Female Dopers: Did someone teach you "girly" stuff?

In My Humble Opinion
41

:: pats **Sigmagirl **on the back, hands her kleenex, lets her get snot on my shoulder ::

We had decent Sex Ed in school starting in fifth grade, so I knew what to expect menstruation-wise. Before I started, though, I had one memorable Mom encounter on the subject.

Backstory: Mom had a uterine cancer treated with a hysterectomy and radiation before I was born (I was adopted) and so didn’t menstruate or need to shave her legs.

We used to go backpacking with another family on summer vacations. When I was about 10, we were all in the grocery store getting supplies for the next trip, and the other mom was looking at feminine hygiene stuff. “Good to have something along in case of emergencies,” the lady said. Mom said, no, she was sure she wouldn’t need any… and then turned to me and asked if I thought I might need some. :eek: :o Right in front of everybody!! In the grocery store!!1!

Dad one-upped her a year later, though, when he announced *at the family dinner table * that he thought it was time I started wearing a bra, and that Mom ought to take me shopping for one. As far as I can tell, he thought he was being a hip, caring, nonsexist dad. I thought I would deliquesce into a stain on the cushion of my chair.

In sixth grade I was informed by an extremely snotty classmate that I NEEDED to start shaving my legs, because I looked like a gorilla. While she deserved a smack upside the head, I *was *pretty hairy and have been since. Lots of fast-growing, thick black hair on pasty white skin. I asked Mom to get me shaving stuff and she did, reluctantly, and showed me how to use it – on my own legs, since she has almost no leg hair herself.

Does it surprise anyone to hear that I spent several years in my teens and twenties as an unshaven, product-averse neo-hippie?

As for makeup, Mom wore almost none herself. I learned about it from friends and magazines and started wearing a little bit to school in 7th grade, mostly mascara and concealer. Mean popular girls were quick to tell anyone (I don’t think they ever said anything to me, but the fear was an effective deterrent) if our makeup application was Not Cool in any way. I practiced at home a lot. With hairstyling, too. Feathered bangs were all the rage when I started… thank Og I survived.

42

Mum taught me the basics—how to properly wash your hair, brush teeth, shave, deodorize and also to wash your face twice daily with a gentle cleanser and ALWAYS WEAR SUNSCREEN. For that I’ll always be grateful because at 40, I don’t look it.

She had some funny ideas about clothing fabrics but didn’t really give me grief about what I wore or didn’t want to wear. As long as I had jeans, sneakers, boots and a nice shirt, we were all happy.

When I started my period, she was the one who kept me in supplies and made sure that I understood that although I thought I was bleeding to death that I wasn’t. She also told me how important yearly gyn exams were [we lost a couple of female relatives to breast and ovarian cancer] and self exams as well.

The only thing we didn’t quite agree on was hair color. I have naturally nasty, dirty blonde/brown hair and always wanted to be a redhead. She ABHORRED red hair because her younger sister was a redhead and they hated one another. When I got married and moved out, the first thing I did was dye my hair red. It went through phases of other colors but I’ve always come back to red. She finally got over her dislike of red hair, thankfully, because DAMN, I look good as a redhead!

Oh! And she taught me how to do pincurls. Do you all know how hard those little fuckers are to do? I still can’t quite do them properly on myself but someone else I do just fine.

Threads like this make me realize how much I miss her. We may not have always got along but I do miss her like whoa.

43

Mum’s a nurse, so I knew all the physical bits about being a girl from kindergarten age. When it came to female dress and primping, she didn’t care (she spent all her time in denim and flannel shirts) and I didn’t have a clue. Up until puberty, I wore my older brother’s cast-offs.

Then I discovered the wonder of Goth. (dun-dun-DUNN) So basically, all I know about makeup and fashion I learned from my gothy friends and gothy magazines. As a 31-year old who can’t be arsed with the primping anymore, that means: I can do an awesome Goth make up, but I wouldn’t be able to do normal, daytime make up for the life of me. It just looks pale and odd in comparison, so I mostly go without.

44

My mom was the opposite. She was of that generation where it was hammered into her that while her family was poor, she could offset that by always being immaculately clean and well-groomed. So I have memories of my darling mother going door-to-door campaigning for the ERA, in high heels and full make-up and an impressive up-do, dragging two toddlers along with her.

