Parents, and non parents: Sex?

In My Humble Opinion
1

The question is relatively simple… What’s your opinion about your offspring having sex?

Why do you have that opinion? And does it change whether the child is male or female? Does an age gap between the child and his or her chosen partner factor in?
A few recent threads, and the comments in them (Should I left my 14 year old daughter wear a thong?, “You knew about virbrators as a teen?”, “How will you feel when she’s blowing guys”, My daughter and her Facebook creeper*, among others) as well as event life events (more of my high school friends are pregnant, or with child…) and thinking back to my dads lazie faire attitude about my social life and personal business have got me thinking… How the hell would I handle this, if I had kids?

Hopefully, not for a long time… A really, really, really long time… But it’s still something that baffles me. On one hand, the point of producing offspring is for personal fulfillment, and part of that is seeing your genetic lineage passed on… But on the other hand, get your fucking hands off my cousin, I can’t even imagine what I’d do if it was my child…
*Paraphrased, because I forgot the name of the thread

2

  1. I want her (currently 9) to wait, at the very least, until she’s well into her 20’s and in a stable, committed, monogamous relationship. (I would much prefer her to wait until she’s married, though. Her father prefers she wait until he’s dead.)

  2. I have that opinion for religious reasons, and also because I’ve seen the mess having sex too young can make. I’d prefer not to have an unwed teenage daughter and a grandchild to raise - there are worse things that can happen, yes, but overall I don’t want to become a grandmother for another, oh, 20 years or so. Even without throwing a pregnancy into the mix, I think sex is a very powerful thing that shouldn’t be entered into casually, and I think most people these days (myself included) hop into bed way too young. Just because someone is sexually mature (physically) doesn’t mean they’re emotionally ready. And hell - just because someone IS emotionally ready doesn’t necessarily mean they should go ahead and do it.

  3. No - I’d feel the same way if I had a son.

  4. The age gap is mostly irrelevant. If she’s 14 and banging another 14 year old I’m going to be just as upset as if she were banging a 25 year old. The only difference is if it’s a 25 year old, I’m sooooo going to prison.

3

No big problem with it, as long as she’s safe and sane about it, and does it for the right reasons. I lost my virginity at 15 (a few weeks short of 16, really) and have no regrets about it, because the guy and I truly did care for one another.

4

What’s your opinion about your offspring having sex?

Everybody has sex eventually (or strives to). There would be something wrong with my kids if they didn’t have a sex drive. I prefer for them to wait until they are over about, say, 16 before they start experimenting with it. And my hubby has a cardinal rule: NO teenage sex at the house.

*Why do you have that opinion? *

My upbringing, probably. As long as the kids involved are mature enough to handle a sexual relationship, it’s really not my business.

*And does it change whether the child is male or female? *

No. Some of the areas of concern are different for males or females. We have two boys and three girls.

Does an age gap between the child and his or her chosen partner factor in?

It does. Here there is a law about kids’ ages. If the older kid is 18 or older, he/she must not be more than 36 months older than the younger. Each of our kids (so far) has observed this rule.

Each kid matures at a different age. Some are ready to be responsible about sex at age 16. Some are not ready until 18. Our kids’ ages now range from 16 to 25. The youngest is the only one whom I am still counseling about sex life.

Relationships are different too. As kids mature they make a lot of mistakes in relationships. They’re learning, after all. Sometimes your kid will have a romantic partner who does not treat them well. I tried to teach my kids how to tell who is probably ok to enter a sexual relationship with and who isn’t. That doesn’t mean they always took my advice, but in the long run they’ve all manged to become educated about it.

5

Where do the non-parents come in here? ETA: Oh, I see - you mean people who want kids, whether they have bred or not yet. Never mind. Carry on.

6

I have 3 boys, 19, 17, and 11. I don’t know if any of them have had/are having sex, although the middle one always has a girlfriend (they change out every few months). When I talk to them about sex, they really don’t want to hear it- it’s creepy and gross. :rolleyes: In the 1.75 seconds that I do get to talk about it, I tell them that they should wait until they’re at least 18, and that they don’t have the emotional maturity it requires until at least then. I also try to get them to see that girls may look at sex differently than they do, and that they should strive to not use women as sex objects, or hurt them emotionally in their quests for sex.

Another thing I absolutely want them to know is that they must use birth control, and that I’m here if anything goes wrong in that department. I try to be friendly enough with the girlfriends that even they should feel that they could come to me with anything that needs to be dealt with.

7

My daughter and I are best friends. She tells me everything. Lately she really tells me more than a mama needs to know. She’s 20 and has held a job, helps out around here, goes to school and now has her first boyfriend. She’s an adult. That’s the only way I can handle it. I don’t know what I’d have done if all this started sooner!

8

My son is 22 and my daughter 20. I’m absolutely certain they’re both having sex and have been for a couple years. My son and his girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years and the three of them and one other friend have been living together for the last year.

There have definitely been times I haven’t been happy about relationships they have been in, but I started with the safe sex, don’t pressure others and don’t let yourself be pressured into doing things you don’t want when they were in the 12/13 yr old range.

The details I want are that they are being safe and they are happy. Beyond that I really don’t want to know.

9

I don’t have kids, but I generally don’t think it’s any of my business what they do with their bodies and with whom, as long as they are doing it legally and mature enough to understand the potential consequences.

