Favorite Joss Whedon Lines

Favorite lines, or dialogues from any of his mediums, or from the man himself. Films, comics, TV etc.

Let’s hear’em.

I’ll start with a favorite from Firefly.

Capt. Mal - Anybody tries to stop you, shoot’em … politely.

Wash - Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

Jane - You can’t change that by getting all … bendy.

Mal - I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.

Mal - Well, my days of not takin’ ya seriously are certainly comin’ to a middle.

Mal - Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.

Mal: Darn.
Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ‘til ya understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.
River: Also? I can kill you with my brain.

Firefly is the most quotable IMO.

Simon to Jayne: “You’re like a trained ape. Without the training.”

Mal: They’re about. Find us a home. I’ll take the shuttle a little closer. Zoe, ship is yours. Remember. If anything happens to me or if you don’t hear from me within the hour, you take this ship and you come and you rescue me.

Zoe: [Jokingly] What? Risk my ship?

Mal: I mean it. It’s cold out there. And I don’t wanna get left.

Buffy: It is a sham. But it’s a sham with yams. It’s a yam sham.

Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe and now I’m stuck at Sunnydale High! Mortal. Child. And I’m flunking math.

Steve Rogers: There’s only one God, ma’am, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.


“She’s a witch?”
“Yes, Jayne, she’s had congress with the Beast.”
“She’s in Congress??”

“I got a share in this job. Ten percent of nuthin’ is. . . let me do the math . . . nuthin’, and nuthin’, carry the nuthin’. . .” - I’m not a huge Adam Baldwin fan, but he NAILED this role. He finally got to play a character that wasn’t a military type with a board up his ass. They all did, really.

Mal: 'Pears we got here just in the nick of time. What’s that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain’t we just?

Turek posted another favorite of mine:
Mal: Well, my days of not takin’ ya seriously are certainly comin’ to a middle.
Great characters, great dialog, great casting. I sincerely believe none of them will ever get a better, juicier role.

“Did I fall asleep?”
“For a little while.”

Anya: Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes! They got them hoppy legs and them twitchy little noses! And what’s with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Bunnies, bunnies, it must be bunnies! Or maybe midgets.

Wash: I definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down! Her legs, and right where her legs meet her back. That - actually that whole area. That and - and above it.

Spike: Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.

Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin’s Day speech, was it?

Giles: [picking up remaining weapons] We few, we happy few…

Spike: …we band of buggered.

The hammer’s my penis.

Firefly, of course:

Jayne: Testing. Testing, Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I’m standing right here.
Jayne: You’re coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I’m standing right here.

“What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward?”
“Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.”
“And what does that mean to you?”
“It means someone really wanted our initials to spell out shield.”


Doctor, I’m takin’ your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears.

“I am a GOD, you dull creature, and I will NOT be bullied by the likes of-”
<Hulk Smash>
“Puny god.”

More Dr. Horrible:

Billy: I wanna do great things, you know? I want to be an achiever, like Bad Horse.
Penny: The Thoroughbred of Sin?
Billy: … I meant Gandhi.

Dr. Horrible: Hey, didn’t you, uh, didn’t you go on a date last night? Conflict Diamond told me that you were doubling with Bait and Switch.
Moist: Yeah…
Dr. Horrible: Yeah?
Moist: It was all right; I kinda thought I was supposed to end up with Bait, but-
Dr. Horrible: [wincing] I hear ya.

Dr. Horrible: Smells like cumin.

Durran Haymer to Mal: I appreciate your honesty. Not…you know…a lot.

Loki: I have an army.
Tony Stark: We have a Hulk.

Anya: I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: [Thanksgiving’s] not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It’s a ritual sacrifice. With pie.