My favorite quote is from The Blackadder. McAngus has just been awarded the three fiefdoms of the current Duke of Edinburgh (Edmund, The Blackadder), namely Selkirk, Roxburgh and Peebles. McAngus takes Edmund aside and says:
“So how does it feel to no longer be able to pass laws over Scotland?”
Edmund’s reply: “I wouldn’t pass water over Scotland!”
This is my favorite sequence from The Good Show (Brit radio comedy from the 50’s, written by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes; starred MIlligan, Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe).
Henry Crun is an old man. Minnie Bannister is a timid old woman. In most episodes they are a couple with some kind of non-specific relationship. In this episode, Henry is coming home late at night (you really might want to listen to the clip, it loses a lot in the transcription):
Henry: Now, what have I done with my front door key? Let me see: trouser cupboard, wine cellar, water tap, butter dish, Minnie’s ginger wine still - drat it! Every key but the front door. Oh well.
(knocks on door)
Minnie: Ooohhh, oh dear, we’ll all be murdered in our beds - who’s that down there?
(a few lines I can’t make out)
Henry: It’s the front door, I’ve lost my key, Min.
Minnie: Oh dear, I’m, I’m coming, buddy.
(Sound effect of footsteps coming down a flight of stairs.
Sound effect of footsteps coming down a second flight of stairs.
Then a third flight.
Then a fourth flight, a fifth flight, and a sixth flight. Some pauses between flights, for effect).
(Long pause.)
Henry: I can’t understand it, we live in a bungalow!
(Door is unlocked and opened.)
Minnie: Now what’s all this, Henry? What is it?
Henry: I can’t get in, Min, I’ve dropped my key out in the dark and I can’t see.
Minnie: Oh, well, why don’t you come inside in the light and have a look for it.
Henry: Thank you, Min.
(Door closes.)
Minnie: Now, hurry up, Henry.
Henry: I will, I will - don’t go back to bed, Min, I’m not in yet.
Minnie: Hurry up, I don’t want to wait up all night, waiting for you to come home.
Henry: Well don’t rush me, Min. As soon as I find my key, I’ll let myself in. Drat it, I can’t find it, I can’t find the key!
Minnie: Well why don’t you knock? I’ll let you in.
Henry: All right.
(Door opens and closes (Henry, presumably, goes out). Henry knocks on door.)
Minnie: Oooohhh, who’s that?
Henry: It’s me, Minnie - Henry.
Minnie: Henry? Haven’t you got a key? (door opens) Come inside, buddy, you’re lucky I wasn’t in bed, you know.
Henry: Terrible news, Min, terrible. The world is coming to an end.
Minnie: Ooohhh, I’d better go and get the washing in.
Roddy
EQUAL TIME FOR SCOTS!
An Englishwoman goes into a meat market in Glasgow. She tells the butcher: “I want a sheep’s head, and it must be English!”
The butcher flings a head to his assistant and says, “Here, Jock, tak’ th’ brains oot o’ this!”
Groucho to Margaret Dumont: Ever since I met you…I’ve swept you off my feet.
Carol Burnett:I saw it in a window and just couldn’t resist."
From Zardoz:
Friend: Arthur! We’ve all been used!
Arthur Frayn: And re-used.
Friend: And abused!
Arthur Frayn: And amused!
Any number of scenes from Taxi:
Reverend Jim: How many drugs do you think I have used, in my lifetime?
Elaine: A lot.
Rev. Jim: Wow, right on the nose!
And of course, the scene where Rev. Jim gets his taxi license.
Jeff (reading from the application): Mental illness, or narcotic addiction?
Rev. Jim: That’s a tough choice.
Regards,
Shodan
Another from Taxi. Reverend Jim has taken a woman to a restaurant on a date. Jim wants to order wine, and the waiter asks, “Do you want a bottle or a glass?” Jim responds, “I don’t need a glass.”
