I like “Sweet fancy Moses!” and “Sweet cracker sandwich!”, both courtesy of Get Fuzzy. For some reason, I’ve also taken to saying “super” both for things that are good (super!) and for things that are not good (oh, super.). Not sure where that’s coming from.
Shit fiddles
Christ on a crutch
Fuck me running
Jesus tits
Etc.
I’ve managed to cure myself of saying “Have Fun” as a parting phrase.
I don’t know how I started or why I couldn’t shake it. eh.
Whenever my husband and I finish arguing, we end with a sigh and say, ‘‘Let’s never fight again.’’ The tone is key here. The more optimistic and Pollyanna sweet, the better. This gets funnier and funnier every time.
Whenever we finish debating a hot political or moral issue, we say, ''Thus solving the problem ''ONCE AND FOR ALL!"
I have yet to drop the term ‘‘Butt Fuck Egypt’’ from my vocabulary. If something is out in the middle of nowhere, it’s in Butt Fuck Egypt, or BFE if circumstances dictate. It’s been this way since high school. I’ve never really been to this special region of Egypt with a remarkably high incidence of buttfucking, but there you go.
Asswipe and tosser.
Tosser for when the kid will tell me off for swearing at that … TOSSER who just ran the red light. Best effect is with a strong Yorkshire accent just on the one word (Tahss-arrr). I don’t know why.
Asswipe as an intensifier - that asswipe piece of *shit * who just ran the red light.
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
In order to use the F bomb and yet not, my brother and I use too abbreviate. “NFP,” if an adult asked, stands for “No Problem.” NFW, no way. BFD, big deal. TFC, too cool. UBFL, unbelievable.
Granted this has only been used once, but I loved it so much. My boyfriend was talking about a new movie that had recently came out, didn’t remember which one, and said “That stupid one with Shithead McFuckfart!” And I responded “Oh, Good Luck Chuck?” And somehow I was exactly right. Dane Cook, you no longer go by your Christian name in my household!
I’m rather partial to “Christ on a cracker!”
I use “Okey dokey, artichokey” a lot. Also, as an affirmative, “Yes indeedy-doody, daddy!”
“Crap a litter of kittens,” as in “You’re going to cut Marge’s budget by 35%? She’s gonna crap a litter of kittens!”
And the classic Arte Johnson-esque “Ve-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ery interesting. But not funny.”
I really like “useless as tits on a fan belt.” I’ve gotta figure out a way to work that into a conversation.
[QUOTE=Slypork]
Tell him that you are actually extending him an invitation. 
That will change his tune.
[/QUOTE]
Now that’s a thought. Win-win situation, no? 
Shamrock and roll. - Let’s go.
Rock, rock on. - Cool, good, affirmative
Well, fuck my tits!/Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch! - Well, I’ll be damned!
Whatever, y’all. - I don’t care about your opinion, I’ll keep on doing things my way. Usually said with a Britney Spears twang.
What the shit is this fuck? - What the fuck is this shit?
Jesus H. Christ (on a piece of toast)! - A general exclamation of frustration.
I really like “Useless as tits on a dirigible”, I’m going to try to start using that. I also use “For fuck’s sake!” a lot. I think I may swear too much.
[QUOTE=WhyNot]
One of my favorites in response to poor communication is: “Could you be more vague?” said sweetly and genuinely.
Only one person has ever gotten the answer right*, and I’ll love him until the day I die, although our relationship ended in fiery turmoil back in college.
*“Possibly.”
[/QUOTE]
Yup. Now I love him, too.
When a little decorum is called for: “Holy St. Patrick” or “for the love of Mike”
[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
I have yet to drop the term ‘‘Butt Fuck Egypt’’ from my vocabulary. If something is out in the middle of nowhere, it’s in Butt Fuck Egypt, or BFE if circumstances dictate. It’s been this way since high school. I’ve never really been to this special region of Egypt with a remarkably high incidence of buttfucking, but there you go.
[/QUOTE]
I still use variations of this such as Bumble Fuck Tennessee, Bung Fuck Egypt, etc or a different one started a few years ago: East Buttcrack, Tennessee.
Another strange-but-favorite is “Jesus Christ on a popscicle stick”.
And I think that I will add “useless as tits on a fan belt” to my repetoire.
I tend to use ‘Charlie Foxtrot’ instead of cluster fuck. Those in the know get it, and it confuses the naifs. Similarly, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Jesus Hashimoto Kee-ryest is also a favorite.
On a little cleaner note, there’s “Cuter than a bushel of freckled puppies”,
[QUOTE=Queen of Town]
I think I may swear too much.
[/QUOTE]
Is this even possible?
Dazz, the Queen of Cursing, who probably curses and swears waaaay too much herself.
[QUOTE=VunderBob]
On a little cleaner note, there’s “Cuter than a bushel of freckled puppies”,
[/QUOTE]
I’ve got a friend we usually refer to as being “cuter than a box of kittens” until she says something gross about, for instance, getting drunk and wetting the bed.
Then she’s killed the kittens.
[QUOTE=freckafree]
I’m rather partial to “Christ on a cracker!”
[/QUOTE]
I prefer the improved version of “sweet spreadable christ on a cracker!” 
In terms of phrases I actually use, I’m going to have to go with “No worries!”
Works in every possible situation.
The usuals, like “what the fuck?” are common enough for me.
But I also use things my mother has taught me: “Well shit fire and save matches!” and “You don’t have the sense God gave a mentally-retarded crowbar.”
And then there’s the stuff I pick up at work: “Really?”, “seriously?”, “who does that?”, “what is wrong with these people?”, “ugh, my life is over”, and others.
I also like “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph”.
[QUOTE=Dunawake]
I prefer the improved version of “sweet spreadable christ on a cracker!”
[/QUOTE]
I think I first heard here the exclamation “Chocolate Christ on a cookie cross!”
We seem to have omitted “Jesus Christ in a go-kart!”
And a standard Southern-ism (at least according to the email it came in): make belittling statement, followed by “bless his/her heart,” e.g.: “Well, she just can’t seem to find a man, bless her heart!” If the target is really pathetic, add “poor,” as in, “He’s just having trouble keeping a job, bless his poor heart!”
[QUOTE=Slithy Tove]
(from a similar thread years ago) when a customer is indecisive:
“You’re the one fucking this chicken, I’m just here to hold the wings.” …<snip>
[/QUOTE]
[bolding mine]
[pleasepardonthedrivebypost]
My wife just came running in to see what I was choking on - all I could do was point at my monitor.
No doubt about it - that one line just payed for my membership here!
Now I’ve just gotta figure out how to work it into the next conversation with my new (incredibly indecisive) regional manager.*
Lucy
*Should be pretty easy - he hasn’t made an actual decision in the last three months …
[/enddrivebypost]