Do you do anything or help your children do anything for Father’s Day?
I have been separated from my ex for 3 years or so and the divorce was final last December. Each year on Mother’s Day I make sure my kids have a gift for their mother. I also get her a card and a gift for being the mother of my children. This year we went out shopping and my kids picked out a necklace for her and I got her a card and a gift card.
Now I don’t expect much. But my kids didn’t even know that this weekend was Father’s Day. Not a card or anything. My girlfriend ran around unknown to me and got some things for me from them when she realized the situation. That should not be up to her, she has her own kids that she makes sure they get something for their father.
Now I know there will be a bunch of replies about shitty deadbeat exes. That is not the case here. We generally get along fine and have not had an argument in a long time. I didn’t leave her or cheat on her or fuck her over in any way. And she thinks I’m a good father. Is it too much to ask for her to make sure the kids at least know to acknowledge Father’s Day? Or is that just something me and my little circle do?
Apparently it is too much to ask. I think this is one of those situations where you are treating her like you would like to be treated, but for whatever reason she doesn’t feel compelled to do the same in return.
If I were you, I would not put the onus for what you want, onto someone else. If celebrating Father’s Day is important to you, then make it happen yourself. Plan something special for you and the kids, and explain to them why.
(I am a mom, with 2 young kids, and a spouse who is crap at organizing things. I buy myself a lovely Mother’s Day present and plan an outing for the four of us every year. I know they love me, I know they appreciate me, their abilities to show it on one particular day notwithstanding.)
Not exactly what I asked. What do you do, if anything, for him? I am just trying to get an insight into how others feel about their situation. I do for her because I think its the right thing to do. Gift or not means little to me. But I know how the lack of thought would be seen if the situations were reversed.
I check to make sure our daughter has something to give him. Her school is very good about having them make a little token for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day both. In fact, her teacher makes sure they have enough time and supplies to cover step-parents as well as bio parents, which I think is nice. This year it was an acrostic poem and a paper tie with crayon expressions of love. Her biodad got both; stepdad got only the paper tie.
I don’t feel compelled to spend my money on a storebought gift, though. If the school didn’t take care of it, I’d steer her towards making something similar at home.
I don’t give him anything from myself, but do post a blanket appreciation post for “all the fathers in my life” on Facebook, which he Likes, and that’s that. And the reverse for Mother’s Day.
Birthdays and Christmas I have a quick word with Stepmom, “Hey, you’re handling the kiddo’s gift to Dad, yes?” and Stepdad has the mirror conversation with Dad. I’d rather the co-habiting stepparent take care of it, as they have a better idea of what might be needed or appreciated, and it’s a nice little bonding time for each stepparent to have with the kiddo choosing the gift.
My kids are in the in between age where they are no longer doing craft gifts in school but they are too young to be going out and buying things for anyone (11 and 13).
My girls are 7 and 5, this was my weekend with them and they didn’t know it was father’s day. Didn’t even know what it meant. Like you I used to get things for their mother, let them pick things out, get a card and have them sign it.
I don’t think it’s asking much to have a card from the kids that they signed. I can, and did, plan my own day. The best ‘gift’ I ever got from them was two years ago they started dragging pieces of wood and pine cones around into a pile at a park. They told me it was my gift. Lot of dust in the air that day.
I don’t think it’s that unusual for divorced parents to want a little something from their children on Father’s/Mother’s day, birthdays, and other holidays. And I do feel that it’s the parents job to teach their children to do things for their parents, even if they aren’t together any more.
When she hits that age, I plan on making sure Stepmom’s got it covered. If Stepmom isn’t in the picture for some reason, then yes, I will take care of it. I do think it’s important to teach kids to give, and to consider that even if a holiday isn’t important to one, one should consider how the potential giftee feels. If Dad ever tells her that Father’s Day isn’t important to him, *then *she can skip the gift. Otherwise, gift it is, because the default assumption is that fathers would appreciate being acknowledged on Father’s Day in our culture.
This year both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day fell on weekends that I had them. As per our agreement we each have the option of having them on our days regardless of the schedule. I asked her if she wanted them on Mother’s Day and she did. So early Sunday morning I brought them to her.
Oh and there are no Step parents in the picture. I moved in with my girlfriend about a month ago but she is not their stepmother. My ex does not currently have a SO that I know of.
When my kids were younger, shortly after the divorce, I made a special day with them to buy something for Father’s Day, birthday and Christmas. My ex did not do the same. As a result, I had at least one Christmas where I got nothing from anyone. It made me sad, but I kept to the high road and continued the tradition until they were old enough to have their own money and driver’s licenses and ability to do so on their own. I texted both of them reminders yesterday to give their dad, who now lives several states away, a Father’s Day call. Don’t know if they did or not.
