Giving my daughter a makeover

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I took my kids out to dinner this past Saturday night, and as we were walking out the door, I took a good look at my thirteen year old daughter and realized she had some kind of thick paste smeared on parts of her forehead and cheeks. It turned out to be some concealer which was not the right color to begin with, and had been applied in poor light. So I took her back inside and had her wash it off. Then I put a little of my own foundation on the worst of her acne, and promised to work with her on her appearance the next day.

So on Sunday, we looked through her cosmetics and talked about colors and application and whatnot. I threw away that awful concealer and bought her some foundation. As we went over some grooming basics, I learned that she had given up on shaving because her razor got rusty and she kept forgetting to ask me for another. She also hasn’t been using the Proactiv solution I had provided for her because she’s “too tired to wash her face at night.” She never forgets to put on earrings, necklaces, or nail polish before school, but she does sometimes forget deodorant!

I’m not a pushy kind of mother, but I’m thinking of supervising the child very closely for a while. I remember seeing pictures of myself as a nerdy little middle (and high) schooler and asking my mom how she could have let me leave the house looking that way. I’m leery of sending the wrong message (you’re not good enough; girls have to be pretty) but I cringe at the thought of her going so unprepared into the lions’ den of middle school society.

So anyway, yesterday I did away with her unibrow, stood over her while she washed and medicated her face, and I have plans to go shopping with her soon for some better clothes. I also dyed her hair orange. :smack:

I didn’t mean to! She had brown hair with lots of (professionally done) blonde highlights, and I thought she’d get a psychological boost out of getting a little change, so I bought a box of what I considered a medium blonde color. Now she looks like Lucy, and I’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do! I tried to convince her that it looks better, even though it’s not what we had in mind, but I don’t think she’s going for it.

So what do you think? Should I let my poor misguided offspring go around smelling and looking funny as long as she’s happy, or should I interfere? Let’s be honest…I’m going to interfere no matter what you say. So tell me, how do I go about instilling a bit more interest in how she looks, and specifically, is there a cure for orange hair?

2

I’m sure lots of people won’t think you’re doing the right thing, but I TOTALLY do! My mom, as I’ve mentioned in several threads, looks like a man and it’s a daily struggle for me to look well-groomed. None of that stuff comes natural to me because I had no training.

I know,… what’s inside, …be yourself, blah blah blah. But we’re living in a society here and people aren’t going to want to get to know a stinky, wacky looking person as much as they are going to want to get to know a non-stinky, attractive looking person. There’s a reason why the word is “attractive”.

Oh, and the beauty parlor can fix the hair color.

3

When I was finally allowed to wear makeup as a teen, my mom brought me to Merle Norman where they demonstrated the “right” way to do up my face.

If I was a clown. Or aspired to have pumpkin colored skin. The only thing I learned was how to apply eyeliner.

Then my grandmother (bless her rebel heart) took me to an upscale salon and they retaught me what to do to keep my skin clean and how to apply makeup in a flattering manner, not that of a kabuki mask.

Take your daughter to Marshall Fields or a salon where they give make overs- hearing from a third party how to apply makeup and keep skin clean is usually more effective than hearing it from mom. I’ve invested a hunk o’ change in acne meds for LilMiss already (Neutrogena, OXY, that kind of stuff) and she rarely uses it until someone else mentions she has a pimple. Poor kid inherited her dad’s skin. Makeup is still too out there for her. She will wear eyeshadow and colored lipgloss on occasion, but we haven’t hit the concealer/mascara stage yet.

4

Now’s the time to learn good grooming habits. Getting her into a daily routine now will much better for her in the long run. There is a big difference between good grooming and “being pretty”. Growing up in the desert with dry skin, DeHusband has applied good lotion to his face every morning after his shower since he was 13. He has wonderful skin now and looks to be in his early 30s rather than the nearly 50 years old that he is.

Teaching her the habit of washing her face every morning and night when she brushes her teeth will go far to helping clear up her acne.

And good luck with her hair. Ditto the beauty parlor.

5

The only thing about monitoring her closely is that it’s not all that likely to go over well with her. At best, she’s going to roll her eyes and ignore you. (You are the woman who turned her hair orange, after all, which isn’t exactly confidence-inspiring.) At worst, her appearance will become a battleground. At that point you have to ask yourself–is a unibrow worth the bitterness and resentment of a longstanding family argument, especially with the vociferousness teenage girls bring to such conflicts?