I realize ‘‘mature enough’’ is widely open to interpretation and that’s fine, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I will say the idea of 14 and 15-year-olds experimenting sexually with one another doesn’t freak me out as much as it does some people. It strikes me as a pretty normal behavior regardless of gender.

10

My son is 14 and currently far too immature to be having sex. He and I have talked at pretty great length about sex, and fortunately he doesn’t seem to be bothered by the idea of talking to me (or his dad) about it. I have always emphasized condom use and talked about the difference in how girls view sex. He’s a very empathetic, sensitive guy so I think when he’s old enough and mature enough, he will probably make good boyfriend material. I hope that we continue to have a very open dialogue (I’ve even told him that I’ll buy him condoms when he needs them) so that I know when he’s become sexually active and can provide the appropriate guidance.

What age will that be for him? I have no idea. I am not too concerned about it, other than recognizing that right now he is way, way not ready. I doubt it would be too much different if I had a daughter, except that some of the things I’d be worried about would be different.

I see some people have a “not at home” rule… I’d almost rather he did it at home than off in a car or somewhere sleazy, honestly. I’d generally rather he did things that were safe than risky, and in a controlled environment rather than an uncontrolled one. (For example, we let him read Playboy because it’s relatively tasteful and then he will have less reason to sneak around on the internet looking for TEH BOOBIEZ and come across some of the really nasty stuff there. It’s also out in the open as opposed to behind our backs.)

11

Thats got to be especially awkward when you have guests over.

12

Ha! But you twisted her words.

13

I’m sure my kids - 18, 20, and 23 have had sex. I’d guess they first had it in their junior or senior years of high school, when they each had their first “steady” boy or girl friend.

It doesn’t bother me, per se, but I’d rather not discuss it with them. One thing that really surprised me because I didn’t think I’d fell differently, but it does bother me less that my son is active than his sisters.

14

Let the record show that the “not at home” rule is my hubby’s rule. It’s one of those things I chose not to challenge him on. :wink:

15

I’m not going to quote it, but everything that PandaBear77 said up there. Couple of minor differences: our daughter is 10, and we do have a son, and I feel the same way about him. It takes two to tango.

16

People really expect their kids to wait until their mid-20s??

17

I know. I mean, I’d prefer later rather than earlier (as in, 18 rather than 14), but as long as she’s emotionally ready to responsibly handle it, I’m cool with her having sex whenever it happens.

My mom, who had me when she was barely 16, was bound and determined that I would not make the same mistakes she did. So she was very open with me from an early age about how there were ways to prevent pregnancy, and that if I ever wanted to have sex, she’d hook me up with birth control. And by early age, I mean kindergarten. I think that’s a little much (I will probably start with Josie around 8 or so), but I will end up making the same offer to her that my mom did to me. I took mom up on it too–and to prove that I meant it, she made me ask my stepfather too. Anyone who knows him knows how hard that was, but I did it, and that’s how mom knew I was responsible and mature enough to handle sex. Sure enough, she took me to the GYN and got me on the Depo shot (which sucked, but that’s another story), and I had sex for the first time with absolutely no fear or hangups.

18

We have three boys, ages 13, 10 and 7. The eldest is just getting interested in girls a little bit. He’s had very good sex-ed and health instruction at school, and he’s had the birds-and-the-bees talk with me, too (more detailed than he really wanted). I’ve always emphasized that he should feel free to talk to me or his mom about anything, and that we’ll answer just about any questions he might have (other than our own bedroom habits). He’s well-grounded and I think - and hope, and pray - will make responsible decisions when the time comes.

An age gap between him and a girlfriend wouldn’t really bother me, as such, but a maturity gap, or the perception that he was being kept as a boy toy, would. Although we don’t have daughters, I don’t think we would’ve raised any girls much differently on this issue.

19

Teach them to wait until it’s meaningful. Teach them what “meaningful” is, and that “meaningful” doesn’t arrive soon, or quickly, and it’s not always easy to see. Teach them to avoid peer pressure.

Teach them that getting pregnant out of wedlock is a terrible, awful curse that will only make their life needlessly more difficult than it should ever have to be. Teach them that the only way to avoid getting pregnant is to avoid having sex. Teach them that if they absolutely HAVE to have sex… don’t have sex, do something else that’s equally as fun.

I know, that part is controversial for a lot of folks. But it’s true, just as true when I was 17 as it is when I’m 35-- only stupid people get pregnant. Oral sex never got anyone pregnant. Hands and fingers never got anyone pregnant. Vibrators never got anyone pregnant.

Might not be the lesson I teach a 10 year old, but a 14 year old is getting read the most embarrassing riot act in parenting history.

To put it bluntly: I have zero faith in birth control, even when done right and perfectly every time, and there is no one under the age of 30 who knows how to do it right and perfectly every time, certainly no one under the age of 21.

Sex is for someone you love, and are willing to accept the responsibility of loving for the rest of your life, as there is a non-zero chance you’ll be raising a child with that person for the rest of your life.

At 15, there’s just no excuse for determining the rest of your life. You get horny, go rub it out in a shower like the rest of us had to. You’ll be better off for it.

P.S. I know, I didn’t mention anything about disease. Again, that goes hand-in-hand (no pun intended) with the pregnancy discussion. You don’t want a lifetime of responsibility OR misery for fifteen minutes of anything.

20

My kids are 5 and 3, so I am totally opposed to them having sex. And not just with each other, although that too.