Female Dopers, your opinion, please

In My Humble Opinion
121

Without trying to be immodest, I am an attractive woman who is also a bartender, so I have heard every kind of compliment/come-on/verbal leer imaginable…

And I can say honestly that there are lots of ways to pay a woman a compliment without sounding like you have a goal, or intent, other than giving her a sincere compliment.

It’s all in the delivery.

Healthy eye-contact and a warm smile, followed by a short and simple compliment, are never unwelcome. (At least to me. And I’ve heard them all and have a healthy cynicism.)

“You are a beautiful woman,” or “You are such a pretty girl!” etc., etc., are things that could be said any number of ways…but if said respectfully and without leering, they are a charming and welcome compliment and I don’t know many women who wouldn’t like to hear them. I don’t care how young or old the guy is. Equally nice are things like “You have such gorgeous eyes!” or “You have a lovely smile!”

Having said that, it’s different if you approach someone randomly on the street, vs. your bartender or barista or waitress or clerk or whatever…the latter are expected to engage with you to some extent, whereas the former are just walking past you.

But I can recall several occasions in which an older gentleman has passed me on the street, and given me a nod and a big smile, and I assumed that he was paying me a silent compliment.

Even if I’m wrong and he wasn’t, I am of the opinion that other peoples’ approval, whether it’s of your physical appearance, or your intelligence, or anything else, for that matter, is a pleasant feeling. And I don’t see any reason why people–male or female–shouldn’t express it if they feel like it.

I’ve told random women on the street that they have fabulous hair, or great shoes, or gorgeous skin…I’ve complimented strange guys on similar things…

I dunno. I think that we all THINK nice things about other people, and most of the time we don’t say them–myself included–and you never know how it could make someone’s day if you say it out loud. Some of the most welcome compliments I’ve ever gotten were from random people in line behind me at the grocery store. It makes you feel good. Why shouldn’t you pass it on?

122

I’d be creeped out by it too, even now (at 34), and though I’m average-looking. When I’m walking down the street, or in the grocery store, or whatever, a random “You’re so beautiful” would really bother me, mainly because I’m a very private person and you’re intruding in my space when I’m trying to move through the world with anonymity and get my shopping done. As mentioned by others, it would be different if I was at a party or another similar venue.

However, a smile is never misplaced. And a friendly banter session can work too, in the right situations. At the deli counter a few weeks ago, a guy was flirting with me by talking about buying the expensive proscuitto rather than the cheap stuff. Sounds ridiculous, but it was friendly and totally non-creepy.

Smile if you catch her eye, say Hello or Good Morning or some other friendly greeting if you’re passing within earshot, and let it go. I find myself critical of the attitude of “This is so overwhelming I MUST share it with her.” Not every thought or emotion has to be vocalized - that’s what you have blogs for.

123

What? I keep reading this like it’s a riddle. A capital B that rhymes with P but b stands for BULLSHIT. I can’t solve the riddle!

As a young man, it’s this “urge” everyone is talking about that I really can’t relate to. I wanted to post and say that I absolutely do find men, and older people, and children “beautiful”. But I don’t think it adds anything to the discussion because I can’t relate to this longing to share my observations with people I’m not otherwise talking to.

I wonder, too, what it is that causes men to bottle up their urges until they ache. I can’t think of any instances where I was actually interacting with someone - a cashier or a waitress or whatever - where I had a compliment I really wanted to deliver but resisted for some reason or another. Or for that matter where I did deliver my compliment and had it poorly received.

And I’m dubious of any self described Beauty aficionado’s credentials if the best compliment he can come up with is that she’s Beautiful. If you’re admiring a woman so intently that you have to share your thoughts, can’t you be specific? Sexy peep toes? Great natural auburn highlights? Pants that make her ass look amazing?

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To

125

Age is a factor. I skimmed the replies to this question, but I think someone else said that older, but not really older is the most disturbing. I get comments from men old enough to be my grandfather, and I think they’re charming, in the same sort of way getting comments from ladies that age is meant kindly. Guys in their 20s-30s making those comments do not bother me much either, unless they are being overly agressive.

But guys in their 50s, around the same age as my dad? That bothers me - I know it does from experience. Most guys old enough to be my dad see me as a cute kid, not an adult of equal standing, and I’ve come to expect that. It’s weird when they clearly see me as attractive the same way they would someone far closer in age. OTOH, I may mean comments that are less innocently intended that the OP claims to mean.

126

Makes me wonder if the reason it’s poorly received isn’t because it’s more creepy, necessarily, but because it’s kind of a back-handed comment.

