The effort I put into these gestures towards my ex have more to do with my son than with his father. I want our son to grow up to be thoughtful so I remind him of upcoming occasions, remind him again, and take stuff to the post office for him. He’s old enough to make or buy things on his own.
Now we’re approaching him being old enough to choose not to, also. Yikes.
My ex wasn’t great about that stuff when we were married so I knew better to expect anything along those lines from him.
I’m not divorced, but am father of a 2 year old. On Mothers day I made sure there was a gift “from” my daughter to her mother.
Yesterday for Fathers day we were traveling and it wasn’t acknowledged in any way.
It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m her father every day, and I don’t need a card or present for that.
Of course, I also hate getting birthday and christmas presents (I have enough crap to last a lifetime). Drives my in laws crazy.
Divorcing parent of a four-year-old girl. This year I got flowers and a card for Mother’s Day, he got a card, a good chocolate bar, and everything necessary to make some ice cream sundaes for the two of them. We don’t go all out, but we do try to make sure that we feel appreciated and respected.
When TheKid was little, her dad and I would discuss how to handle the Days. Some years, my Mother’s Day present was that he took her all weekend. Some years, his Father’s Day present was that she stayed with me that weekend.
When we were together, I would go all out for Father’s Day - despite not even receiving a passing recognition for Mother’s Day. Once we separated, I was too poor to buy him anything, but I still wished him a Happy Day. The only Day presents we received were that which were done at school or Sunday school.
After he started disappearing from her life, she started giving my dad her Father’s Day gifts. Now I receive them.
Whoa, you’ve met my ex?:eek:
My parents were divorced when I was ~10. I really don’t remember how Father’s Day went down, but for sure Mom didn’t acquire anything for us to give to Dad. She may or may not have mentioned that we should do something for Dad, but more likely it was on our radar screens regardless.
Wow, it’s really refreshing to see people who aren’t together making it work for the kids. I post on another board that’s about 90% women, and IRL, the vast majority of women want their kids to have a good relationship with their fathers. That’s not the case on this board. :eek: I will grant you that in many of the cases, it’s really obvious that the women are as dysfunctional as the men they chose to have their kids with, although that place is just like RL in that you cannot tell a divorced woman that you would have to hear the other side of the story to make any kind of judgment. :rolleyes:
And yes, these women are constantly critical of what their exes do for the kids, whether they’re required to do so or not. The most common thing I hear is that the kids see him only because she’s required by court order to allow (force?) it, and that he does things like not feed them the whole time, because he feels he already spends enough money on them via child support so he doesn’t have to. :dubious:
My daughter and I spent most of her childhood in hiding from her father, so we didn’t do Father’s Day.
It’s very nice that you help your children recognize their mother for Mother’s Day, and it would be nice if she reciprocated, but she doesn’t, so it’s up to you.
Although my parents were not separated, I have a precious memory of my mom taking me shopping for her birthday present when I was two or three years old. I had decided I wanted to get her perfume, using my pre-school logic that she did not have any and thus must need some, and uncharacteristically she went along with this. At Walgreens, we smelled all the perfumes and she narrowed it down to three she liked, then she closed her eyes and the wonderful perfume counter clerk helped me choose one and wrapped it up. Of course my mom was the one to pay for it, but I think she enjoyed the experience as much as I did, and I got to give her my “surprise” gift of Charlie. I think it was better than if my dad had just written my name on something, though my mom never did wear perfume very often and there was still plenty left in the bottle when I found it tucked away a few years ago. She’d have been wiser to have steered me towards something a bit more useful, no doubt.
Remind your kids of when the holidays are and make plans with them, take them shopping or out for ice cream, set them up with supplies to make you a card and leave the room, or give them a few dollars and take them to pick out a gift for you. Have fun with it, and don’t worry about what their mom should be doing.
My daughter just turned five and just this year picked up on what Father’s Day is about. She asked if she could get something for her daddy and, of course, I let her. But I don’t encourage it. He’s barely in her life as it is and I know he won’t appreciate it for what it is. If she brings it up in the future, I’ll support her and help her to get everything together. But I’m not going to remind her and would honestly prefer she didn’t get him anything. Then again, I’m still slightly bitter about his ‘relationship’ with her too.
No way! She did it just right. I guarantee you, she treasured the memory of that shopping trip, and that little bottle of mostly unused perfume made her smile every time she saw it. Using it wasn’t ever the point. <3
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got something in my eye. I think it’s a speck of sentiment. sniff
My boy is 17. His father is a deadbeat, I’ve spoken of him here before, etc.
When he was younger, I made sure he had a card to sign for Father’s Day and his dad’s birthday and Christmas. If he did something at school for the day, that got sent, too. It shat me to tears but I gritted my teeth and made do with the smug moral high ground of being the better human being and did it. (Of course I didn’t tell the kid that, and we had fun shopping for cards and mailing things - good times, that.)
Now that he’ll be 18 (OMFG how did that happen??) in 2.5 months, I just remind him a few times in the weeks prior, since he’ll have to post something. He has his own spending money. He has credit to call his dad. It’s up to him. I told his father last year that I was no longer the gatekeeper of their relationship. (Dad has to be reminded to call, answer Facebook messages and so forth, and not to be too gushing about his new stepkids.) I hope that’s working out for them. Sometimes I think it isn’t because my son comes to me about it but, you know, that’s up to them.
TL;DR - yes, I made sure Father’s Day/Birthday/Christmas was covered when he was younger, not so much now that he’s nearly an adult but I do remind him.
I think teaching by example is the best way. When MrTao and I got married, the boys were asking if they should call me Mom or keep on with my real name. At that point, they had 3 men they were calling Dad, and I know it hurt MrTaos feelings a lot, so I went with my real name, and told them they already had one mom. They still gave me homemade Mother’s Day cards and I cried, lol. The boys are good about calling on holidays and birthdays, so it’s good there, but even if they didn’t, MrTao would still remind them about Mother’s Day for their mom, cause you’ve gotta do what’s right.
On my sisters end, she gets happy Father’s Day stuff from her kids now. He has remarried twice since they knew him, left when they were infants, and is not around in any way.