Lobsang, how can you give this girl all the credit for you “coming out of your shell”. Obviously you had a lot to do with you “coming out of your shell”. As a matter of fact, she’s not responsible for that by any means. You decided to open up because you wanted to and thought that she would be receptive to that; there’s no reason why you can’t open up even more by meeting other girls. And it seems pretty obvious that she tailors her behavior depending on who is around her at the time, which should send up a long series of large red flags. I hate to be one to rain on your parade, but she’s just stringing you along. You’ve admitted your feelings to her and those feelings quite honestly aren’t mutual. Sure she’s nice to you and you both get “closer” when you’re alone with her, but she’s close with the abusive jerk and nice to him when he’s around. That’s gotta tell you something. Listen to what it speaks. Move on with your life and it will greatly improve. Good luck to you and I hope you abandon this tortuous obsession with a girl who’s not worthy of a guy like yourself.
I don’t care if you’re sober or not, but if you’re using your not-being-sober as an excuse for something, I’d look into that.
Which is why I told you to go out and meet some of them.
It’s kinda creepy you’re only friends with one woman. It really is. If you can’t be friends with other women, I have to wonder how you can be in love with this one particular woman, without it being an obsession.
Yes.
It’s unrequited love. Happens all the time.
Depends on how much value you put on “great and rewarding friend.”
No.
This is another red flag to me. How much attention does she pay to you when you’re not “looking down”? How does the conversation go, in these situations? Reason I ask is, I went through something like this when I was 18; the guy was playing me like a violin.
I’m going to give you details of a specific incident. See if this rings any bells for you. We were having the end-of-semester review, and this guy knew that this was a huge source of stress for me. We happened to be in the same core group, so he was getting his review at the same time. I went in first, and amazingly, it was far less traumatic than I had expected it to be! When I came out, I was joyous, and wanted to tell him how well it had gone. But he would have none of that. He immediately put his arms around me, pulled my head to his shoulder, and started patting me. I pulled away and tried again to tell him that I wasn’t upset. He pulled me close again and patted me again. I pulled away a second time and made another attempt to tell him what had happened. Again he pulled me to him and put his chin on my head. So I gave up and went along with it because this was, I felt, my only chance to have his arms around me.
Never mind that he was being totally condescending. Never mind that he was not listening to me. Never mind that he only ever paid attention to me when I was upset, and brushed me off curtly when I was happy. I was desperate for any kind of contact with him, and if that came at the price of playing up depression and resisting recovery, so be it. I went along with this for a long time (relative to my age then), and it only stopped when he found someone else more needy. And all the times I let him push my buttons, and gave him personal info about my life and my feelings, only increased his power over me, and my helplessness.
I know, I know: this girl isn’t like that. But is she? She may be. And it may not be conscious with her. But I would not recommend that you let someone rule your emotions, especially if they only notice your negative emotions. If she really cares for you, she’d want to be with you for good times as well as bad. Having seen your latest thread, I also have to ask, what did you talk about at the bar? I hope there were some neutral topics.
Anyway, my advice is resist, resist, resist. And change jobs if possible.
Okay, I’ve been reading some of your other threads on this subject.
—She has a kid? Be advised that if you ever did have a relationship with her, you wouldn’t be able to have her all to yourself; the child would always be first with her. (At least s/he should be.) Also, being a good Uncle Lobsang requires more patience and understanding than simply “I love everyone connected with her, so of course I love her child and we’ll get along great!”
—You lent her money? Another red flag. I hope you’re not holding on to that as “proof” that you guys have a connection, i.e., “But I lent her money! That means we’re friends for life!”
—She got drunk, then came to work and handed in a resignation, which was disregarded because she was so visibly drunk at the time? BIG red flag. Does she have other drama queen characteristics that you haven’t disclosed?
—Fact is, no one is perfect. It seems that you think she is, though, and you’ve convinced yourself that no one else will do. That’s not so. Get her off the pedestal, now. And I second, third, whatever, the recommendations of counseling.
Patience and understanding are my middle names. I fully understand the kid is #1 in her life and always will be. Will I ever be #2? It’s not looking likely.
