I apologize ahead of time for bouncing around from thought to thought…
My 17 year old daughter wants to go on “the pill”. She went to her mom a few days ago and asked about getting an appointment with the doctor.
On one hand, I am extremely pleased that she feels comfortable enough to talk with my wife (and me) about such things, as well as being responsible enough to be thinking about taking precautions. On the other, she is my baby girl and shouldn’t even be thinking about sex until she is at least 30. She could have gone to the school clinic and done this without our knowledge or she could be having sex without any precaution at all… but she chose to talk with us.
My wife and I feel that she is more mature than most her age, but are still concerned that there might be a little bit of pressure on her. Her boyfriend is the product of two strict, Catholic parents. There is no way that he could have this conversation with his parents. We are also concerned that if his parents ever got wind of our daughter being on birth control that they might go to drastic measures to keep their son and our daughter apart.
We talked to her about the fact that there is more to it than just the physical. We want her to be sure (as sure as one can be) about the person she will experience her “first time” with. My wife and I were each others first (but not only) partners, and I mentioned that I feel good about the fact that 23 years later I can say that.
And, of course we discussed that there was more to safe sex than not getting pregnant. She was matter-of-fact that whenever it would finally happen there would be two forms of birth control used.
Her boyfriend is forbidden by his parents to be alone with a girl in their house, I think they have been alone in our house (for a very short time, once or twice). This led to me asking about location… If they can’t be alone there or here, where do they expect to have sex? I wouldn’t want her first time to be in the backseat of a car, the hallway at school or some other equally cheesy place.
I told her that I would never say no to her going on the pill, but that I didn’t want her to get the idea that I condoned her having sex. I have no religious objections to it, just those of a dad.
Yes, You are good father, and like all fathers dislike the idea of your baby girl growing up. You are blasted lucky if this really is her first time at the rodeo at all. Time to face the facts. She is very nearly a legal adult, and you do not want this issue to form a wedge between you two. Take a deep breath, have a stiff drink and go hug your daughter and tell her you love her. As to them being safe somewhere, is it really that bad if you and mom bugger off to the movies for an hour or two occasionally while they stay at home? All you are doing is just giving them space. Nothing has to, or necessarily will happen. The fact that you could just sort of back off in this manner will be greatly appreciated by both daughter and her boyfriend. They need some space to form a relationship in.
My thoughts? One persons joy and discovery is another persons grief for what once was.
Don’t think about her having sex. Think of the confident, assured daughter you have raised. Remind yourself of the road you and your wife have traveled to bring her to this juncture, right here. Be in awe of that.
Everything at this stage in her life is wonderfilled for her. Remember that feeling? Be glad she made it here to have that.
Forget about all the ‘where-are-they-gonna-do-it’ stuff. Sorry to rain on your concerned parade, but it’s kinda non of your business, and they’ll do it wherever and whenever - probably just like you did.
Shed a little tear on your own if you want. Then have a beer and pat yourself on the back.
It sounds like you’re handling this well, IMO.
My only advice would be to caution her about the age of consent. You don’t mention the boyfriends age, so that could be an issue.
I know an 18 year old boy that served time and now has to register as a sex offender because he had sex with his 17 year old girlfriend. Her father found out and insisted charges be filed even though the girlfriend didn’t want to. This guy picked the wrong girlfriend, her dad worked for the DA, so he went to prison.
It is a tribute to you that she feels comfortable talking to you about this. You guys are gonna be fine. Just try not to think about it too much. It can cause insomnia, I know from experience.
Bear in mind that, while you feel this is an ideal, it is probably not the norm for most people. She’s of a different generation and is a different individual for you and your wife. By stressing an idealized ‘perfection’ you could turn her curiosity into an unhealthy complex, either at the time or in the future (particularly if the relationship doesn’t work out).
I think she’s a very good daughter and it’s a testament to your parenting that she is talking to you about it. Try to be liberal.
Disclaimer: no kids but watched both of my younger sisters go through this stage.
This sounds like something I would want to do for her but it would be tough… Again, I don’t want to sound like I am condoning her having sex.
I think that he is 17 as well. Good point to bring up to her. Thanks!
No sons, just two daughters. The youngest is 12. She will be the one we have to worry about. Yea, I was joking about waiting till she is 30. I’m not so naive to think there hasn’t been something going on.
Just as a question: why don’t you want her to think you condone her having sex? Is there something wrong with her having sex, especially given what seems to be a very responsible and mature attitude on the subject? I mean, she’ll have sex in her life, and sooner rather than later.
And you seem disposed to want it to go well for her. That doesn’t just mean having her come out of it unscathed; that means having a good time and feeling good about it.