Maybe it’s just me, but that seems to be plenty old enough to either do their own craft gifts/cards or to see the umpty-billion Father’s Day sales ads that have been everywhere for the past 2 weeks and ask their mom “What are we doing for Daddy for Father’s Day?” Yeah, their mom should have prodded them if they didn’t think of you on their own, but they’re getting to the age that they really oughtn’t need a lot of prodding to give gifts on appropriate occasions.
Meh. My kids are 19 and 22. I took them out for dinner last night with wine and desert as well. Pretty sure they picked up the card on the way to meet me at the restaurant. But I had a wonderful time just being with the scamps.
The older one has ADHD and I’m trying to get her to see things beyond the tip of her nose but its a struggle. The younger one in mildly autistic and is often in her own little world. Both still need a lot of guidance. Although if you met the older one you would think you were talking to a 30 year old.
I have a ten year old with an ex who is hardly ever around (it’s not his “fault”, really; he paints bridges and his job has him all over the country) so they didn’t see each other yesterday even though, like you, the agreement is that we each get him on our day. I sent him a text to say happy father’s day and to make sure he was available for a phone call and then I had Alex call him. Ex was genuinely appreciative of that.
On Saturday we had been at the zoo where they had an activity as part of their edible exhibit (a vegetable garden) so Alex made him a garden marker for the pumpkins he grows every year. Of course, with his job, I don’t even know if he’ll be able to do that this year but it’s the thought, I guess.
And Alex used birthday money, which I secretly replaced, to get him a card to give to him the next time they’re together.
You have to be clear and loud if these things are important to you. I’m both a step dad and a real dad and if I had my way Father’s day would be done away with. So the the kid’s real dad needs to make his interest known.
My wife’s Ex was tireless in letting us all know when his special days were, what his rights were and what he expected (even if he was less than dependable himself.) It actually made things a lot easier in the long run. The kid was reminded well ahead of time that real dad would be waiting for his call and his card so we helped the kid do that, because otherwise it wouldn’t have even registered with any of us.
Well, this year for example, he took the kids out for a day of fun with lunch out and gave me a day off. The youngest came home with a gift from preschool, the eldest did not come home with one from grade school.
I firmly believe that if something is important to you (such as sentiment from kids on Father’s Day) then you teach them to do it - don’t look to a 3rd party to do it for you.
I’m right here with you on this one. I buy birthday gifts, Mother’s Day gifts and Christmas gifts. I even make sure when we go away on vacation that we get her something. These are not from me, I do not pick them out, I pay for them. I try and guide the kids on what to pick but that’s it.
In the last three years I’ve gotten a towel, I do swim so ok, a burned CD of music, and a photo of my oldest that I gave her. This past Christmas I did get some photos of my girls, in their wedding outfits as my ex had just gotten remarried. I hope she doesn’t think that such a gift upsets me, I displayed it.
Honestly I think such things are signs of bigger problems. My ex says she likes to co-parent, but when it comes to certain things she either refuses to talk to me, or waits months to say something. My oldest started asking about babies a couple of years ago, so I asked my ex how she wanted to handle it, she never responded. I don’t think she’s ever talked to the children about it. My children attend church, something we never did as neither of us believed in a god. When I asked why my girls were asking me about god and dying and such I didn’t know what to say. It took my ex two months to say yes they go to church.
I don’t care one bit what my ex does, but I do have a say in what happens to my children. It’s these kinds of things that show the children how to respect people, even if you are divorced. To me, not helping the children pick out gifts and such says you have no respect for them which in turn tells the kids they don’t have to have respect for people they may not get along with or even like.
I’m a divorced mother, and I made sure the kiddos got him a gift and a card, and a phone call yesterday (he works Sundays so they are celebrating today). I also make sure they get him a Christmas gift and birthday gifts. He has never helped them buy me anything for Mother’s Day or Christmas or my birthday, although they often make something for me themselves. I only kind of care; he was an asshole while we were married and I’d expect nothing less than for that to continue. He also has a type of blindness that makes it so he cannot see when the kids need new clothes or shoes, even though that’s something we’re supposed to split. But you know? Fuck it. I hate fighting with him and it isn’t worth it. I’m happy, the kids love me, I have all I need.
Anyway, I don’t think this is much of a gender based thing. Sometimes one parent is kind of shitty. Often, as in my case, it dates from long before the divorce (and probably is even a factor in the break up). Personally, I left his ass so I wouldn’t have to have these fights anymore, so I’m okay with it, but I’m also lucky enough to be able to give them what they need and then some.
Divorced mother of a 2 1/2 year old, my ex has yet to meet his daughter, and yes, I still sent a photo-card with pictures of her to him, “on her behalf”. I also do that for his birthday, and send his parents photo-cards on their birthdays and (grand)mothers/father’s days.
I’ve already said to nursery school that she shouldn’t be left out of Father’s Day stuff, so if she makes something crafty for him in future years, I’ll send it to him.