I don’t remember admitting to that, but if I did I did. The money is barely an issue I lent it. She’s set up repayments. There is nothing more regarding that for I and her to discuss.
Her ‘resignation’ turned out to be a text message to the boss who is in the USA at the moment (and was at the time) She knew the office was skeleten-crewed (me and a few others) But it was revealed that night and afterwards that her thoughts of resignation were serious. She doesn’t drink often, but she is a bit of a drama-queen. The most insignificant things can be big worries to her, but that gives me chance to reasure her. I am laid back, she knows it, she knows she can talk to me about her problems. Some have said that I am her closest aly, I take that with a pinch of salt but it’s nice to know if it happens to be true.
I know her faults. I know she’s not perfect. But unfortunately have fallen. I’m not about to fall. I’ve already fallen. The damage is done and was done a long time ago. There is a chance to heal… by finding a new job, getting away from her. But she hasn’t said we’ll never be together… In fact she’s said she can’t say that because she doesn’t know… she’s liking me more the more she gets to know me. How can I break contact knowing there might be a bright future.
Perhaps this pain is necesary. If she’s bad news, a witch? Does that mean she doesn’t deserve to be with someone, doesn’t deserve someone who thinks the world of her as I do?
RE: the counseling… I have my father, a qualified psychologist to help. Not that I’m making excuses.
I told her that as a kid I had my confidence destroyed. What I haven’t told her is that one good thing that’s come out of all of this is my confidence is being restored.
Rilchiam in reply to your other post…
She does not only notice my negative emotions. And since then I have either not had them or not shown them. I feel the worst when I’m not with her. My mind races through the whole situation analysing it at a hundred miles an hour when I am alone. But when I’m with her I am mostly happy and I probably show it.
p.s. I’ve thought about posting things unrelated here to get my mind off it. I can’t though. I used to post here when I was bored or had nothing else to do. Now, when I am not occupied I am thinking about her and the situation and the history and the future.
I wish life were more liberal and simplistic… I wish I could say to her “I know you don’t want a relationship, I accept that, But I love being with you. Can’t I just be with you more?”
Hi, Lobsang. I don’t post very often however I watch a lot. I’ve watched you slowly deteriorate into this girl so much that you are losing yourself. Either find a hobby (WITHOUT her), some other way to spend time other than in the office gazing hopefully into the future, please do something. :leans forward and waves her hand: We miss you.
Lobsang, she’s just stringing you along. It’s cruel to keep someone hoping by saying, “Well, I don’t KNOW, maybe someday I’ll fall for you!”
Quite honestly, you’re sounding very creepy and unhealthy.
Well It’s a good job I’m keeping a cool exterior IRL. I’d hate to start seeming creepy to all my friends and colleagues, of which I have a lot more now.
I’m working through it Guinastasia, SDMB is where I release the tension.
Lobsang, you’ve got to break this pattern. Now. Make it your New Year’s resolution.
I don’t like these statements. I could have made them myself, in situations past:
But based on this:
I think at this point, you’re mostly doing it to yourself. Get counseling. Seriously. Not your father, not this board. One on one counseling. From your other threads, I get that you have issues dating back before you even met this girl, and you need to deal with them.
I’ve been where you are. I know how hopeless it all feels. But you can get past it, and if I were a praying woman, I would pray that you will.
Listen to Rilchiam. It’s one thing to let off steam on this board. It’s quite another to use it to avoid getting help and actually trying to solve your problems.
Look, I’m not trying to be nasty, but I think you need a big bucket of ice water dumped on your head to realize just what an unhealthy situation you are in.
Good luck.
I don’t mean to seem ungreatful of your advice. I thank you for it.
I know I’m in an unhealthy situation. It’s easier now that christmas and New Year are out of the way. I was under a hell of a lot of stress for those two weeks.
Rilchiam I do have issues from before I met her. They were pushed right to the back of my brain. Then meeting her brought them right to the front, begging to be analysed and dealt with. I’ve dealt with them one by one, partly with the help of friends… including her.