shark smelling blood in the water. The BPD sees his need to be needed as a way to manipulate, exploit, and harm him.
I read that book too, but the one I found even more helpful was Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason. It’s written more for the non-BPD who’s in the relationship with the BPD. It focuses on how the non-BPD can recognize his own vulnerabilities, how he’s being manipulated, how his guilty feelings are being triggered and used against him, and how to turn his own backward thinking around the right way again.
Also be sure to give him the link of BPD Central
And he might already know this instinctively, but he should not let her know he’s reading any of these books. If she did she will just crank up the manipulations and abuse in order to distract and bombard him so he can’t think straight.
Or she’ll read the book and start plotting on how she can manipulate him based on the advice it gives him.
Or she’ll destroy it and most of his other books (and a half dozen other things he values) and either claim it was because he was emotionally abusing her with books like that or that it was “housecleaning” or some shit.
Or he’ll go running to her with the book saying hey honey what do you think of this? Oh lordy. It’s just a PDF I printed, not a whole book. I’m not working right now so can’t afford to buy him books unfortunately, if I could I suppose I’d just sit him down and make him read it here at my place.
Hmmm, I met a 50-ish woman *today *down at the creek while her 3 year old grand-daughter fed the ducks and my twins threw rocks in the water. Within 2 minutes she asked if my youngest was on the autism spectrum. (Not quite but it’s complicated). Then she went on to explain her 24 year old was autistic. Was highly funtioning for a while and then the BPD kicked in around 20. Now in and out of institutionalized care and the grand-daughter is with Grandma.
We traded some experiences and condolences.
I mentioned I didn’t really know much about BPD first hand. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
A heartbroken mom could deal with the autism but not the BPD…