She’s very well-groomed to this day.

My mom was available to teach me girl stuff, but I was one of those girls who was easily embarrassed by the confrontation of it all… so mom thoughtfully left a lot of supplies around so that I could experiment. So yes I learned from my mom, but she was crafty so a lot of it was through indirect means.

45

It’s an interesting question. It’s one I was thinking about several months ago when I bought a set of hot rollers on a whim and realized that them things is a bitch! That proper installation of rollers is something girls used to learn as teenagers because hairstyles are more complicated. I mentioned it to my mom and she said, “Don’t complain! You girls are lucky, you don’t have to do all that stuff!” In other words, my mom who was born in 1941 obviously felt that we, the younger generation, were far less burdened with that stuff. Might have gone too far in the other direction.

46

I meant to add - I’ve noticed that Doper women seem, in general, less concerned with “girly” things than most of the women I meet in real life. (Cf. - any thread about bags and shoes. :wink: ) I think the biggest example is makeup - while in school the girls went without a lot of the time, after graduation all the girls I’d meet, even in casual settings, would all be wearing makeup. Not a lot of it, and not flashy stuff, but at least eyeliner and lipgloss.

47

Like ZipperJJ, my mom and I don’t have the same hair or skin tone. She also thought of herself as fat and ugly, and had no confidence in how she dressed or did her make-up. I always thought she was beautiful.

We kind of stumbled through a lot of the stuff together. I remember us going to Mary Kay parties together to learn make-up and colors, and I remember her taking me over to a friend’s to learn how to tweeze my eyebrows.

A lot of my clothes were hand-me-downs or things I bought for myself on clearance or my mom and I made, so I wasn’t very trendy when I was young.

My mom told me about the basics of sex by having me read an encyclopedia article and asking if I had any questions - I had already seen my friend’s more 70s generation book on it, so I didn’t. She was relieved. My mom sternly told me that she wasn’t going to discuss positions with me, that was when I realized there was more than one and started researching sex on my own through magazines, books in the library, etc.

I went to a small Christian New England boarding school, where a lot of the girls were very uninformed, so we would often try to piece together our bits of knowledge. I had done the most actual research, so I sometimes found myself to be the resident sex guru, even though I had never even been on a real date.

And get this - in boarding school, all the girls HAD TO TAKE A CLASS on beauty tips.

We had to read this book, Beauty and the Best and it gave advice on everything - like not mixing patterns, picking fashions that fit your body shape, hairdos that fit your face, different ways to walk, sit, etc. There were even chapters on how to get your hair to shine and exercises to make your nails stronger.

Think A League of their Own** and you get the kind of advice that was given. Good, southern, lady-like info there.

The class lasted a quarter, I think, or a whole semester. One of the school staff used to be a hairdresser, so she taught the class. She was not very posh so I took her advice with a grain of salt.

I still use some of the tips from the book when making choices, though. But most of my fashion sense comes from me observing others and picking out what I think works for my body type and life style. My hair and make-up is very low maintenance, but I love to buy clothes and SHOES! (okay, I have a shoe thing - shoot me.)

48

The only thing I remember my mom doing was trying to discourage me from wearing any makeup or styling my hair the latest way or wearing stylish clothes. “That’s too grown-up for you!” was a constant refrain that I remember. She did reluctantly tell me about menstruation when I came home from a health class and asked her flat-out about it. She was far from happy, though, and I think she may have called the school to complain.

Only after many years did I figure out that my mom was trying to keep all her kids from growing up. She was rather phobic of the big bad world and wanted to keep her kids infantilized and at home all their lives. She succeeded with my brother.

49

I attended a similar class in sixth grade (private Christian school down south). I don’t know what they taught the boys, but they called the girls’ instruction Charm Class. We got a little pamphlet that taught us all about deodorant and posture and teeth-brushing, and I think it did have some hairstyle tips as well. I studied hell out of it, but I never did get Jimmy to like me.

