Facing Down Old Demons (almost literally)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ever wished that you had the chance to talk to someone who bullied you when you were younger? To tell them how much they hurt you? Or maybe to beat them up?

I have that chance. (Of course, I would never use violence!) I would like to hear your opinions on what I should do.

Background:
When I was in junior high, I played the flute in band. Being quite a good little flutist, I was second chair in seventh grade, behind only one eighth-grader, named Molly. Molly and I were deemed stand partners, and sat next to each other for that entire, hideous year. I’m not exactly certain why she hated me so much. Maybe because she hadn’t been second chair when she was in seventh grade, or because she wanted to sit next to her friend, or whatever. I have no idea, but I DO know that she made my life absolutely miserable. This was before I gained a modicum of confidence (Dopers who have met me won’t believe this at all!) and I sat there and took all the nasty comments and snide remarks without so much of a word. I absolutely hated her, but I was too afraid to respond. That was a really difficult point in my life. I was extremely sensitive, to the point of paranoia, and I hated school and everyone there, and all my friend had drifted away. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who had a difficult time in junior high. Molly was definitely a big reason I hated it so much.

Anyway, instead of going to the local public school, Molly went to a private school, and I never saw her again.

Until last November. While sitting in the library here at Santa Cruz, I saw her walk past me. Unbelieving, I searched the school’s directory, and I was right. She’s a junior here (kind of amusing, now I’M ahead of HER). I’ve seen her a couple times since, on the bus or walking to class or whatever. She’s never given any sign that she knows who I am, and it’s totally possible she’s completely forgotten about the wimpy seventh-grader she bullied nine years ago.

But I so want to walk up to her and tell her how much she hurt me. I want her to feel just the slightest bit of the pain that she caused me. Is that terrible? Should I do it? Or should I take the high road and ignore her, like I have been doing? I’m not really all that confrontational, but I’m just filled with anger every time I see her. What should I do, O Teeming Millions?

~Harborina

“Don’t Do It.”

2

Just walk up to her and see if she remembers you. Get to know her. As you did, people change. Who knows? Maybe she’s cool now and you could be friends. We’re all stupid when we’re kids and we can be mean for no reason whatever. So talk to her, introduce yourself, and maybe you can just talk it out, you know, why she was so mean, how much it hurt you, etc.
It’s been my experience that a sincere apology feels a lot better than revenge, and you might just get a friend to boot.
Or you can kick her down a flight of stairs, or wack her tonya harding style, or be all mean to her otherwise, and who know’s what you’d be missing?
Take it with a grain of salt, I just mean to say talk to her.
That’s all.
Noonch.

how did it start? well i don’t know i just feel the craving. i see the flesh and it smells fresh and it’s just there for the taking…
VvvV
“Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.”

3

If it were me, I wouldn’t let her know that she caused me untold amounts of pain all those years ago. But that may just be me; I wouldn’t want her to have the satisfaction of knowing that she had that kind of power over me, even all these years later. (I am possessive of my “personal power”.)

I would talk to her, though, and if she has changed (become a pleasant human being), accept her for who she is today, and not for who she was in eighth grade, when maybe she had a lot of issues to deal with, too. Young girls tend to deal with things like family problems by lashing out at other young people who happen to be handy. No matter what else was happening in her life, it is likely that jealousy was a big part of her problem, as well.

If it became glaringly apparent that she hadn’t changed one whit, I would let her know (tactfully, since we’re adults now) that she hasn’t changed a bit: she is still as nasty, bitter and hateful as she ever was.
Then I would turn my back, and not waste another thought on her.

(I say this from my experience, as I have had roughly the same thing happen in my life. I approached the situation with an open mind, forgetting the past, and offering her the chance to begin fresh. It didn’t work. She was the same sadistic b**ch she had always been. It didn’t take long to see that. Still stuck in junior high.)

Sorry to ramble, but your post hit a chord with me. Good luck, no matter how you deal with it. (let us know.)
JoWallaby