Explaining sex to your kids (or how it was explained to you)

In My Humble Opinion
21

My mom’s version of The Talk: “Here, I’ve signed the permission slip you brought home. Be sure to take it back tomorrow. The school nurse is going to show the fifth-grade girls a film and talk with you about what’s happening to your bodies. I want you to see the film and pay attention, because it’s very important.”

To Mom’s credit, at least she signed the slip and encouraged me to read the booklet that was sent home. Some girls had to sit in the classroom because their parents refused to sign :eek:

I don’t even remember when we started talking about bodies and where babies come from with flodjunior. He knows at least as much at 7 as I did when I graduated from high school. (Actually, I thought I knew much more, but a lot of it was wrong!)

22

My mom, I think, did her best as a single parent. Which consisted of kind of “offering” to have the talk if I ever needed it. As a shy adolescent, with a lot of questions about sexuality in general, of course I eagerly said “Um, sure, sometime.” And rushed off, relieved to have gotten out of that particular awkwardness.

I do have a question for the parents out there though. When you give the sex talk, or the ongoing discussion (which, by the way, sounds so sane as to be surreal), do you mention homosexuality at all? It would’ve done me a world of good as a kid to hear that some people grow up to like other people of the same gender. And that it was okay.

A final note. Be careful what you say during these talks. They do have lasting repercussions. I have a friend in the northeast whose parents sat him down, and went through the whole “Where do babies come from” talk in careful, considerate detail. With one hitch. When asked “What does an orgasm feel like?”, his dad replied, “It’s kind of like a sneeze.”

To this day, he sneezes whenever he comes.

23

In retrospect, I have a lot of admiration for my mother. She was raised in a very uptight household, and she was determined to be straightfoward with her kids on the subject of sex.

Unfortunately, she didn’t have much of an idea of how to go about it. When we would ask a question like “Why do we set the clocks back in the fall?” we got a fairly simple, nonchalant answer that was age appropriate. If we asked “How does a baby come out of the mother?” we had to sit around and wait for her to assemble 25 books and present a little lecture that started off with a diagram of sperm production. In her zeal for making sure we understood the biological functions of the sex organs, she completely overlooked any discussion of the things that led up to intercourse. Thanks to this, I had the vague impression that sex was neither fun, nor gross, but mostly boring. I wondered if adults got tired of hauling out all those biology books every time they wanted to have sex. “Hey baby, how about we have some sexual intercourse?” “Oh, no thank you, dear. I really don’t feel like getting that carton of books out of the garage.”

Once, some student had spray painted the F word on the side of the high school (which was a huge deal in our skippy little suburb in the 1970s) and I asked my mom about it. She then happily presented her lecture on sex, when what I was really after was some explanation of why a kid would write on the wall when it was obviously not allowed.

Poor Mom. She tried so hard. By the time we were in junior high, we would just scream “forget it!” and cruise out the door if she tried to talk about sex.

24

Ummm…I’m 27, and have never had a sex talk with my parents. Never had a period talk with my mother either. Most of what I learned, I picked up from books, friends, and boyfriends.

This meant that I was very confused about sex for a long time-yeah, I knew that’s how you got pregnant, but the mechanics of it were beyond me. And sex ed in school? Nope, Catholic school-we’re not having any of that information given to our students.

I wish they had been more open about it, especially about the emotional aspects, because then I don’t think I would have this tendency to jump into bed with a guy so quickly.

It’s also made me certain that if I ever have children, I will be upfront with them about sex, and work to make sure they feel they can ask any questions at all.

25

6th grade: the SEX ED day had arrived. The boys were thrown out of the room while the girls watched their video and got their lecture.

I had to go with them. You have no idea just how humiliating that was. I stil cringe to think about it. My parents like to think that sex doesn’t exist. I like to think I was an immaculate conception :). That being said, I got most of my knowledge from books (clinical books our school had in the library). The emotional aspects I’m still working on.

26

My parents never told me about it. I saw the “sex ed” video with my class. Found out the basic idea from TV. Got some details from my sister (7 years older).

27

I don’t think my mom ever had a talk with me about sex, but at the same time it doesn’t bother me. Sure, she didn’t talk about menstruation with me until one day when I was a young welf, running to her and crying, “Mom, I’m bleeding!! I’m going to die!” (note: Don’t worry, I knew what it was from videos at school) I learned most of what I know now from my older girl cousins who I spent a lot of time with. Sure, a lot of their information was probably wrong, and they both are young single mothers now, so look what good it did for them. I also learned a lot from those nature shows (LOL Una, I think I said something along those same lines when I was younger)…and the Straight Dope Message Board. There’s also this guy from the old SDMB who I email with questions every once in a while; I’ve done this for years and he gives good answers. Sort of like going to my dad but without the awkwardness (ex. If I talked about sex my parents would probably assume I’ve been doing it).