Actually, I think an attitude that sex is supposed to be for pleasure, and her pleasure is as important as that of her partners, and that to have sexual pleasure both partners have to be comfortable with and enthusiastic about the situation, will go a long way to keeping her safe, as well. I think especially for straight women, it’s important that they and their partners think of their pleasure and comfort as just as important as the man’s – that sex isn’t something that women just dole out to men.
I think that people with that sort of attitude end up better at being aware of their sexual needs, their boundaries, and their comfort level, and less inclined to think of sex as something that, say, they should put up with in order to keep a partner happy when their own preference would be otherwise.
What about the various different aspects of sex – that good, satisfying sex isn’t limited to intercourse?
What is it with fathers not wanting their daughters to have sex? If it was parents in general, I’d just assume natural protectiveness…but since it’s a father/daughter thing, it always seems kind of creepy.
My WAG as to why fathers don’t like the thought of it Freudian Slit because they know the kind of thoughts horny teenage boys have. Whatever they are, daughters should not be the subject of them.
I don’t want her to think I condone it because I don’t. I think she is too young and has too many other things going on in her life to have her add all of the aspects and complications that sex adds. There is a very real emotional toll that comes with it.
And of course I want it to go well for her. I wish her the best in everything she does. I want everything to turn out perfect for her. I know that that is an unrealistic expectation, but it is there nonetheless.
I think turning sex into a big, emotional affair ends up opening girls up to more hurt than anything else. Nobody really does that to boys and we’re not encouraged to be emotional about sex anyway. It’s just something we’re uncontrollably, lustfully in need of, the thinking goes. As if girls don’t have sexual feelings of their own. As if the only way a girl would have sex is out of emotion, laying herself bare to the depraved hunger of some young man.
:dubious:
It just seems like a self-fulfilling prophesy to me. Make a girl feel like she has to want this for some emotional need, while nobody does the same to straight boys. Sometimes girls get horny too and, God bless 'em, they should be able to scratch that itch with all the moronic abandon of boys, without anybody telling them they’re bad for doing it for honest desire instead of ulterior emotional motives. How is engaging in sex out of hopes of love healthier than entering into it with the understanding that you want sex?
Haha, I totally agree. My boyfriend’s dad is a well-meaning aging hippie, and he tried to let my bf know that he was willing to leave the house to let BF and his first girlfriend have privacy back when BF was young and living at home. My boyfriend recalled it to me as being a very embarrassing and awkward conversation for him.
I am in favor of letting anyone who is sexually active have access to contraception, but I don’t see any need to go out of your way to make the actual process of having sex easy for them. There’s an excellent chance it will just come across as creepy and embarrassing.
Personally, I agree with you. It seems like in current society the pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction that some people find it weird if a teen ISN’T having sex, but honestly, I think most teens would be better off waiting to have sex, even though I know that a lot of them do have sex. If this were my daughter, I’d be candid with her about not condoning sex at her age, even though I would also give her credit for being responsible about contraception.
To me, this kind of thing is much like teen drinking. Yes, we all know a lot of teens drink alcohol, and sure we want them to be responsible about it, but that doesn’t mean mom and dad have to buy the booze for them and give them a slap on the back for drinking.
In my case, I wanted to go on the pill for much of high school because I had horrible, horrible cramps that would debilitate me for a few days each month. My mom would just Weird The Fuck Out every time I mentioned it, so I waited until I got to college (no Planned Parenthood or school clinic in my hometown), then rushed to the student health service almost immediately. That was such a relief to finally get those cramps done with.
Similarly, if I’d actually been thinking about having sex - I mean, I was thinking about it, but didn’t have a good opportunity in high school - and my parents weirded out about the pill, I’d have stuck to condoms and whatever spermicides/sponge/whatever I could find.
So thank you about not trying to be too stressed about this.
I also agree with the above posters who say that sex doesn’t necessarily have to be all emotional for the woman. I mean, it’s nice when that happens, but I agree that it puts a lot of pressure on her, and she puts pressure on the guy/the relationship. I hung onto my first boyfriend for way, way longer than I should have put up with his crap just because we’d been together for a few years and we’d engaged in some sexual activity (not penis-in-vagina intercourse), so I put a lot of emotional investment into those things.
Plus, she’s young! 17 is no time to be picking out a husband. Yes, I know, there are people who are high school sweethearts (/waves to QtM) who end up in successful, long-term marriages, but it’s a vanishingly small percentage - the exception that proves the rule, basically. If I’d have stuck with my high school sweetheart, it would have been disastrous.