How about “Have you lost weight?” as an intended compliment. I got that once (from a regular customer at a store I worked at). I had not been trying to lose weight because my weight is quite consistent and I’m happy with my standard size. But as soon as she said that, I began to worry a little - did I look fat before, at my “normal” weight? What was wrong with me that I was unaccountably losing weight? Her ‘compliment’ had quite the opposite of the intended effect. I felt like she was saying “you were fat before, but now you look better.”
“You’re not fat” as a compliment assumes a connection between fatness and attractiveness that I think is destructive.
Fair enough. I was actually thinking of my actual weight (240), not the nebulous “over 200 pounds” when I wrote that. I also wasn’t trying for clinical accuracy, and I got sloppy. I apologize and withdraw my numbers.
Would you accept “unless you’re over 6 feet?” instead? I can’t picture a 200 pound person at 6 feet who isn’t fat or a bodybuilder…but we’ve already seen I have no idea what 200 or 240 pounds really looks like, so what do I know? The point was, I’m fat by everything but possibly Ethnic Mother Stereotype standards. I’m not a waif wailing “I’m so fat!” because of a little period bloat.
That said, 6’4" and 220 is “overweight” (BMI=26.8). 6’4" and 270 is “obese” (BMI=32.9). But, as sandra_nz’s link shows, you can indeed be “overweight” or “obese” (medical terms) without being fat (subjective adjective).
Auntbeast, I’ve never been “a skinny bitch” (ouch), so I’ll have to take your word for it. It sucks that people are mean to outliers, doesn’t it?
I don’t think any harm is meant by it. When someone says they’re fat, IME, they’re being down on themselves, they’re not saying, ‘Hey, I’m fat, look at my great ass!’. So I think it’s perfectly natural for the person they’re talking to to say something like, ‘Hey, you’re not fat, you’re curvy!’ I can understand how it might be annoying if you know you are fat, but what’s the point in getting annoyed unless you know for sure that someone is trying to make you feel bad?
“Getting annoyed” isn’t terribly under my control - acting on it certainly is. And annoyed isn’t even the right word for what I feel: bemused, perhaps. Unsettled, sometimes, when the sincerity is in doubt. Sad, when I think about it too much.
I was curious how other fat people received comments; it seems that I’m not unusual. Doesn’t mean I’m going to lecture or berate anyone, but I might wink and smile and say, “I’m fat AND beautiful,” and know I’m not entirely unique in doing so. That’s a good strategy, I think, and not something I’d thought of on my own.
I dunno. I often think that people who go, “I’m fat!” are just secretly wanting you to tell them they’re not, even if they insist they’re fat when you tell them otherwise. Not everyone, certainly, but maybe some. Not that there’s really anything wrong with that. But my point is, who knows what the correct response to a statement like that is…
But can you honestly not see that, when people say things like “you’re not fat, you’re curvy!”, it’s implying that those are mutually exclusive terms and you cannot be both. I can be fat AND curvy. In fact, I am inordinately proud of my fat and curvy great ass. I’m not annoyed with anyone who says this stuff to me, and like to think that I reply politely and cheerfully. But it is a mode of conversational shorthand that I feel have to challenge, gently, as it’s really not helping anyone out. Fatties don’t need lying to, and I would welcome a culture where calling yourself fat does not automatically mean the assumption that you’re putting yourself down. Anymore than calling yourself tall, short, thin, dark, pale… Of course people think they are being nice and supportive saying this stuff, so the last thing I’m going to do is rip their heads off over it. But I would like it to change and for me to be able to describe myself as fat without everyone assuming I’m ragging on myself, as I’m really not. This thread seems to demonstrate that other people aren’t, either.
That’s a nice butt. I think the thing some people don’t accept is that there really is such a thing as big, sexy women, and there really is such a thing as fat women that are rarely considered sexy, because of the size and shape of their fat. That is why people look at a woman like you and say you aren’t fat. They are not saying you aren’t overweight. They are saying they don’t see you in the same light that they see certain fat women whose ass doesn’t look like yours.
Women who are big and curvy should accept that and stop pretending to be on the same plane as very, very large and unshapely women. It doesn’t make huge women feel any better when we do this. They are a different kind of fat than you are, so stop pretending they aren’t. They just are.
I tend not to go for the generalizations, but that’s probably a reasonable one. I know people who weigh the same, but one looks quite a bit “fatter” than the other because of where the weight is carried, the size & shape of their underlying frames, or how much of the weight is fat vs. muscle.
Yep. I’m aware of that. I feel better when I weigh less, and I’m working on getting back in shape, but I really have trouble buying that I’m “obese.” I’m a large 6’4" – my wingspan is over 7 feet, I wear a size 8 hat, and most extra-large gloves are too small for me. I’m exactly 100 pounds heavier today than I was when I first hit 6’4" tall back in 7th grade. I thought I was far too skinny then, and I’m too heavy now. But 220 felt really good to me.