I don’t think Mom worries about me though. She knows my views on sex, that I’m the type that would wait for marriage. When telling my mom about my good friend who became pregnant, I said, “I wouldn’t do that, she’s in a big mess now” (I’m not bashing any Dopers who have sex out of marriage; my friend herself has said that it’s a big mess and she wishes that she hadn’t listened to that guy she was with). Now, as for the other stuff…well, what Mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

28

This doesn’t – quite – fit the OP question, but it’s one of my favorite anecdotes, so I’m going to post it here anyway. :stuck_out_tongue:

Our former ward married and fathered three kids, and we remain close to the entire family. The middle child is a boy, Brandon, who was five at the time of the story – he just turned six last month. He was staying with his grandma on a visit, and we’d stopped in for the evening for coffee and cards – as it turned out, just at the end of dinnertime.

So there were about five of us plus Brandon sitting around the table, with coffee and cigarettes, Brandon dawdling over the last of his dinner. And the small kitchen TV at their house was carrying the news.

A story comes on which makes reference to sex. Brandon pipes up, “I know what sex is.” Five adults freeze and turn to look at him.

His grandmother says, “Okay, tell us about what sex is.” He answers, “That’s when two people take off all their clothes and then kiss.”

Sighs of relief all around the table.

But you know, for age five that’s a pretty good definition!

29

My dad sat me down and said “Any questions?” I said, “No.” He said “Glad we had this discussion.” I’d already had 5th grade sex ed, so I of course thought I knew all about it. It didn’t really matter since my parents and I had a great relationship. We could talk to each other about everything, so when I started dating heavily, if I had any questions, not really about sex, but about relationships, dating, other activities, I could be frank with them and get answers.

Jman

30

Mine did. For better or for worse, they did. I think part of it was that our neighbors for quite some time were gay men.

Plus, I was very curious about homosexuality. Funny, that…

For all of their openness in the past, mom and dad don’t want to talk about sex directly with me anymore. I know they’ve figured it out, but it’s just a little odd sometimes. Like when I came home for the holidays and they deliberately left me and quietgirl to our own devices for hours at at time.

31

My parents never really talked to me about sex. Mom was a nurse and explained about periods, and that they meant I could now have children. In sixth grade we had “the films” in class. Boys had their in one room, girls had theirs in another. I learned about the sperm and the egg, but nobody said HOW they got together. Finally, in seventh-grade girl’s Phys. Ed. we had a week long sex-ed class. In a book there was a very technical description of intercourse and its biological mechanics. As soon as I visualized what it meant my first thought was about my parents. You know “OH my God, my parents did THAT?” Then I had one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I RAISED MY HAND AND ASKED THE INSTRUCTOR ABOUT IT! Have YOU ever had a whole roomful of junior high girls laughing at YOU? They probably didn’t know a lot more than I did really, but they still laughed. And to make matters worse, the instructor was embarrassed. She got all red in the face and told me to talk to her about it after class!

32

Well i have a great relationship with my parents and all that, but not about sex. I mean, they’ve never even broached the subject, and i’m pretty glad.

I learned about the mechanics, in sixth grade science. Not separately, just all together. And I learned about menstruation- not to mention nocturnal emissions and erections (yeah tramuatic childhood!:)) in fifth grade when we had “that talk.” (Girls and guys separate though for that one.)

I didn’t learn how it HAPPENED until i was in 7th grade when I looked it up in the dictionary. I knew about the boring stuff, the sperm and the egg sure. They sort of spell it out for you…i mean how else can the sperm and egg “come together” without the penis entering the vagina. Maybe on some level I knew, but until it was actually spelled out for me, I never knew. And I was kind of creeped out at first. Not so bad, though. It never even ocurred to me to ask my parents, though. My parents are great, but it would feel weird having them talk to me about sex. And what with TV and the internet, I know pretty much a lot. There’s some stuff I don’t know, but I mean, you have to be surprised a little when the big moment comes.

(Though sometimes I wonder if knowing all this stuff is necessary…I think I’m going to die a virgin. :()

I don’t know how i’d do it if i had kids, which I doubt I will… i’d probably just rent Look Who’s Talking…or perhaps Saving Ryan’s Privates for them. Why waste time bonding with your kids when porno can do it all for you? :slight_smile: Kidding of course. Anyway, that’s all…

33

My parents were divorced when I was so young I can barely remember them being together, and I lived with my mom until I was 11. This is relevant.

My mom was very casual about sex. We never had the “sex talk,” but our bathroom reading was “Everything you always wanted…etc.” and back issues of National Lampoon, and she told us that if we ever wanetd to know anything, just ask - and we knew she was honestly just willing to give information. I don’t recall a time at which I haven’t understood what sex is, honestly.