If she’s interested in learning this stuff, then by all means take her someplace where she can learn to do it all properly. If she’s not, I’d probably let her alone for a while. There’s thirteen year olds and there’s thirteen year olds, and I’d guess a lot of her issues will clear up with tincture of time. (And don’t be too hard on the kid for sometimes forgetting deodorant–sometimes when I’m busy or running late or otherwise distracted from my routine, I forget, too. Of course, by the time I get pissed on a couple times and anal glanded, a little pit sweat is the least of my smelliness on those days.)

As for the lion’s den of middle school, if she’s an outcast, a makeover probably won’t change that all that much. They’ll just find something else to give her shit about. Kids that age are shitty that way.

And, of course, not shaving, plucking and painting is a perfectly valid choice of personal style that tons of adult women make every day.

6

You stood over her and made sure she learned good grooming habits when she was little, right?

Well, now her body is changing and she has to learn new habits: showering more frequently, wearing deodorant, and washing her face daily. I see no problem with teaching her that she really must do all these things.

Since she was wearing concealer already, she’s clearly concerned about how her acne looks, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you teaching her how to properly apply makeup. Just be sure you’re not pressuring her too hard to wear makeup. Ditto with clothes. If she’s said she wants new clothes, then fine, take her out shopping. But if she is happy with her current clothes and they are decent (not worn out or stained) then don’t nag her about her fashion sense.

My mother, who was otherwise totally supportive and unconditionally loving (love ya, Mom!), had very different ideas about how I should be dressing, and really, it just ended up being a constant source of tension. I didn’t dress the way she wanted me to, she nagged about my clothes constantly, and bought me all sorts of things I’d never wear. I ended up pretty much ignoring fashion and my appearance for years.

7

Turning her hair orange probably undermines your credibility a lot. Please offer to take her to a pro to fix it.

Do make sure she has adequate supplies, like razors and deordorant, but try not to be overbearing. Also, please, look closely at the other girls her age. Sometimes kids go for the ugliest fads and what looks hideous to us is the in thing. Example: My mother thought she was doing a favor by not allowing me to wear a velvet top with a lace collar to 6th grade, when absolutely every other girl would. They even had days where they all planned on wearing them. She thought it was too fancy for school, and so in an effort to help, she made me stick out more.

The one thing I would really not let up on is the deordorant. Find out if she is just forgetting or if she doesn’t like the deordorant. Try to work out a routine so she will remember and if she smells, remind her.

8

At least you’re showing an interest-if she’s going to wear make-up etc. then you know the best ones,which colors best suit her and how to put it on properly without looking like she’s heading for the nearest street corner. That will go much better than just telling her to ‘get that stuff off-you’re not going out like that’ whenever she tries to wear it.
And as for clothes,when she picks stuff that you can’t stand,tell her how much you love it.That’ll guarantee it gets puts straight back on the hangar :wink:

I feel I should link this to the bra thread somehow,but I might get lynched :smiley:

9

I’d think it would work well if you told your daughter everything you know about the facts of grooming, hair and make-up, but thread lightly when you enter the realm of taste.

I find that it helps a lot to have determined what color season you and your daughter are. Are you a Spring, Summer, Autumn or Winter? Determining your colors is fun to do together and it will help you understand that the colors that work for your daughter may not work for you, and vv.

Make-up artist Bobby Brown has a good book on make-up for teenagers. It isn’t very well illustrated, but contains a lot of valuable info and will arm your daughter agains a lot of the rubbish she will read in magazines. The book covers , among others, such problems as zits and braces and how much make-up boys like.

10

As a parent of two college girls, I can honestly say I’ve been there and done all that, including the orange hair. (Our experience occured with the semi-permanent hair dye–which we never, NEVER used again.)

