That’s my favorite line in “Holy Grail”
Funniest single line for me would be, “It’s the Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man.” But I may be biased because the audience in the theatre (including myself) seemed to be having group hysteria over that film. I would not be surprised if some people actually peed their pants.
I always loved this bit from Friends
CHANDLER: Yo, Paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec. Your tailor is a very bad man!
JOEY: Frankie? What are you talking about?
ROSS: Hey, what’s going on? (Taps on CHANDLER on the shoulder, CHANDLER acts defensive)
CHANDLER: Joey’s tailor…took advantage of me.
ROSS: What?
JOEY: No way! I’ve been going to the guy for 12 years.
CHANDLER: Oh come on! He said he was gonna do my inseam, then he ran his hand up my leg, then there was definite…
ROSS: What?
CHANDLER: Cupping.
JOEY: That’s how they do pants! First they go up one side,then they move it over and then they go up the other side, then they move it back, then they do the rear.
(Amazed stares from ROSS and CHANDLER)
JOEY: What? Ross will you tell him isn’t that how a tailor measures pants.
ROSS (to CHANDLER): Yes, yes it is…(to JOEY) in prison!
Fry and Laurie were masters of banter. One of my faves from the veterinary sketch:
Fry: …and I make myself a cheese and tommy-toe toastie.
Laurie: A what? A cheese and what?
Fry: Tommy-toe! Tommy-toe! Tommy-toe!
Laurie: TOMATO.
Fry: Tommy-toe! Tommy-t—
Laurie: Don’t say it again!
Just saw one of my favorites, on a repeat of Big Bang Theory, the infamous Robot Hand episode. Howard has used a NASA robotic arm inappropriately and now it has a “death grip on his junk”.
Hospital Nurse: My, my, my, what do we have here?
Wolowitz: I slipped and fell.
Nurse: Yeah, we get that a lot.
(Nurse looks at blanket, looks under blanket) What is this?
Wolowitz: It’s a robot arm.
Nurse: Where’s the rest of the robot?
Wolowitz: I only built the arm.
Nurse (knowingly): 'Cause that’s all you needed, right?.
Scene here, starting at 1:55 (although the whole clip is funny).
Yeah, I remember that one.
Showing my age, but “Who’s on first ?” especially the “Naughty Nineties” version. Perfect comic timing. When this bit is read, in print, it doesn’t appear funny, at all. But it’s magic when Bud and Lou perform it. Seinfeld says this is his favorite.
Second choice, Bill Murry in Caddyshack; the scene where he holds a pitchfork at the neck of a caddy and tells the story of his Dali Lama caddy experience; “So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice”.
From MAS*H:
BJ [singing]: Git along, little doggie…
Hawkeye: I had a long little doggie once. A Dachshund.
BJ: Oh a little hot dog. What happened to it?
Hawkeye: It got all mustered out.
BJ: I relish these conversations.
Also:
Klinger: (afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don’t get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don’t get kids.
Deep Space Nine, “In the Pale Moonlight”:
Sisko: Aren’t you supposed to be watching Tolar?
Garak: I locked him in his quarters. I also left him with the distinct impression that if he attempts to force open the door, it may explode.
Sisko: I hope that’s just an impression.
Garak: It’s best not to dwell on such minutiae.
Deep Space Nine, “Take Me Out to the Holosuite”
[Sisko is speaking to Odo, the umpire for the baseball game.]
Sisko: That was low and away! What were you doing? Regenerating?!
“Liar, Liar”
Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He wants your legal advice.
Fletcher [grabs phone]: STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!
A couple more from Friends:
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he’s in the same place you are. Otherwise, it’s just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It just doesn’t matter. It’s moo.
Joey: Hey Ross. If homo sapiens were in fact “homo sapiens”, could that be why they’re extinct?
Ross: Joey, homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey! I’m not judging here.
Eddie Braben, the writer for Morecambe and Wise, was the king of this. My favorite joke remains the line about ice cream, starting at 5:28 in this clip (I can’t remember how to link to a specific point in a video).
Or, for his best full sketch, you can’t do better than Morecambe and Wise’s interaction with conductor Andre Previn(who, to his credit, is a master of deadpan). If you’ve never seen this, you’re in for a real treat.
From The Devil’s Rejects. Our murderous anti-heroes are driving down the highway and see a sign for an icecream shop 10 miles down the road:
Baby: Just in case anyone’s interested, I think I’m gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.
Otis: [in a mocking tone] “I think I’m gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.”
Baby: Don’t you fucking imitate me, it’s fucking rude!
Baby: [mocking]"I know what I know and I know I don’t like that nut sack… " (Otis had said this earlier)
Otis: Fuck you.
Baby: Fuck you!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Two fucking seconds for the kid, is that gonna kill you?
Otis: Yes, it is going to kill me! I have calculated the time, and two seconds is the exact amount of time that is a hazard to my fucking health.
Baby: What the fuck is your problem? I’m in and out in two seconds!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: You know? I think I’m gonna get me some tutti fucking fruity.
Baby: Tutti fucking fruity, that sounds good!
Otis: There is no fuckin’ ice cream in your fuckin’ future.
edit that jumps a few minutes into the future with Baby & Captain Spaulding eating icecream cones while Otis has a sour look on his face
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Mmmm. Deee-licious!