When I was 10 a friend arrived from another state to visit for a few days. He got to our house in the middle of the night, after my sister and I had gone to sleep.
At around 6:00 in the morning, I heard strange noises; my mom making sounds and some squeaking. :eek: I was concerned, but a light dawned, and I went into my sister’s room. She was awake too. I sat on the edge of her bed and said, “Are they…” and she got a sort of disgusted look on her face and nodded (she was 14). Disgusted only because at 14, the last thing you want to think about is your mom having sex. :slight_smile:

I moved in with my dad when I was 11. He has never - ever - said a word to me about sex one way or the other. Nothing. Nada. I am fortunate that I arrived at his house fully equipped with knowledge, because otherwise I’d’ve quite literally been screwed, I’m sure. The day my period started for the first time I knew exactly what was happening, but was mortified at having to ask my dad to buy me pads. I went through two years of not wearing a bra when I really needed one because I was embarassed to tell him that I needed one…and he didn’t notice, anyhow.

When my kids ask me questions, I just answer them as matter-of-factly as I answer any other questions. They understand that when I have my period, I bleed from my vulva (hey, they’re little kids…it’s generic), it doesn’t hurt, yes, it will happen to Frankie when she gets older and no, it won’t hurt her either. It just exists, like sneezing and farting and any other normal biological function. Why should it be any other way?

I played guru to quite a few people in high school and college as well, because I would answer questions like, from a female friend, “Why do girls like to give blowjobs?” without laughing at them. :slight_smile:

34

My parents never broached the subject with me. Not once ever. They never even attempted it. Most of what I learned about sex as a kid and adolescent I learned in school, either in class (from teachers) or out of class (with girls possessed of more knowledge than I). Now I’m conducting field research.

35

I don’t remember if Mom ever started a conversation on the subject, but by the time I was nine I knew a fair bit, and if I had questions she was willing to answer them. When I was about six I remember getting into her tampons one day; I had no idea what they were for, and dismantled a few of them, when she found me and told me she’d tell me what they were for when I was a bit older.

Though I don’t have kids, I did have the fun of explaining menstruation to my eight- or nine-year old brother when we were sharing a bathroom and he noticed. I didn’t tell him all the ins and outs, but I did give him a basic explanation. He didn’t seem too impressed. But I wasn’t about to perpetuate ignorance, and however embarassed I was (hey, I was a teenager, everything embarassed me) I knew that he was worried about me what with the blood and all. Sweet kid, really.

36

Ham: This is true at any age.

Getting your period doesn’t hurt? Come on…there is a little thing called PMS. I think that qualifies as excruciating pain. :slight_smile:

37

My parents were very open with me. I don’t quite remember a time when I didn’t know what sex was about at some level. I do remember two things that stick out, though.

  1. In third grade, a girl in my class telling me that her dad was in jail for rape. “He didn’t really do it, though, he never really put it in.” So I got home and asked my mom what rape was. She said something like “You know what sex is, right? Well, rape is when a man forces a woman to have sex.” And the conversation went on from there.

  2. Listening ot the radio (at about the same age) when “House of the Rising Sun” came on. I asked mom what the words meant. She asked me if I’d ever heard the word prostitute. I said no. She said “A prostitute is someone who has sex for money.” The conversation went on from there, again.

As far as the details, I got a lot of them from conversations with mom and even dad, and a lot from reading books. The 'rents also talked about moral and emotional issues regarding sex, with a big emphasis on abstinance and waiting for the right person and the right time, which I did.

38

Early “talk” on why co-ed wrestling is bad.

Dad: Do you know how a man gets a woman pregnant?
Me: How?
Dad: They touch. In wrestling, they touch all the time. That’s why men and women shouldn’t wrestle.
Early “talk” about why I shouldn’t say “sucks”

Dad: Don’t say that. “Sucks” means what queers do. They either suck on the penis. Do you know what that is. (Of fucking course I did) You know, your peepee. Or they suck on poop.
Later “talk” after my mom caught me reading a sexually oriented discussion room on the internet (a rather intellectually slanted one at that.) I was about 11 or 12 I think. Here are some excerpts.

Dad: some people grab their penis and go like this (imitating masturbating) until it shoots out the top. That’s stupid.

Dad: Every time you masturbate or do anything with someone before you’re married, you’re weakening the relationship with your future wife.
So no, I didn’t get a very good sex education curriculum from my parents and definitely not from my fundamentalist Christian school. My carnal knowledge came from the internet.

39

Tzel, your dad sounds like Homer Simpson. Did he really say those things? I hope the Internet was a little more enlightening.

40

I know lots. I’ve always known lots. I don’t know where I got it from, lots of places from all over, but from about age eleven onwards, most of what I managed to figure out turned out to be pretty much true.

Shame I haven’t had a chance to actually utilise any of it.