The oldest Hallgirl had lots of problems with her skin. Since we live close to a teaching hospital where a lot of clinical studies are done, I enrolled her for a clinical study using a new cream for her acne–which worked as long as she participated in the study. Afterwards, she went on the birth control pill specifically made for help with acne. Yes, she was 14 at the time, however, it covered two areas of possible concern–one, it took care of a good portion of the acne, and two, if and WHEN she decided to become sexually active, I knew that she was not only educated about sex, but was also in a position to prevent a pregnancy. This may not be an area you want to travel (and maybe should be another thread), but it may be something to consider.

When both Hallgirls were ready to venture into make-up, we went to a major department store and visited the Clinique counter, where they both got make-overs and instructions on how to take care of their skin. Still to this day, HallGirl 1 uses their products religiously and it’s the only thing that won’t make her skin break out and look raw. Plus, it’s been my experience that Clinique was the only company that didn’t make both Hallgirls look like three-bit whores. (Stay away from the Maxx Factor counter–they tried to attack with BLUE EYESHADOW!!!)

It’s been my experience that compliments will go a long way, and a lot further than “Did you put on deodorant today?” Try the scented soaps and shampoos (if she can use them)–she may smell like a fruit salad (Hallgirl 2 did), but at least you know her hair is shampooed and her skin moisturized. If her eyelashes are long and full and beautiful (but not over made), then compliment her on them. Plus, this will allow her to see parts of herself that maybe she hadn’t noticed (or didn’t like) before hand.

Beauty is not just skin deep, but having confidence in the way you look goes a long way and into other areas besides appearance. Good for you that you’re willing to take the time and effort into assisting her through this. It isn’t easy, and everyone needs a guide.

11

I don’t think Alex doesn’t care about grooming herself, she just seems a bit clueless. And she doesn’t seem to resent my meddling (yet, here’s hoping they were kind at school today).
As for the clothing issue: Last year she went to a private school where she wore a uniform (polo shirt, pleated skirt, penny loafers). When she started going to public school, my mom pitched in financially by buying her some cute little matchy-matchy outfits. It was greatly appreciated, but when I pick Alex up at school she stands out like a sore thumb from all the kids wearing jeans and T-shirts. She’s also attracted to the goth style, so she frequently wears dark clothing and a lot of jewelry (well, that’s her interpretation of goth.) I don’t have a problem with that, having some goth tendencies myself, but I don’t like seeing her try to adopt it as a new identity. Anyway, I don’t think she’ll mind a few new duds. And we are going to the hair salon ASAP!

12

I don’t think Alex doesn’t care about grooming herself, she just seems a bit clueless. And she doesn’t seem to resent my meddling (yet, here’s hoping they were kind at school today).
As for the clothing issue: Last year she went to a private school where she wore a uniform (polo shirt, pleated skirt, penny loafers). When she started going to public school, my mom pitched in financially by buying her some cute little matchy-matchy outfits. It was greatly appreciated, but when I pick Alex up at school she stands out like a sore thumb from all the kids wearing jeans and T-shirts. She’s also attracted to the goth style, so she frequently wears dark clothing and a lot of jewelry (well, that’s her interpretation of goth.) I don’t have a problem with that, having some goth tendencies myself, but I don’t like seeing her try to adopt it as a new identity. (Maybe wear the corset and fishnets just once a week? ;))Anyway, I don’t think she’ll mind a few new duds. And we are going to the hair salon ASAP!

13

I think it’s a GREAT idea!

Buy her a supply of that girly-sented shaving cream and nice women’s razors. Buy her a supply of some good deodorant. Also, make sure she’s showering/shaving/washing her hair/brushing and flossing daily and wearing clean clothes/socks/underwear.

I actually could have used some help as I entered puberty. When I was younger, we would only take baths every other day, but once I reached 12 and 13, I definitely needed showers more often… but I didn’t realize it at time, and I really could have used some guidance from my mom. This is embarassing to tell, but what sucked is that no one ever bought me deodorant, so I started to have a bit of BO as I hit puberty. I will never forget the time in 9th grade when my friend ever-so-gently told me about it and I was so embarassed. Too embarassed to tell my mom and ask her to buy me some deodorant. See, the thing was, my mom never wore deodorant. She’s never needed to. So maybe she didn’t even realize that I needed it.

Finally I saved up some money of my own and rode my bike up to the drug store and bought the deodorant. And I haven’t stopped wearing it since!

Seriously, if she isn’t doing a good job at personal hygiene, she is going to have a really hellish school experience.

