Tell me about talking to your kids about sex

In My Humble Opinion
1

My oldest is an eight yr old boy. He knows how babies are made but not why anybody would do that.

I’m interested in hearing your tales of this tricky parenting realm, especially as kids head into adolescence and talking about sex beyond the biological facts…love, emotions, not using other people, STDs, birth control etc.

Also, what is your opinion of your teenagers having sex? If you really don’t have a problem with it, all customary safeguards in place, would you (do you?) let them have sex at your house?

2

I have told my kids about sex – in real terms, not “when a man and a woman love each other” crap since they were about 4. I have explained that there is no reason to ever allow anyone other than a doctor or mom/dad (if there’s something going on that mom/dad needs to know about) to touch/see their genitals. Having been molested as very young child, I tend to be quite practical about making sure my kids know that it is something they do not have to accept, in the hopes that they will never go through that.

Fortunately for my daughter, the whole thing became very real when she was about 5/6, when her 12 year old cousin gave birth. Yeh. Trust me, my daughter knows exactly what a condom is for and how to use one. For the record, she has no plans on being sexually active until well into college. If then. She only had her first tongue-kiss as a freshman in high school – she’s just not interested. Thankfully!

With my son, it’s been the same. He knows the reality of sex, STD’s and condoms. I keep the detail level to age-appropriate. I mean, he knows that a condom is something he would use to prevent disease/pregnancy, but doesn’t exactly know how it works. The most important thing for him to know now – which he does – is that no one except his doctor or mom/dad (in certain circumstances) has any business ever touching anything on his body that should be covered by underwear. He also knows that there is no reason for him to touch anyone else there. Hard to explain, it’s just always a thing we talk about. Kind of like manners, you just learn these things in our house.

As for teenaged sex – having a 15 year old daughter, well…If it is going to happen, I want to know about it to know that she is prepared with birth control, condoms and whatever. I do not want her to do it, but my biggest qualm is that I don’t want her getting pregnant or catching an STD – that’s more important to me than any old-fashioned virginity shit. Would I let her do it in my house? No. Because I officially am against it. We have an unusually close relationship and I am pretty confident that she would let me know pretty quickly. I am hoping that she will remember her cousin’s fuck up and refrain, though.

As for her friends – if they were to ask “hey Litoris can we come over to your house for some intimate time?” The answer would be the same – “you should not be doing that at your age, no you may not do it in my house, do you need condoms? Are you on birth control?”

3

I’ve always talked openly with my daughter about sex, keeping it age-appropriate. She’s sixteen now, so we’ve pretty much covered it. We’ve talked (and still talk, regularly) about the possible physical and emotional repercussions that make it seem like you’d have to be crazy to do that, *and * the powerful physical and emotional cravings that drive us to do it anyway. We’ve covered every aspect of birth control and disease prevention, the fact that neither having nor refraining from sex will keep you from getting your heart broken (although refraining WILL keep you from getting pregnant or HPV in addition to your broken heart), and the joys of masturbation (because seriously honey… if you want to express affection or crave human touch, then go for the physical contact. If you’ve just got an itch to scratch… well, probably best to do it yourself. Depending on teenage boys for your physical pleasure is bound to be an exercise in frustration.)

I’ve always skipped the “when two people love each other very much” crap. IMO, the stupidest thing you could possibly say to a 14 year old is that sex is what happens when you fall in love. Teenagers fall in love weekly! And the very last thing I’d ever want her to think is that it’s a good way to prove you love someone.

I don’t expect (or even want!) her to wait until she’s married. I want her to have a healthy and happy sex life whenever she’s ready for it, in the same way I want her to have a happy and healthy social life in general. I’m pretty sure that most people would disagree with my philosophy, but I’ve taught her that the only good reason to have sex is because you really, REALLY want to have sex. She knows that doesn’t mean “Because I’m horny” or “Because I love him”. That means “when in doubt, don’t.” It means “because I feel ready to do this, and live with whatever comes of it.” She’s a smart, self-respecting kid, and she’ll know when she’s ready.

4

I have to admit it; I am a wuss. Neither my wife nor I ever discussed sex with out kids. They learned about it well enough from their contemporaries and none of them seems the least bit hung up about it.