If you’re 30 and a 25 year old gives you a compliment, Hell Yeah! You’ve still got it. If you’re 30 and a 70 year old gives you a compliment, Hell Yeah! You stand out in a crowd. If you’re 30 and a 50 year old compliments you… wait, does he think he has a chance? I’m too young for him, damn it.

127

Actually you’re the perfect age according to the “formula” ( Girls age = Guys age/2 + 7 or 32 = 50/2 + 7). Mr. Big was in his 50s when he was dating Carrie Bradshaw.

Look, age doesn’t matter if the guy is cool and smooth like George Fucking Clooney. I remember in high school, a couple of girls were all swooning over my dad. The next day they’re like “was that your dad…he’s sooo handsome. Is he seeing someone?” Yeah! My MOM! I’m like WTF? You have the 17 year old version right?! Women just love older unobtainable guys.

Which brings me to the OP. Dude, “ick” is right. You sound freaking creepy! I mean who goes over and tells a bunch of random girls they look beautiful? “uhhh…thanks random old dude.”

128

Recently a much older gentleman (as in about 70-something) complimented me on my legs as I passed him on the way into my credit union. I was wearing a short-ish skirt, bare-legged, nothing fancy or esp. revealing, just it was a rare warm day and I was in a hurry and threw it on.

He stopped as if he’d run into a wall, tilted his head, smiled, and said, “NICE legs!” Then tipped his hat and went on his way.

Honestly, it made my day. :smiley: (and I think it made his as well, or at least he made me believe it had;))

HOWEVER, there is a creepy guy, closer to my own age, in my complex who persists in watching/leering at me when I swim at the pool and otherwise offering unwanted attention of a sexual nature, and when HE complimented my legs once, I just felt EEWWWW!

Many other examples I could give and for me, it comes down to respect and manner…the older guy didn’t make me feel all icky because he was gracious and a gentleman (not just because he was older and perceived as non-threatening…many younger men are capable of his skillful complimentary style as well, ime). He was merely expressing appreciation, not aiming for or expecting anything in return. (or if he is, he keeps it to himself :))

Creepy guy is hitting on me, only offering his compliments in an attempt to “butter me up”. EEEWWWWW! :eek:

Of course, I am 42, not 22. I suspect many younger women might be put off by a compliment on their looks by a man they didn’t consider potential dating potential and/or tend to interpret every positive comment as somehow linked to sexual attraction. Me, not only am I a bit more mature in outlook than many 20-somethings, I value sincere, no-strings attached compliments a lot more than I did at 22 :smiley:

Just my personal perspective, for whatever it’s worth.

129

And if she did, some dude would pull one off while thinking about it.

However, I think 1st degree relations are probably excepted. Well, at least most of the time.

130

Perfect age for HIS opinion, not for her opinion. That’s why you’ll see that she said “you’re too old for me.” Her opinion is the only one that counts in this scenario.

I think you’ll find that this is becoming less and less frequent with the passing of time. Perhaps when women weren’t out making their own money, the idea of an older man was tempting because (we hope) he’d be more secure in his life and career so that he’d be security.

Women want a guy in the age range of your “formula” less often than Hollywood would like you guys to believe. Of course there are women who prefer older men, but I honest-to-God don’t know any of them. I had one friend in college who did, but that’s just because she could sucker money out of them. There will always be some women who like older men, just not as many as what older men would wish.

131

I’m not a woman, but as other people say, if your goal really is to make those girls happy, I wouldn’t bother. The fact is that 25-year-old hotties are hit on day in and day out by men of all different ages.

Imagine if you got 2 or 3 calls a night from telemarketers and one evening a salesman called you, not to sell you anything but just to say “hi” and compliment you in some way. First of all, it would still be annoying even if you believed it. Second, you would never believe it.

That said, if the girl is at an age where her looks are fading-- say 40+, then a compliment is much more likely to be well received. But I’m guessing you don’t feel quite the same same the urge to interact with such a woman.

Because you can call yourself a “beauty lover,” but if you are a middle-aged straight man, you are probably feeling the same instinct that most middle-aged straight men feel, which is to go out and f*** some young hottie. And I would guess that complimenting some young hottie on her looks is your slightly clumsy and subconscious way of acting on this instinct.

Ironically, if you do compliment some 25 year old hottie on her looks, it is likely that she will have a better understanding of the situation than you. She knows that whatever you are telling yourself, you are hoping deep down that the interaction will go further.

So the bottom line is this: If you really are just a “beauty lover,” then you can be pretty happy just complimenting people on their dogs. Or their babies. Or their looks if they are older women.

On the other hand, if the goal really is to get it on with some young hottie, then you should be learning how to hit on women and not be worrying about them feeling you are creepy. A 45 year-old guy can get a 25 year old girl without too much trouble, as long as he’s willing to put up with an “ick” here and there.

