Jan’s divorce is almost final. They were married for around 15 years (I forget the exact number) and her husband Bill grew very close with her family.
Jan has a niece who has known Bill all her life. Melinda is now 20 or 21 and has always adored her uncle. He taught her to drive a manual transmission, things like that.
Now that the marriage is over, apparently Melinda has stayed in contact with Bill, mostly via email.
Jan is deeply freaked out by this and has even said (to me, not to Melinda) that Bill is a “bad guy” and that Melinda should be careful.
In your own experiences, is Melinda’s continued relationship with Bill weird? Even if you don’t have experience with something similar, does it sound weird to you?
I’ll admit it does sound a bit weird to me, but I haven’t known that many divorced couples so I might be dealing with general unfamiliarity.
It doesn’t seem the least bit odd to me. The kid obviously had an important realtionship with this guy, and it’s not Jan’s place to end it. The testimony of an ex-wife that he’s a “bad guy” is a little unconvincing. If the girl’s parents know about it, I don’t see the problem. Jan may have thought she had gotten rid of the guy completely, and doesn’t want her family having any connection to him. That doesn’t make her a bad person, but it’s not an impulse that should be humored, I think.
I don’t find it strange at all. I still consider my uncle’s ex-wife as my aunt even though they’ve been divorced for…oh 20 some years. For a number of years we lived about a half mile from her and saw her more than we did my uncle and his new wife.
This has happened a few times in my own family. There are bonds formed between individuals that are stronger than a divorce. When someone has been a close member of your family for many years, there’s no reason to banish them from the family.
And what about when a family member dies? Three of my uncles (my mother’s brothers) have died, but their wives are still my aunts, just like they were before.
Why does Jan think that Bill is a “bad guy”? Ex-spouses, especially spouses who’ve only recently had the “ex-” tacked on, aren’t exactly known for being objective in their judgements of the person from whom they’ve just been divorced.
I think we’d have to know more about Bill, and maybe more about Jan, before we can say whether Melinda’s wise to stay in touch with him.
As far as Melinda feeling an attachment to him–I think that’s to be expected, really. And it speaks to Melinda’s credit that she still considers Bill her uncle, even though Bill and Jan are getting a divorce. The fact that Jan’s ended her marriage with Bill doesn’t make Bill any less of an uncle to Melinda.
No, why would that be weird? He’s been her uncle ever since she was five, and if they were close, I think it would be much weirder if she completely cut him off.
I don’t think it’s strange at all that she would want to continue a relationship with him. For her whole life, he’s been her uncle. As panache45 noted, sometimes bonds are created that are stronger than divorce.
I have personal experience with this. My husband and I have remained friends with his sister’s ex-husband. Their split was amicable and they still get along really well, so there’s no reason for us to cut him from our lives. My grandmother (dad’s mom) and my mom are still close, even though my parents are divorced. In fact, I think they get along better now that there isn’t that mother-in-law/daughter-in-law tension between them.
Bill cheated on Jan and, to be frank, I think Jan likes to invent ways in which Bill treated her badly. Her story has changed a couple of times (not regarding Melinda, but in ways to make herself look more put upon).
I think I found it surprising. My lack of experience with divorce made me assume that things would be one way (where everyone just sort of dropped all contact, I guess) instead of the real way. I can be really naive!
I kinda wish I’d kept in touch with my aunt’s ex-husband. He was a neat guy. Besides, my aunt fucked away off to New Zealand after they split up, so it’s not like I even see her anymore.
I agree with others. Why not let the kid (well, adult now) have htis bit of stability in her life. And I think he’s a good uncle for not letting the relationship die just because of the divorce.
My aunt divorced her husband when I was only a few months old, but I stayed in contact with him for years. He’s the father of two of my cousins, was my neighbor, and was involved in the family in numerous ways, even if he and my aunt no longer speak. Just because they’re no longer married doesn’t mean he isn’t still “Uncle Mark.”
Another example would be my “Aunt” Karen. My uncle had been involved with her for many years and they bought a house together, but never married. They split without ever having any children together. She remains an aunt in my mind, however, and will always be very dear to my heart, for having been a part of the family for so many years. Sure, she and my uncle hate each other for various reasons, but there’s a separate relationship that has continued between her and the rest of the family.
That’s right, she’s an adult. Disregard the part about whether hre parents know.
I think it’s perfectly natural to want evryone on your family to be on “your side.” I just don’t think it’s healthy for anyone involved, and especially the niece. She didn’t divorce him.
More I think about this more it makes me kind of sad. I miss my family, damnit. They’re all in India. I never see my favorite uncle. I haven’t seen him in…13 years now. I may only see him once more before he dies. Most of my family is over there…and yes, I have had to make substitutes.
Don’t break up perfectly healthy relationships for no good reason, please!
I have an uncle who I would continue to consider “kin” even if my mother’s sister (his wife) passed away. I can’t say divorced, because knowing the people concerned, I just can’t even imagine it. But the fact that I was close to their kids, my cousins, growing up plays a big part of it. Also, my own father died when I was young and he was my closest adult male relative. And there has never been anything “icky” about this relationship, either. Strictly family-values stuff.
If Jan is claiming Bill is a “bad guy” to the extent that people should avoid him, she really ought to back that up by pressing charges. If he’s a real danger, he’s probably a danger to society, not just Melinda.
OTOH, I wouldn’t dismiss everything Jan says out of hand just because she isn’t consistent. Apparently she stayed in a relationship where she was being hurt (in some way) for quite some time. It is a very vulnerable thing to admit you were in a situation where you were being taken advantage of, but didn’t act sooner. The lies you tell yourself sound a lot lamer when you try to explain them to someone else a few years down the road. So rather than making stuff up, she may be gradually admitting what she put up with to herself and others.
Or, of course, maybe she is just making stuff up, I don’t know her…
This reminds me of something that happened with the family of one of my close friends.
His sister divorced her husband of 10+ years. Pretty unremarkable in and of itself. However, 4 years later, everybody in the family is still close to the ex and invites him to events, etc. The sister? Not so much.
I’m guessing that’s not a side effect she anticipated.
My dad’s brother divorced my aunt years ago. He spent the last 25 years with another woman. I call both women “Aunt.” My uncle died and I still see both women. This is not even a little weird.
Not at all. My aunt and uncle divorced about four-five years ago. My uncle is my dad’s younger brother, and I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen him in my trips to Florida since the divorce. My aunt, OTOH, is in touch with me via email and phone constantly, and I stay with her when I’m in Florida. Just because she’s not married to my uncle anymore doesn’t mean she’s not still my family.
Depends. Hard to know without knowing the type of people both are. Does Jan suspect they’re having a relationship? It’s possible, she’s 21 and they really aren’t related.
It’s possible it’s perfectly platonic. It’s also possible that it’s something more.
One of my closest aunts, whom I love dearly as if she were my own flesh and blood, is divorced from my uncle (my mom’s brother). My whole family still regards her as part of our family.
I grew up with her, she has been around since I was born. Growing up, I had no concept that she wasn’t my biological aunt. Kids don’t know the difference or care. They view that person as their aunt or uncle, regardless of whether they are a biological relative or the spouse of a biological relative.