50

We were clean, that is to say hygienic–I never didn’t bathe or shower. But I had to buy my own deodorant. I asked my mom for the new maxi pads that had adhesive! (god I’m old–they were called StayFree). She bought ONE box and said they were “expensive” (aka she wouldn’t be buying them again). My (much) older sisters used OBs–and for 12 year old me the thought of shoving my finger anywhere was just gross. I forced myself to learn to use tampons–and I’m so glad I did. Now it’s pads that seem gross to me. :wink: I can’t quite explain my mother’s approach to female puberty. I think she just assumed I would know(?). We did not have a close or even friendly relationship at that point. Who knows…

I made sure my daughter grew up with normal talk about periods and sex and “female troubles”. She’s much better at makeup than I am.

Part of it for me is that I’m lazy as sin. I just can’t be arsed to apply foundation, eye shadow etc. I am rigid about sun screen app, but seriously, some mascara and some lip gloss and I’m done.

I was into nail polish, clothes and hair in college–when I weighed 115 pounds. It was fun, but it was a lot of work, too.

51

That’s because that’s bleeping creepy. I’m sorry, but once you finish potty-training bodily functions don’t need celebrating.

(And I wanted to give you cyber hugs too. That’s awful)

52

I think that type of celebratory menarche type stuff arose in retaliation for the school of thought that made any “female function” irksome, gruesome and shameful. There are cultures where a woman is considered “unclean” when menstruating etc.

I don’t agree with the hype re celebrating periods, but I can sympathize with the impulse to make it a Good Thing, not a PITA or similar.

53

Learned it on my own, to the extent that I care. Oh, and from the back of the tampon box.

54

Mum took care of the basics - my friends sorted the details and still do.

I knew about the mechanics of sex and menstruation well before it happened. When I had my first period I said to Mum “I’m a woman now” and she laughed at me and told my dad and brother who laughed too. My best friend told me that I’d had a choice between pads and tampons, but mum bought the tampons because they were easier to dispose of and that outweighed my comfort.

Hair styling was monthly visits to my Aunt for home perms that never ‘set’ unless they went into an instant and unmanageable frizz. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s cropping it short all over myself, or letting it just grow long. Now I see a good stylist maybe twice a year and just trim in between - a concave bob, I think it’s called.

Makeup? I bought my own when I started working and learned by trial and mostly error. I can do a fine job of it now (magazines and TV) but seldom bother because I’ve got sensitive skin that will react badly if I *look *at the wrong brand of foundation.

Clothes - Mum made some, I wore my brother’s hand me downs mostly (I’m 5’5", he hit 6’4" in 1977 - I still haven’t grown into most of them!). By my teens I was depressed and dressed to hide. Later I knew I didn’t fit in and dressed to advertise that. Now? One of my friends has joyfully taken me (at 40+) under her wing to teach me the basics of good clothes, I’m loving it. It’s fun and I feel good.

I remember leaving home at 17 and mum saying “I should have got you braces, I should have sent you to beauty school.” By the time she’d noticed there was a problem, it was too big to manage, so she just ignored it and eventually I went away.

This sounds horrid and she probably tried harder than I remember. I was a resistant little bugger and perfectly capable of ignoring good advice. We get on fine now that I’m not her responsibility.

55

My parents didn’t discuss sex or anything about being girly beyond, “This is where we keep the pads and tampons. Help yourself.” Which was fine with me. I wanted to figure it out myself, and develop my own practices and preferences. They would have answered questions, and my mom would have gone all girly on me had I asked, I’m sure, but I didn’t ask.

I learned about menstruation from books, specifically, “Carrie” and one more traditionally informative titled “Period.” I learned the factual stuff about sex like STDs, pregnancy, ovulation, contraception, etc., from my mom’s home medical book. Fascinating stuff to a nerdy 10-year-old.

I learned about makeup, hygiene, and hair from magazines like Cosmo and Glamour. (It was kind of weird reading about multiple orgasms and how to handle a pushy boss when I was still a virginal 13 year old, but it was good information.) Most of it wasn’t for me anyway. I do the basic hygiene stuff, but at most I will condition and color my hair, and wear foundation and lipstick. I really don’t like the maintenance part of being a girly girl. I like taking only 5 minutes to get dressed in the morning.

