Family rift from sexual abuse

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s a complicated personal situation I would appreciate some perspective on please.

My wife grew up in a close extended family where her mother’s sister (Aunt) and her family lived directly across the hall from their apartment. The two families were very close and my wife and her sister considered their two male cousins (Cousin1 and Cousin2) to be like brothers. Last year, Aunt passed away, and a couple of months later my wife’s own father passed away. All that is left of that generation is my mother-in-law and Uncle, both of whom are quite invalid (and still living across from each other).

Well, a year ago, Cousin1 dropped a bombshell that when he was a child, more than 40 years ago, Uncle used to sexually abuse him. This absolutely stunned everyone, though on further reflection, my wife herself recalled a few situations when she felt uncomfortable around Uncle. What stunned us even more is that Cousin2 (younger by a few years) refused to accept Cousin1’s story. Why, I don’t know; it is too sensitive a topic to discuss with him. But as a result, Cousin1 and Cousin2 are no longer on speaking terms.

In cases of sexual abuse, you have to take the word of the victim, and I have no reason to doubt Cousin1’s story. But it is heartbreaking to see a family torn apart like this. My MIL no longer speaks with Uncle (despite the two of them being alone and living so close), and my own (minor) kids are no longer allowed to spend time with him either (which I totally agree with). But my wife (and I) feel caught between the two cousins, and there is some indirect pressure from Cousin1 on my wife to reduce contact with Cousin2, which she has to some extent done. I have known both cousins for 20 years and think both are very good people.

I guess what I am struggling to come to grips with (and I know I am opening myself to criticism by saying) is the fact that overnight two brothers (and their cousins) can become estranged by something that happened 40 years ago. It is just shocking that five decades of closeness amongst four cousins can be destroyed overnight by one revelation of something done by someone else. Doesn’t shared history count for something?

Personally it isn’t that difficult for me to remain neutral in all of this, and that is what I will do. But it is just so sad to see historically close cousins falling apart over something that happened so long ago, at a time when they probably need each other the most. Wouldn’t it make more sense just to forgive, even if one cannot forget?

I sincerely apologise in advance if I am offending survivors of sexual abuse. I would like to hear some perspectives on this, even if it is to tell me how insensitive and wrong I am.

2

I’d suggest that the problem isn’t something that happened “so long ago”, the problem is this:

“What stunned us even more is that Cousin2 (younger by a few years) refused to accept Cousin1’s story.”

Cousin2 made the choice not to believe Cousin1 just recently, not 40 years ago. Finding out why Cousin2 doesn’t believe Cousin1 is just about the only way I could see to even try to fix things.

3

There’s also the fact that the uncle is still around and apparently not accepting responsibility for his actions, or denying that they ever took place. That is causing ongoing pain, not something in the past that can be forgiven or forgotten. To the OP this may be something that took place 40 years ago; to the victims this is ongoing, painful, and ever present.

4

If I understand correctly, it appears that Cousin2 is in the very difficult position of having to decide if his brother (Cousin2) is a liar or his father (Uncle) is an abuser, and he chose option 1. I have no advice to give other than to seek some form of professional guidance, and hope that this will help in time.

5

Just to seek some clarification - Cousins 1 and 2 are brothers, right? And “Uncle” is their father? So the abuse was that Uncle abused his son?

6

The challenge for C2 is to completely change his opinion of his father, who he has likely been close with and loved for a very long time. C2 would need to come to terms with the fact that he has fond feelings for a person who may be an abuser. It’s hard for the brain to reconcile those feelings. It’s easier for it to say C1 is a liar than to completely re-evaluate the relationship with the father. And C2 would have to realize that he was duped by not seeing it. It’s a lot to ask. I think any of us would struggle in his position if we were told a person we loved dearly was an abuser. It’s natural not want to believe.

I don’t know if you should cut off contact with C2. That will make him feel more ostracized and less likely to come around. Maybe tell C1 that it will take time for C2 to come to terms with what this means about his father and to not fully cut him off forever. Certainly now things will be tense, but over time C2 may see the truth. But if C2 is pushed too hard now or cut off, then the relationship may not heal. It may just die. It’s probably best not to get in the middle of C1 and C2. Be understanding, but don’t try to mediate. It’s going to take a long time for these feelings to sort themselves out. I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes years or decades for them to restore their relationship.

7

My uncle-by-marriage went to his grave denying that his good friend, a priest, abused my cousin. Only after his death did my aunt accept that her son had been abused.

Didn’t help that my uncle-by-marriage was a violent alcoholic who was physically abusive to his kids. My aunt conceived 14 children, ten of who survived to adulthood. So kids were replaceable to him, his friendship with Monsignor was not.

But many of his kids still defend him stoutly, even the ones who have managed not to perpetuate the chain of abuse to their kids.

8

These things can be complicated.

My husband’s father abandoned his children when my husband was young. My husband’s uncle (let’s call him Andy) took the role of, if not “male parent” at least “adult man who cares about you”. My husband was very close to his uncle.

But Andy was… sexually creepy. He probably thought he was being nice, or flattering me, but I felt uncomfortable in his presence for years, and when he took us out to dinner or whatever, I told my husband that I was not willing to sit next to him in the car. And when we had a daughter, I never left her alone with him. Not for 2 minutes to run to the bathroom.