And if she’s having a problem with acne, she should see a dermatologist.

14

BTW Nyctea where d’ya get your Dopername?It sounds like something you’d go to the pharmacist to get ointment for :smiley:

15

Not everybody needs to shower every day, even teenagers – if I did, for one, my skin tends to be dry and it would be awful for it. Shaving daily would make that even worse, and my hair would turn to straw if I washed it daily as well. I shower about every two or three days, and I do not smell. My SO would mention it, I’m sure, if I did! If she takes showers every couple of days and isn’t smelly, then she doesn’t need to more often. Deodorant, though, is a must. My brother didn’t start wearing it regularly until the Air Force made him do it, no matter what anybody said to him about it. Ick. Teenage boys. :rolleyes:

I hate makeup now, but back then, my mom gave me a few lessons in how to put on makeup without looking cheap. Thanks, Mom!

16

My mother doesn’t wear makeup, and uses my fathers razors and deoderant. She also objects to paying more than £10 for a haircut, and had us all get DRY cuts until we were in our early teens and rebelled! The trouble is, my mother is one of those women who looks stunning without any effort whatsever, she doesn’t do this stuff, because she never needed to.
She was bloody useless when I was growing up.

My sisters and I would just write down EXACTLY what we wanted on the weekly shopping list, and hoped to hell she’d buy it (our pocket money didn’t stretch to make-up and beauty products). Often she’s get something, but not quite the right thing, like foundation 3 shades darker than what we’d asked for, because they’d run out of the one we wanted, and she didn’t think it would matter.

I would have KILLED for a mother who actually showed me stuff and didn’t pooh-pooh the notion that plucking your eyebrows and painting your nails are good ideas.

My baby sister (15 at the time) took my mother for her first EVER leg wax last summer, I’ve never seen anyone so happy about having their hair pulled out by the roots! We’re slowly getting her to do little things, like using a good women’s razor and shaving gel, but it’s a bit of an uphill battle.

Just be thankful it’s you showing her, not the other way around!

17

It’s the scientific name for one of my favorite birds!

18

Ponders the scientific name for his favourite birds…:smiley:

I’m one of the poor sods who need cleaning daily.In the summer,I always have to keep my hair short otherwise it gets greasy and rubs the back of the neck.It’s a damn nuisance cos I need two or three showers a day in the heat.Nothing worse than someone telling you that you need to shower and you only just hopped out a few hours ago…:frowning:

If she doesn’t want to try new make-up because she’s not sure how it will look, try it on a younger sibling.They’re great for drawing on and if it looks daft on them it’s a bonus!

19

Kudos Beetle for trying to help your kid! Man I wish my mom was as cool as you.

My mom wouldn’t let me use anything cuz it would make me look like a ‘cheap whore’. She wouldn’t even let me use deodorant until I was 12 and sweating like a pig in P.E. -_- But now, since I’ve reached my early 20s, she expects me go to makeup shopping with her. She’d drag me into the department store and just say “so what do you want? you want to look pretty?” The problem is, I don’t know what half the stuff does and I’m still so much of a tomboy that I couldn’t do anything anyway!

I’m convinced that I’ll wear a bit of foundation, eyeshadow and lipgloss on my wedding, and my mom is trying to convince me to put a pound of makeup on to ‘look proper for my wedding day’. Geez she’s nuts.

Just make sure you’re balancing everything out. A bit of this, a bit of that. Don’t be the one to make your own daughter into a ‘cheap whore’. -_-

20

Good on you, Beetle, for taking the initiative. My mom didn’t stop me from doing any girly girl stuff, but she never instigated any of it either. I guess she figured she’d just let me grow at my own pace, but I honestly had no clue about a lot of this stuff. For instance, it never would have occurred to me to shave my legs if a rather nasty girl hadn’t flat out told me I ought to because my legs were all hairy. (What a bitch, my leg is hair is blond and practically invisible!) And then when I tried to shave my legs, I had no clue what I was doing - ouch. It would have been nifty if my mom had been a little more participatory in my learning about girl stuff. (My parents are total hippies, which usually made them the “cool parents”, but there were downsides. That my mom would never have dreamed of taking me to the makeup counter at Macy’s is one of them.)