Fashion-- yeah, so not there, even today. I’ve never been a trend-follower. My workplace is casual, so I wear T-shirts and jeans 90 percent of the time. I can dress up when I want to, but I seldom really want to. I do care how I dress. I’m always presentable. I just don’t care about looking ladylike or even girly.

56

I spoke to my Mum about all this today.

Her mother died when my mum was sixteen, she’d been sick for years earlier. They’d emigrated here when mum was eleven and lived out in a small country town. Until she was fifteen, mum barely wore shoes, let alone make-up and stylish clothing.

On her fifteenth birthday, mum was told she was starting work in a local office - she had to wear the ‘nice’ clothes, her grandmother bought for her (mum wasn’t present for the shopping trip).
The next year, they had to move to a larger city for medical treatment. Mum worked in a larger office and the other girls would chatter about their latest hair stylist or where they got their new dress from. Mum listened and watched and copied them.
A year after that (at 17 years old) she got married; “And that was it for fashion.”
She always looked good - because she could sew, she had clothes that fit her well, and at least nodded to trends - but she never had the chance for glamour again.

Looking back at photos, my brother and I were always dressed well, but you can tell the moment when I refused to wear dresses or skirts to school (too cold) - I was five and it was my first year. A lot of her frustration that I could sense when we were shopping together, was probably a result of my own attitude.

We also had the problem that I couldn’t borrow her make-up as I have completely different colouring. Apart from good work shirts that migrate between our wardrobes, we can’t swap any clothes because we have different body shapes.

We both agree that were still learning and won’t stop until we drop - it’s not about fashion, it’s about feeling in control of how we look.

I also talked about the “I’m a woman now” thing and she laughed again. Mind you, I was only twelve when I said it.

57

My mother made sure I knew all the stuff about sex and bodies and so on… books, an open atmosphere to talk about it, all that stuff. So that’s great.

The beauty stuff - well, she doesn’t shave ANYTHING. I’m lucky I didn’t get much body hair until after high school, by which point gillette had kindly provided us with free pink disposable razors (I don’t know WHY the schools let commercial organizations hand out these freebies, but thank goodness) and I could at least take care of the underarm hair. I still don’t have a habit of routinely shaving my legs, I’m lucky that I never got really thick leg hair. I was about 25 before my leg hair was visible at all.

The bad part - she also never uses deodorant. She feels it is unnatural and unnecessary. She also has no detectable body odor even after working out. I, on the other hand, sweat. And don’t smell so great. It took a while to get past her brainwashing on the subject of not needing anything more than soap and water, and I’m still incredibly self-conscious because someone had to take me aside at my first job and talk to me about my problem. :smack: That’s not totally humiliating or anything.

Makeup - go figure, she doesn’t use much. I taught myself that, and then I lived with a wannabe cosmetologist for a bit, and she taught me some more. I am devoted to red lipstick, but otherwise I can take it or leave it.

I have good women friends now, particularly a pair of displaced southern girls who are more than happy to help me learn things like just how one blow dries hair. They’re still working on getting me to a pedicurist. But I totally feel like a backward child when it comes to figuring out most of the girly stuff.

58

Hey, at least they told you. They were probably embarrassed as hell to bring it up too.

My coworkers once let me walk around here for god knows how long with my skirt tucked into my underwear. Thanks, guys.

59

Yes… whenever the odd “How to I discreetly alert my coworker to their odor” problem thread comes up, I am infinitely grateful that I was just flat out told, not left hints in the form of scented products or anything like people often seem to want to do. And they were very nice about it. (They. The office manager AND the company’s owner both talked to me about it. Gah.) I can laugh about it now! But explaining my lack of clue due to hippy mother and then running to the nearest pharmacy to buy something industrial strength was not my most self-esteem boosting hour. :wink:

60

Yeah, and then I bet you smelled like Spring Rain Baby Powder Cashmere Orgy for a week, which isn’t really better, you know? And I’m sure you also had no practice with the “put this shirt on without getting deodorant all over it” dance, which takes serious practice.

Personally, I must have just been one of those rare people who have never been colonized with the “smelly armpit” bacteria. Until one day in college. I remember it well. A warm October day. Seriously, it was just like that - sniff, sniff, what the HELL? Before that I just wore antiperspirant to guard against wetness, and not all the time.