Priest and a rabbi walking along when they spot a six-year old. The priest says “Hey, you want to take that kid behind the bushes and screw him?” Rabbi responds “Out of what?”
Works well if you can do a Jewish accent.
That’s not clean in the least bit.
I love the old Good Show…
Henry Crun:
…Here, Minnie, hold my elephant gun.
Minnie Bannister:
Oh dear, I don’t know what you brought it for, you can’t shoot elephants in England you know!
Henry Crun:
Mnk? Why not?
Minnie Bannister:
They’re out of season.
Henry Crun:
Oh. Does this mean we shall have to have pelican for dinner again?
Minnie Bannister:
I fear so, I fear so!
Henry Crun:
Then I’ll risk it. I’ll shoot an elephant out of season.
Minnie Bannister:
You can’t shoot an elephant out of season.
Henry Crun:
Yes I can Minnie!
Minnie Bannister:
Elephants mustn’t be shot out of season!
Greenslade:
Listeners who are listening will, of course, realise that Minnie and Henry are talking rubbish; as erudite people will realise, there are no elephants in Sussex. They’re only found in Kent. North of a line drawn between two points thus making it the shortest distance.
-from The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler (Of Bexhill-On-Sea), 1954
Why does the Marxist drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft.
On the scale of dirty jokes, it rates a one.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What is a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
Another snail joke:
One day a man hears a knock on his front door and finds a large snail on his step.
The snail asks “May I have a glass of water?”
“No”, shouts the fellow and hurls the snail across the street.
One year later, same fellow opens his front door, sees the same snail who shouts “What was that all about!?”
Why can’t Helen Keller have children?
Because she’s dead.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
There’s this brand-new guy who is getting used to spending the rest of his life in prison. The first night in his cell, he is mystified by guys in other cells shouting out numbers:
“316,” someone says from cell down the block. A few of the prisoners chuckle.
“29,” says someone else, and everyone gives a good laugh.
“153,” says the guy sharing his cell, and the other prisoners groan.
He’s really curious about what is going on, so he asks his cellmate about it. “Well,” says the cellmate, “We’ve all been in here for so long, that we know all the jokes, so to save time, we just gave them numbers. When someone wants to tell a joke, they just shout out it’s number.”
The new guy decides to give it a try, and he shouts out “423.”
All the other prisoners laugh uproariously - his cellmate looks like he’s about to bust a gut. When the laughing settles down, he asks his cellmate why that one was so funny.
“Well,” said the cellmate, “We’d never heard that one before!”
ETA: alternative ending:
The new guy decides to give it a try, and he shouts out “423.”
Nobody laughs.
He asks his cellmate why nobody thought it was funny, and the guy says “Some people don’t know how to tell a joke.”
Pete and Repete sat on a fench. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
An Italian painter was hired to do some touch-ups and restoration work on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel. He was up on a very high scaffold, restoring the luster to Michelangelo’s masterpiece.
He happened to look down, and far below, he saw a frail, little, old Italian lady in the pew, saying her prayers. He decided to play a joke on the lady.
He called down, “Ollld ladyyyyyy… this is Jesus calling you!”
She didn’t respond at all. He figured she might be hards of hearing, so he tried again,a bit louder, “OLLLLD LAAAADYYYY… THIS IS JESUS CALLING YOUUUUU!”
She looked up for a moment, then went back to her prayers.
The painter decided to give his joke one last try. At the top of his lungs, he cried out “OLLLD LAAAADYYYYY… THIS IS JEEEESUS CALLING YOUUUUUUU!”
The exasperated lady looked up and yelled “Shut up! I’m a-talking to-a you MOTHER!”
If you are Russian before…
And you are Finnish after…
What are you in the middle?
European.
Did you hear about the satellite dishes who got married?
The ceremony was alright, but the reception was great.
You have to do the snap!
Courtesy of my four year old:
O’Mally comes in the bar every night, orders 3 shots of Whiskey, downs them, pays his tab, & leaves. One night, the bartender’s curiosity gets the better of him & he asks, “Seamus, why is it always three shots that you drink?”
“Ahh” O’Malley replies, “Yesee, I have two brothers in the auld country. I drink a shot for meself and one for each of them.” He drinks his shots & leaves.
One night, about a year later, O’Malley comes in looking very sad. He orders only two shots & mournfully drinks them both. As he is getting ready to pay, the bartender lays a hand on his arm.
“These are on the house, Seamus. I’m very sorry about your Brother.”
O’Malley looks confused & says. What d’ye mean? Me brothers are fine!"
“But you only orderd two shots!” Says the bartender .
O’Malley nods sadly. "Oh, that…
I give up drinkin’
A guy puts an ad in Craigslist to hire someone to paint his porch.
A young lady shows up, with a bucket of tools, chewing some gum and says - “I’d like to get the job painting your porch.”
The guy asks for a quote and she says “I looked it over already, should be an easy job, let’s say $100”
The guy is shocked, the porch is pretty big, but what the hell, he agrees, and goes back inside his house while she works.
About an hour later, the doorbell rings, and it’s the girl - “The job’s all done and by the way, it’s not a porch, it’s a Lamborghini.”
It was really goon, wasn’t it?