My husband’s sister (let’s call her Beth) told the family, when she was in her 40s, that she’d been to therapy and recovered memories of Andy sexually abusing her when she was a child. But Beth’s mother (let’s call her Carol) said that SHE had never left Beth alone with Andy. And also, that once, when she was just hitting puberty, Andy groped her, (Carol) and she complained to her mother, who moved her to a private bedroom (Andy and Carol had shared before) and it never happened again. So she had been careful not to leave Beth alone with Andy, but also felt that if anything HAD happened, Beth should have said some something to her, Carol. But Carol was also pretty certain nothing could have happened because the only man she EVER left Beth alone with was the father. (Before he abandoned the family.)

So…

  • On the one hand, I don’t believe that Andy physically molested Beth. These were “recovered memories” after all, which aren’t super reliable.
  • On the other hand, I do believe that Andy may have made Beth feel weird and bad enough that she later believed he had molested her.
  • And on the third hand, I have to also acknowledge that Andy was a positive influence in my husband’s emotional development. He felt loved and cared for by Andy. (And Andy was fine with men and boys, he was just nasty with women and girls.) And I was ultimately able to make him treat me like he treated men. So I got along with him okay, although mostly at arm’s length.

So…
We never cut off contact with anyone. We never told Beth that she was wrong, but we also continued to visit Andy. If we invited them both to the same thing (a bar mitzvah, say) we warned Beth and let her know whether Andy might attend. And we acknowledged that Andy hurt Beth.

I don’t know, this probably isn’t helpful to you. And you might think we made bad decisions. But it’s close enough that I wanted to share. And I suppose it might point to possible paths of reconciliation between the cousins. My husband and his sister get along fine, both recognizing that they had very different experiences with their shared uncle.

9

It’s not uncommon for two people to have completely different memories of the same events or time periods. Memory itself is plastic, and traumatic memories are only half-formed which makes it harder to establish what actually occurred. I also think that even abusers may be re-enacting their own traumatic memories, and thus may be partially dissociated when they do the acts. Thus, even the perpetrator may not clearly recall anything.

It’s also not uncommon for traumatic responses (not memories) to emerge after 30 or 40 years. Sudden episodes of rage, phobias, substance abuse, can come seemingly out of the blue. Although OP was asking about incest, most of my recent education on trauma comes from books like these:

Riding the Tiger by Peter Levine
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Neither of these books is that hard to read. They’re not dry tomes, and I found them both to be eye-openers and very convincing, lucid, compassionate, and also practical.

Oh one more thing. An event doesn’t have to be “intentionally bad” to cause trauma. It can happen from childhood surgeries with anesthesia. Although this is a gross over-simplification, essentially, if the person experiencing an upsetting event does not get the opportunity to debrief and decompress afterwards, if their pain is not witnessed or acknowledged, they often can’t metabolize the event or properly form a memory that lets them know that the event is now in the past.

This is why 1-1 abuse behind closed doors is so damaging. Nobody else knows, nobody else wants to know, and the person can’t reconcile external consensus reality to what they feel inside their own bodies.

10

That’s probably the best advice.

When my elder sister (oldest sibling, now deceased) was in her late 50s she claimed that our father phyically abused her when she was young (severe beatings). That did not match my memory of my father, or my older brother’s memory. When I asked my elderly mother about it, she looked surprised and said No.

In the couple of years prior to the accusation, my sister had casually shared two stories about our childhood that incorporated false memories (things I had done – that I had once told her about – and that she now believed she had done). Sis was also having health problems at the time, and may have been taking some type of mood stabilizers.

My experiences can’t help the OP in any direct way, false memories are a real thing, but yeah, it’s usually best to give the accuser the benefit of the doubt. Still, try to find out why Cousin2 is dubious. After that it’s up to each person to figure out how much they want to isolate the other members of their family.

11

When I was in middle school, my family went through some stuff. What’s relevant is that my dad was trying to stonewall my mom into a divorce by refusing to pay for anything. This led to a situation that I’m pretty sure warranted at least investigation by CPS. I was unable to get an adult to take me seriously, and eventually the situation was resolved, but I never really forgave my dad for it. When he died, my sister (the oldest one, who lived across the street from our parents) called with the intent of ripping me a new one for being an ungrateful brat. One of her accusations was that I’d made up this whole story to make our dad look like a jerk, and the truth was that I’d gone through a Difficult Phase for no reason except to rebel…“I don’t have to listen to this,” said I, and hung up.

Not sure that helps. I hope it does, though.

12

So sorry to hear this

13

Because of a will, my adult siblings and I found out that a couple of us had lifelong, incredibly venomous resentments dating from childhood that the others (myself being one) had not one clue about. It was … interesting. At the same time, I learned that each of my siblings had a remarkably different impression of each of our parents than I did. It does not surprise me that, when put to it, a sibling would rather deny the reality of another one rather than make adjustments to their memories. Turns out, childhood memories are something people hold on to like their internal organs.

14

thanks. I appreciate everyone’s insights.

I think, if possible, the only way forward is to try to find out more about why Cousin2 feels the way he does. The other complicating factor is that since Cousin1 has completely cut off their ailing elderly father, and their mother passed away last year, Cousin2 may feel a combination of nostalgia and duty to continue contact with their father. So maybe looking the other way is his practical (and temporary?) solution for the situation.

It also occurred to me that if Uncle abused Cousin1, then there is a not-insignificant chance that he abused Cousin2 as well. And perhaps although Cousin1 was ready to come forward with the truth, maybe Cousin2 isn’t ready to say anything about his own experience, and denying everything is easier…

15

I’d give you better than even odds that it is this. Give them the space.