132

I think it’s less a matter of what women want than what they are willing to settle for. I would guess that most women want a guy who is their age or a bit older. They also would prefer him to be tall, handsome, intelligent, fit, wealthy, confident, sociable, and have a good sense of humor. (Of course, just about everyone has to compromise.)

So, the question is what happens when a guy wanders along who is otherwise reasonably desirable but is a lot older than the girl, like 15 or 20 years older.

Is that more of a deal-breaker now than it was in the past? I’m not sure. One thing that’s different today (as opposed to 20 years ago) is that the computer allows people of very different ages to interact.

I did an internet search and found an article about age differences in marriage in Norway.

Apparently the average age difference has been about 3 1/2 years for a long time without much change. At the same time, there has been an increase in marriages with a big age differential. The authors attribute this change to globalization and foreign brides (and grooms.)

By the way, I just figured out a scenario in which a middle-aged guy can compliment some random young hottie with a much lower ick factor:

Man is chatting with a friend on a cell phone; hotties walk into the vicinity; man pauses for a few seconds and then says something like “sorry Bob, I was just distracted by a couple of beautiful girls.” Man turns away and continues talking.

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[quote=“HazelNutCoffee, post:69, topic:473208”]

snip especially since it was at night and I was living in Hyde Park at the time. QUOTE]

Now that’s creepy - under which bush?

134

If you say so.

It’s not just about money. Men tend to mature slower than women. A lot of women find that in their 20s and even their 30s, a lot of guys their age aren’t interested in settling down and are still running around partying and trying to be “playas”. Also, older men tend to be more confident and less awkward.

Then again being a “cougar” has become in vogue so I guess it kind of works both ways.

As with everything, it depends on the people involved.

For the record, I think the formula is actually the youngest girl you should date, not the ideal age and I think it’s a pretty good guideline. At 36, I can imagine dating a 25 year old, but any younger than that is probably too imature for me.

I mean it gets to a point to that where are you going where you are even meeting people 20 years younger than you?

135

Uh, no, you’re right at the edge of what you can reasonably get away with without at least one member of the relationship becoming a social pariah. I don’t think you understand that calculation.

If the complimentee finds the complimentor attractive, then creepiness isn’t an issue. Most guys don’t have a “George Fucking Clooney”-esque ability to make women attracted to them.

All else being equal, I think the reason compliments from older (but not elderly) people are unwelcome is because it is unflattering in a way compliments from someone younger or significantly older is not.

Younger? “I’m too old for you, but you think I look young enough? Thanks!”
Elderly? “I’m too young for you, but we both know that. Thanks!”
Older? “I’m too young for you… wait, why couldn’t you tell? Creep!”

“You’ve complimented me and I should appreciate that, but I feel worse for having been complimented by you.” The discomfort is cognitive dissonance.

136

This presumes that anyone who compliments you actually thinks they have a shot at gettin’ wit dat. This is absolutely not true.

There is a difference between a compliment and a come-on. I agree that a come-on from someone who is, for whatever reason, inappropriate, can be discomfiting. But a compliment is just a compliment. If it makes you uncomfortable, that says more about you than about the complimenter.

137

What bothers me about this kind of situation is that people out in public almost never address a stranger unless they want something. Usually that something is mundane information like the time, or directions to the bank, or if this is the right place to catch the #15 bus. Even a compliment like “What a beautiful necklace!” is often really a way of asking where it was purchased. I don’t mind this at all – I’m happy to know that my necklace (or whatever) looks good, and I’m happy to say where it came from.

But if a strange man says “I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you are”, I’m not going to believe that just telling me is ALL he wanted. Even the OP says that his intent in complimenting beautiful young women wouldn’t be merely to brighten their day, but to allow him “to bask in their smiling beauty for an instant longer.” So what he WANTS is their beauty, and since he’s a stranger the women would have no way of knowing that he’ll be satisfied with just a smile. For all they know he’s got a freezer full of the severed heads of other beautiful young women.

It’s possible for a middle aged man to compliment a young woman he’s never met before in a manner that won’t make her worry that she’s about to become the inspiration for a “ripped from the headlines” episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit…but I wouldn’t bet that the OP could pull it off. In general I’d say that unless he has some other reason to speak to a beautiful young woman then the kind thing to do is just leave her alone. If he feels the need to express his admiration, a silent smile should be enough.

138

Nah. Stand perfectly still, arms hanging limp at your side, hands slightly curled. Stare with your eyes half lidded and your lips parted, face slack. Occasionally, run your tongue slowly over your lips and blink slowly. Chicks love it.

139

That’s pretty good. It would get a smile or laugh out of me no matter what age I was.

140

What the heck is a “cougar” in this context? I’ve just started hearing it. Is it a predatory woman?