Wicked Dutch Elm flareup.
Mistaken for donkey at donkey-raping factory.
:o
Think you just won the thread.
Doh! And too late to change it. 
Anyone female with a johnson has plenty of call-in excuses that are far funnier than anything I might come up with.
Started reading a Hofstadter book, and began a story about a guy with an unrewarding job who started reading a Hofstadter book, and began a story about a guy with an unrewarding job who started reading a Hofstadter book …
Got my finger stuck in a packet filter.
Pasta wasn’t. Had to start treatment for massive worm infestation.
Pattern buffer failure while trying to rematerialize after a transporter beam-up.
And if you don’t feel like reading, it’s the same reason Paddy’s not at work today 
While slicing bacon, got cut into a finite number of non-overlapping pieces.
We will both be taking the day off tomorrow.
Sustained third-degree burns while configuring email firewall.
Lost right index finger to second knuckle after reaching into malfunctioning network router and the device self-started.
Grade three sprain of hamstrings caused by jumping to conclusions at project team meeting.
Torn rotator cuff after reaching out to engage customers without adequate warm-up.
Forgot to wear my "don’t shoot the messenger “badge