A friend of mine did explain it all to one of his kids who noted that we had three kids and exclaimed, “You mean they did it THREE TIMES!” I don’t know if I actually recommend what I did, but had any of them asked I would have given age-appropriate explanations.

5

I think it’s great that you’re considering the emotional implications, not just the biology and STD prevention angles. 8 was probably around the time when I started having similar “conversations” with my son. I put that in quotes because often they’d be one or two sentences from me and a grunt of reply from him, but I just kept doing it. Not all the time and not enough to be annoying, but just enough to be consistent and consciousness raising. I figure if it takes a toddler 50 tries to like a new food, it probably takes about as many repetitions of “Sex is really great, but relationships are hard enough without sex; add in sex and they get *really *complicated. I strongly suggest you practice having relationships before you bring sex into the mix.” before it might sink in.

We’ve talked about how sex might make you feel like you’re in love when you’re not, or it might make you fall out of love, or it might make you fall in love while it makes your partner fall out of love (ouch, says the voice of experience), or it might get you talked about by your peers in a way you don’t want. (This last one was a big deal for him; he’s a private person and rather shy, so the idea that some partner might spread stories about him and he might be laughed at as a result has a lot of resonance for him.)

I also joke about it, in that not-really-joking manner that my son, in particular, really likes. (He’s always been a fan of irony and sarcasm.) We are both fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We have all the DVDs, and in several commentaries, the creator mentions that one of the “rules” of Hollywood writing is “Sex is BAD!” and must be punished with heartbreak, mutilation or death. So true in “family” television! So whenever we see something along those lines, my husband and I put on our Stern Announcer Voice and turn to him and shake a finger and say, “Remember son, Sex is BAD!” and then all three of us laugh and I say, “But seriously…” and he says, " I know, Mom!" and we laugh again. Sounds like a silly thing, I know, but I think laughing about it, in any way at all, makes it less The Big Bad and more something that we can dialog about.

I spot and point out sex complications in life, as well. Hear a story about infidelity or teen pregnancy (including my own) and at this point, all I need to do is say, “Complicated!” And it’s become shorthand for my little speech. I don’t need to say the whole thing every time to drive the point home.

But we also talk, briefly, about why it’s such a topic on everyone’s mind. I acknowledge that, with the right partner and timing and experience, it’s not to be missed. I just stress not rushing it, so that your chances of finding the right partner and timing and experience are greater. Ironic, I know, but IME the people who fuck like bunnies when very young tend not to attract the people worth attracting in the long run.

6

I don’t have kids (by choice,) but I can sure tell you how not to do it. My dad took my brother and I, 10 and 12 years old, out to the playground of a rural school on a Sunday. He sat us down and delivered what he called the “birds and the bees talk.” We could tell he would rather have hit his thumb with a hammer than tell his sons how babies are made. The talk took maybe twenty minutes, but it seemed to us to be an hour. To him, it was probably a week. “If you think of more questions, later on,” he said,“just ask me.” A week later, I asked him a question, and he answered it, but it was clear he did want to open the subject again. Dad gave us no clue that sex was fun, and by giving us his talk in complete isolation gave it an overlay of guilt and shame.

The rest of my sex education was gleaned from articles in Playboy* and a rather formal sex manual called The Perfect Marriage that Mom had hidden someplace.
*Dad had a subscription, and he didn’t make a fuss when the magazines would dissapear for days at a time. After carefully studying the pictures, I read the articles, too. If I hadn’t, I would have been a naive boy, indeed.

7

I answered all sex questions honestly and factually. But there really wern’t very many, I guess they picked it up on the streets.

8

I know this probably doesn’t help, but I vaguely remember seeing a TV show or a comic (told you it was vague!) several years ago. In it, two women were talking about getting the sex talk from their parents. One relates to the other: “Honestly, the worst thing you can do to a parent is to silently, innocently stare at them throughout the entire talk”. :slight_smile:

9

I would venture to say that his full and complete understanding of the bolded items mentioned still may not change…

…well into his forties.

10

I don’t remember what age I was when I got the talk, but apparently it was too early because according to my older sister, I ran out of the house screaming, which to this day, she finds enormously funny.

My mom was a nurse, and had a way of being too graphic with the details.