I agree with everyone else. My situation isn’t an exact match to yours, but one of my grandparents is actually an ex-step grandparent. I don’t have any memories of the two ever living together, and I’m not sure if they were even together when I was born.
I didn’t mean to say that the situation was the same in any way except that it’s about people allowing others to maintain relationships if that’s what they want. It’s never inappropriate to maintain a relationship, regardless of how often you see each other, if that’s what both parties want (provided she didn’t do something horrendous, mind you).
I dunno…I don’t think people ever think it’s tasteless to acknowledge your appreciation of them. If she doesn’t want to maintain the relationship, she’ll let you know. But I’ll be that she’ll be happy that you view her as a person and not simply as an accessory to her ex-husband.
I would at the very least drop Annie a “thinking of you” card with a small note that you feel sorry for what has happened to her.
If she contacts you back then at least you know she wants to continue the relationship you started and then go from there.
If she does not return the communication then at least you have the peace of mind that you attempted to continue the friendship you started, however small it may have been.
I agree with others that blood has nothing to do with it.
When I dated a guy another life time ago we used to call his brother uncle to my children. He was really the only uncle they ever knew. They were raised four years of their life knowing Dave as Uncle Sprout and even though we broke up they continued to see him and refer to him that way. He passed away a couple months ago, way to young I might ad, but my children and I still considered him Uncle Sprout.
Tell him to go sc#w *ff, & stew in his own juice.
He voted himself out of your family, & now he wants it both ways.
His act was one of cruel betrayal-- to hell with him.
Whatever you do, you should do it together with Arwin.
You can ask how she is holding up and whether there is anything you can do for her. (This is not a blanket offer of doing anything for her, but an opening for her to talk.) If there are days when Arwin is busy and you are not, you could offer to drop by with the “grandkid” if she is interested in seing the child. (Requests for babysitting might want to wait until she expresses an interest.)
Yep. You’re stuck. And despite your righteous anger and the suggestions of a couple of other posters, telling him off–now or later–is a bad idea. (Write him a really nasty letter explaining all the hurt and anger you feel at the situation, then burn it and never touch the topic again.)
Regardless how you perceive his actions, you are going to have him as a father-in-law, besides which he will be your child’s grandfather until he dies. Human relations are matters of dealing with people, not enacting or extracting justice. I would chalk it up to an area in which your beliefs run counter to his, but i would not suggest ever making it an issue with him. It is past (even if it is not quite finished, yet.)
I also would not read too much into Arwin’s support for his father. You might probe Arwin’s reasoning a bit, (withholding judgment on any of his motives), but the first divorce occurred just as Arwin was going through puberty and all that associated trauma and he may have reasons to want to maintain good relations with his father that are buried in his personal history in a way that even he does not understand. (Comments that marriage is not forever–if that runs counter to your beliefs, despite your own issues–might be a red flag to make sure you talk it out until you each understand the other before making a public commitment. However, you need to concentrate on being sure that you have had the appropriate discussion, not guess at future actions based on partially understood (or misunderstood) actions or statements today.)
Thanks guys. Everyone’s perspective is greatly appreciated.
A week ago, I did write a card with a note to Annie, saying pretty much what eveyone suggested; that Andrew’s affair had been a very unpleasant surprise for us, that I was thinking of her and hoping she and her son Luke were okay, and would she let me know if there was anything I could do. Then, in a PS, I said I would love for her to be a part of my kids’ life, but that I would understand if she didn’t.
I haven’t heard back from Annie yet, but it felt good writing the note.
The only weird thing was that Arwin asked to be left out of it, so that took some caution in the wording to make clear the note was from me, without it being clear the note was only from me, if that makes any sense.
Heh. I did this exact same thing before having read this advice. It worked great.
A short update: Annie responded with a letter a week later. She said (and I could tell she meant it) that she really appreciated getting my letter. Then she shared some of the feelings she and her son Luke have gone through, which were as you’d expect. She also said she had been really happy and moved when she heard about my pregnancy. (She also enclosed a Hard-Rock cafe onesie she had bought with my pregnancy in mind when she visited Londen a couple months ago)
And that she was honored that I still offered her the grandma-role. But that she didn’t see that happening, for reasons she wrote she’d rather not get into.
(Personally, I suspect it has to do with the fact that Arwin looks the spitting image of his dad, and also because she senses Arwin’s relationship with her isn’t deeply personal). She will keep in touch with Arwins sister and her baby though; which I understand, as her bond with Arwin’s sister and her kid is much closer.
So that’s that. I kinda appreciate Annie’s friendly clarity; it is much harder to be straightforward about these things then saying “Sure, we’ll keep in touch” without intentions of doing so. Annie didn’t get to be a high ranking consultant without learning how to be tactfully straightforward and clear about decisions.
She did ask me to send pictures of the coming baby milestones, though. And I will do that, to keep the lines open, and maybe, maybe more is possible in the future.
And I still haven’t sent Andrew that recipy. Arwin has sent it instead. I’ve told both I’ve witheld information about the Secret Ingredient, though.
I think you did the right thing and, even if she chooses not to further your relationship right now, I’m sure it really means a lot to her that you wrote that letter.
Well, good. I’m glad you sent the letter. I’m glad you got a response–and I’m not surprised by the response you got. Friendly, but at a distance. The important thing is that you made the offer–no "what if?"s. And yes, it’s nice she told you up front that she’s just not that interested in playing Grandma.