Russian Federation and the Ukraine :dubious:
Avoid Basque friends. No gushing, but on one hand we don’t believe in “working to keep up the friendship” and on the other it’s because once you’re in, you need to kill our dog to get kicked back out. You can run into someone you haven’t seen or talked to in 15 years and have them offer you their unused room for your child that’s going to college in their town (a child they last saw when he was 2yo), and mean it.
Lily found a can of spray paint. Do you know how much damage an almost-4-year-old can do in six or seven minutes? I can tell you:
She tagged two windows, the coffee table, the mantel, the love seat, the living room floor, four kitchen cabinets, three walls, the refrigerator, and the back door.
Did I mention that I recently spent many, many hours prepping and painting this entire stupid house, including the mantel?
Did I also mention that, last week, the 13-year-old left a pack of Sharpies within reach of the 2-year-old?
So far, I’ve rescued the floor and the cabinets. Trying to fix loveseat and table and fridge. Then I guess I get to repaint half the fucking house. Whee!
Might I ask?
What color is Lily now? 
I’m ashamed to admit that the answer was perilously close to “black and blue.” But she’s only a little silver around the edges. And she got to go have time out with Daddy’s supervision after I realized that I was too mad to discipline her…
For whoever decided to stock the men’s bathroom in my department at work with Glade Orchard Apple Cinnamon:
This brand of air freshener is not a good choice for, um, heavy duty use. When I walked into the john this afternoon, it smelled like someone had taken an enormous festering dump in a potpourri.
We need to go back to the industrial citrus kills-fifteen-kinds-of-germs stuff.
Dear Fraudulent IRS Auditor Who Keeps Leaving Voicemails,
We appreciate you warning me that the police are after me for my felonious crimes and your kind threat that and I’ll be arrested unless I provide my personal and banking information; however, you lost me when you said “things very bad will happen” if I don’t. And you should watch those action flicks more closely - it’s an “all points bulletin,” not “a bulletin of all points of serious consequence.” I’d tell you try harder, but we already reported you. Asshat.
Love, Me
PS - Yelling at me that you’re pressing the button to call the local police when I make the mistake of picking up one day and start laughing after your spiel isn’t going to make me have a change of heart. But it may make me giggle more.
Oops, I forgot to link to the new minirants thread for March.