Baby: [to Otis]I don’t know why you have to be such a grouch, this is really good.
IPPA Computer: Welcome to the Identity Processsing Program of Uhmerica! Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle!
[Joe inserts his arm]
IPPA Computer: Thank you! Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card, document G24L8!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: I’m not sure if…
IPPA Computer: You have entered the name “Not Sure.” Is this correct, Not Sure?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, it’s not correct…
IPPA Computer: Thank you! “Not” is correct. Is “Sure” correct?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, it’s not, my name is Joe…
IPPA Computer: You have already confirmed your first name is “Not.” Please confirm your last name, “Sure.”
Pvt. Joe Bowers: My last name is not “Sure!”
IPPA Computer: Thank you, Not Sure!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, what I mean is my name is Joe…
IPPA Computer: Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm!
Idiocracy
Tugg Speedman: Just wish I had a director like this on Jack.
Kirk Lazarus: On Jack. What? Jack? What you talking about?
TS: Simple Jack.
KL: Oh, yeah. Simple Jack, yeah. You went all out on that one, huh? You did. Really swung for the fences, huh?
TS: Thank you. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know. I just did the work. Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them. Observed them. Watched all the retarded stuff they did.
KL: Then again, I always found mere observation in and of itself is a tad rudimentary. Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt. Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know.
TS: Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly. You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded, like really retarded.
KL: Oh, yeah.
TS: I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded, I rode the bus retarded…
KL: Damn!
TS: In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.
KL: To be a moron.
TS: Yeah.
KL: To be moronical.
TS: Exactly, to be a moron.
KL: An imbecile.
TS: Yeah…
KL: Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.
TS: When I was playing the character.
KL: When you was the character.
TS: Yeah, as Jack, definitely.
KL: Jack, stupid ass Jack.
TS: Trying to come back from that. In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn’t retarded, and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, “Wait a minute, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jump start it up again?” It’s just like… right?
KL: Yeah. You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off.
TS: Yeah.
KL: But Simple Jack thought he was smart, or rather, didn’t think he was retarded, so you can’t afford to play retarded, being a smart actor. Playing a guy who ain’t smart but thinks he is, that’s tricky.
TS: Tricky.
KL: It’s like working with mercury! It’s high science, man. It’s an art form.
TS: Yeah.
KL: You an artist. That’s what we do, right? Yeah.
TS: Yeah.
KL: Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.
TS: About what?
KL: You’re serious? You don’t know? Everybody knows you never go full retard.
TS: What do you mean?
KL: Check it out- Dustin Hoffman, “Rain Man,” looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, f’sho. Not retarded.
Then you got Tom Hanks, “Forrest Gump.” Slow, yes; retarded, maybe, braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and he won a Ping-Pong competition? That ain’t retarded. And he was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes?
[Tugg shakes head]
You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.
You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam.” Remember? Went full retard, Went home empty-handed…
Tropic Thunder
From Saved by the Bell:
ZACK: Screech, you can’t elope!
SCREECH (indignant): Who’re you calling a cantaloupe, you melonhead?
I think that’s the only line I remember from that entire show. 
It’s kind of sad that out of all the great comedy lines from shows I’ve seen, the only line I can remember comes from a bad '80s teen show. 
[opens back of SUV, pulls out various weapons and tools, including a Garden Weasel]
Columbus: Jesus christ. You are a dangerous man. You’re gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie?
Tallahassee: There’s a boxes of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Someday very soon, life’s little Twinkle gauge is gonna go empty. Time to nut up or shut up!
Jack Benny and Mel Blanc do Si, Cy.
In “Men in Tights”. That is pretty damn funny throughout. But, a little exchange between Maid Marian and her lady-in-waiting: She is speaking, wistfully, about her new-found love, Robin Hood, and her servant gives her some reason to hope to which she responds, “Oh, t’were it true, t’would be…t’werrific.”
And “Young Frankenstein” is a hoot; pick-out any scene.
This isn’t a bit or a scene, just something I read about Groucho. The Marx Brothers were really popular,again, in the early seventies. Not so much nowadays, but in college we spent many a night watching old movies (black and white!), in the days before cable.
Irving Berlin wrote only one song for a movie score and it was “I’ll be loving you, always”. Groucho complained to Berlin that the name of that song didn’t really fit his
(Groucho’s) image. He asked if he could change it to, “I’ll be loving you, Thursday”.
I loved the Marx brothers. Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got there, I’ll never know.
After all these years, I still crack up when I hear Art Carney say “Helloooo ball.”
There was a scene on the Odd Couple where Felix lost his voice. Of course, he was also having his sinus attacks as well. However, he couldn’t give his distinctive honk. So, he wrote on a blackboard (I don’t remember why it was there) the word “HONK!”
Later that evening, burglars broke into the apartment. They came across the blackboard with the word “HONK!” on it. They looked at each other in puzzlement. Finally, one of them said “Maybe they teach geese.”
Zev Steinhardt
Love it! The “You can tell me, I’m a doctor” line cracks me up every time.
Great movie.
Sure you all know Joe Pesci’s “Funny How” speech from Goodfellas, the story he tells that prompts Ray Liotta to say “You’re a funny guy” is hilarious.