From the episode of Frasier where Lilith wants to have another baby with Frasier, Frasier asks about the details
Frasier: Would we sleep together?
Lilith: I thought we’d freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a yes or a no?
And then at the fertility clinic where Frasier will donate his sample and another patient asks Frasier
Patient: Will this be your first?
Frasier: No, I’ve been doing this since I was twelve.
And then when Lilith keeps interrupting Frasier as he is trying to produce his sample
Lilith: Try to think positive thoughts… put the welfare of the sample first… just a hint…
Frasier: Lilith! If there is one thing I can do BY MYSELF, this is it!
From All in the Family, “Glortia’s Boyfriend,” with Richard Masur as the retarded grocery box-boy George Bushmill:
(Georgew got fired. He returned to the Bunkers’ to “show therm,” and, as his father, who is also there., tells Archie and the oth ers, he’s going to show them something. IUt’s a framed syaying.: “Everyone is my superior in that I may learn fromi him.” Archie reads it out louyd.)
George: Oh, you reasd that real good, Mr;. Bunker.
Archie: Thanks. George. What the hell does it mean?
Mike: It means everyo0ne is smartert than you, Arch!
(continued)
George: Oh, no, Mike, it means that anyone can learn from anyone! Even from me.
Mike: “Every man is my superior in that I can learn from him.” I wonder who said that?* [audience laughs]*
Edith: I think it was David Carradine in King Fu!
(Archie is stunned). He says, “I thiunk she’s right!”
Anybody remember Herman’s Head from the 1990s? It had some of my favorite lines of all time.
Scene between Herman and his coworker, Hedy. Hedy is a gold digger who is constantly trying to use sex to get ahead. Herman is sitting at his desk when Hedy walks in, wearing an extremely short, tight skirt:
Hedy: Herman, do you think my skirt is too tight?
Herman: Not if you’ve been shot in the ass and you’re trying to stop the bleeding.
Hedy: Oh, good!
My second-favorite line from that show was a fourth-wall-breaking moment based on the fact that many/most of the actors were also voice actors from The Simpsons. The office receptionist, Louise, was played by Yeardley Smith.
In this particular scene, Louise has been speaking on the phone with somebody, and suddenly, she stand up and yells something like, “Yeah, same to you, buddy!” and slams the phone down. Everybody in the office turns to look at her in surprise.
Louise: That jerk said I sound just like that Lisa Simpson character!
Some of my favorites from Ghostbusters:
Peter: We came, we saw, we KICKED ITS ASS!
–
Ray: Spengler, I’m with Venkman. He got slimed!
Egon: That’s GREAT, Ray! Save some for me!
–
Janine: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
Winston: Ah, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
–
Ray: Everything was going fine until the power grid was shut off by Dickless here.
Peck: THEY caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Peter: Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick.
From Groundhog Day:
Rita: I like to see a man of advancing years throwing caution to the wind. It’s inspiring in a way.
Phil: My years are not advancing as fast as you might think.
–
Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
Ralph: That about sums it up for me.
I know almost nothing about Moore & Cooke’s comedy, but I saw this routine once years ago and it’s stuck with me ever since.
Also: “The leg division, Mr. Spigot, you are deficient in it to the tune of one.”
I’m not sure why we’re spoiling 50-year-old comedic lines, but I’ll not go against the grain needlessly.
Les Nessman’s turkey speech from WKRP in Cincinatti.
Herb Tarlek, saying faux pax instead of faux pas
Les Nessman and his walls. His walls!
Johnny Fever saying Booger.
Johnny Fever saying ‘more news and Les Nessman’ or that might have been Venus Flytrap.
Whomever said ‘As god is my witness, I thought turkey’s could fly’
Herb saying to Jennifer, ‘Muy dinero’ and Jennifer replying, ‘Herb, that means very money’
W.C. Fields, unwilling to admit that the orange grove he has invested in was a swindle, examining a scraggly bit of dead vegetation: “Evidently a young orange tree.”